I've been pretty quiet from here for a while.  You know when you have not talked to a friend in quite a while and then you begin to realize that the more distance between conversations, you'll need further explanation into why the distance became wider and wider.  That is how I feel about dialouging about this.  It is not as thought I want to avoid talking about what is going on inside in this process of not shopping, but I have to be honest, it does get a bit tiring.  Have you ever wanted something to just be done?  It's not that I am desperate to shop, that i want my rehab to be done...in fact...this week for the first time I bought a cardigan.  I wanted to go into a store (KMart...I know...not glamous, but not a tempting place for me.  I thought I'd check out a cardigan while I picked up medicine for our daughter) and see about a cardigan.  I had my allowance...I found the exact color cardigan i'd been looking for (blue) and it is a cute boyfriend kind of cardi...got it ($12!) and came home.  the interesting thing is, i felt the need to hide my purchase.  I didn't want to tell Ryan because am I suppose to shop yet?  The rehab isn't over till 8/29/10...

So...it was a weird conversation to have with Ryan about my cardigan.  He was fine with it...I think i wasn't.  like I was committing adultry to my rehab committment.  Part of it is re-emursing myself it shopping in a healthy way...how do you do that?  is there really a right way?

 another reason of being quiet...there has been a lot of other things going on by way of vocational distractions that have kept me occupied rather than thinking about shopping...and i've found myself not really thinking about shopping or filling the void, space or bordem or avoidance of things with shopping.  you may ask, "what then are you filing it with?"  well...I just honestly have't had the time to think about shopping.  I even have some gift cards that I could spend (was given permission to spend them, but may hold onto them till my birthday) and just haven't wanted to.  i have filled the void with busyness.  I have a load of clients / directees this semester, teaching two classes (or rather facilitating groups within those classes) and trying to figure out my husband's potential job (he's been interviewing at several places).  but i think mostly the quiet has been wondering if i really had anything to share, to say...there are some familiar voices that have been visiting in my mind (you wouldn't need x amount of dollars from any job he's hunting for if you didn't have this debt...) blah blah blah...i just keep telling those voices, 'blah blah blah' so what else do you have to say?!?!  don't you just get tired of those voices?  relentless, just beginning to become quiet as well...

so many challenges still...but still plugging away at the rehab...