- i felt like writing.
- i've got no paper, but i've got a laptop.
- ah, progress.
- summer has such a wonderfully mundane rhythm to it. it feels like a perfectly worn-in pair of rainbows, or a pair of jeans the second time you wear them after a wash--comfy. it's mid-july, and i can hardly remember last month--or the beginning of this month, for that matter. i adore that feeling.
- the odd thing is that in the midst of this comfort, i've been assaulted with this feeling of future. days are passing, and i feel like they are numbered in the midst of their perfect bore. call it the stage of life and blame it on a hyperactive heart residing next to a still soul. their co-existence would seem a contradiction, however, they are working overtime in me. and in tandem. it's all a bit overwhelming.
- how do i prepare my heart for a future that's not yet mine? how do i prepare for all situations? there are givens in adult life of which i am taking advantage: marriage, family, house, career, children. what if this is not the direction i'm led? what if He takes me elsewhere?
- i've been experiencing the strangest rumblings in the pit of my heart. and i regard them--separate from them yet fully involved in the experience of them--with wonder and trepidation. how could it be possible that i might be led down a life- path that doesn't begin, include, or end with a husband? a baby? a garden to tend? a dog to walk? a grandchild to spoil? or, even more terrifying, how could it be possible that those desires are being removed from my heart? how could it be that i yearn only for the intimacy of the Risen and the marriage of Spirit? how could i not want a husband? a baby? a garden to tend? a dog to walk? a grandchild to spoil?
- what am i, a nun?
- it is widely understood, but never verbalized in young-adult female christian circles that your success as a woman is based on your marital status. we are married women before we are women. or--shame of all shames--we are single girls before we are women. it seems the message has somehow come across that you aren't a viable contributing factor to the kingdom if your contributions don't come in the form of a godly marriage and the rearing of a godly family.
- so, the goal becomes the husband. and we primp and modify and portray and bend and study and work so hard to find what is not ours to find, to orchestrate what is not ours to orchestrate...because we aren't reminded that our hearts are His before they are joined to a man. nobody ever warned us that the desire for something so good, so true, can become as much of an idol as a golden calf.
- marriage is meant to be a human acting out of God's love relationship for us. His love doesn't meet us where we are dolled up and batting our eyes in His direction. God's love meets us where we are honest, unfiltered, and true. in beauty and in ugliness. it is there that we are loved, and there that we are of use.
- i now recognize what i'm waiting for--an opportunity to live an example of the ultimate Relationship--an opportunity to be Love with skin on. nothing less will do. it's really is that simple.
Comments
Very good blog and very-thought provoking. I've been thinking about this lately as well (well, as much as a married man thinks about it) - more in the context of the local church than anything else. It is funny that our "singles" ministries are, for the most part, nothing more than a place for Christian singles to hook up. In reality, singleness opens up enormous possibilities for the individual in various ministry aspects - possibilities that are not possible as a married person.
Very good word!
Hi Mary Beth,
Very well said. You made so many great points and sent me pondering my direction.
Thank you for sharing. May God continue to use you. I look forward to reading more from you!
Blessings to you, Teresa