12-22-08

            It’s been a long three months since writing.  What has caused me to stop reading and writing?  I don’t I have lost my faith, I still enjoy going to church and the activities associated with it.  I no longer have the nagging in the back of my mind to go back to school to follow a religious occupation and life.  I miss that nagging, it was another sign that he was there and he wants me to follow him, no matter the cost.  Is this a valley of my faith that C.S Lewis wrote about in his Screwtape Letters?  I want that nagging back.  I know one thing I need to start doing but don’t know how is praying.  One would think that would be easy, just bend my knees and then speak my mind.  For me I get as far as kneeling but no words come out, no thoughts come to me.  I have some come to accept the fact Jesus is my savior and that he is the son of the One True God.  That he was born of the flesh and died on the cross for the sins of the world. But what does it say for me, for the strength I have in this faith if I can not openly speak to God.  Maybe it is because it has been so long since I have talked to Him, that I forgot how to.  Or maybe it is because I had forsaken him for so long that I am not yet ready to talk.  I once wrote that I wanted to be whole again but this lack of prayer makes me feel unfulfilled.