This piece is actually from a couple years ago.  I came across it this evening and was reminded of a significant work God did in my life that I felt would be valuable to share.  I pray that it ministers to someone out there...

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A full decade has passed since God revealed to me that my call into ministry would take the guise of being a writer.  In those 10 years, I’ve jotted down countless half-developed ideas for articles and even an outline for a book, but this is my first full-fledged piece.

There are many factors that contributed to my failure to launch this call on my life, but the two most insidious were a secret addiction and my battle with depression.  Now few that knew me would have guessed my secret struggles, as they rarely interfered with my ability to function in my normal, day-to-day life.  Two years ago, God brought me to a place of freedom from my addiction, but (after a period of exuberant joy) to my dismay the depression lingered.

The past two years have been a journey into understanding my life, my choices, and my past.  Once the outer layer that was so obvious and took all my focus was removed, God was able to gradually shed light on the deeper issues.  These periodic revelations have brought more freedom as they have given me the answers to my “Why?” questions and allowed me to renounce many of the lies my heart had embraced most of my life.  But my depression was the one thing that I received few answers about—until this past week, that is.

2007 has been one of the most difficult years of my life.  In January I took a temporary position at work, filling in for a departed co-worker, and several months later found myself spiraling downward into a deep depression.  Too many hours spent doing a job that was killing my soul had sent me into a tailspin.  I made the decision to step back, but things improved only a little.  I was so frustrated to be even more stuck than I'd been when I broke up with my fiancé 4 years previously.  Part of my frustration came from the fact that I couldn’t figure out where the depression was coming from as God had made me to be a person that would not naturally struggle with it.  I had resolved to take the rest of the year to examine my life and my past to find the source and deal with it, when I spoke with my friend Diane.

As I shared my frustration and my plans, she stopped me dead in my tracks by telling me that I had the choice to be an archaeologist and dig up my past or an architect and design my future.  She assured me that all the answers were already inside me and what I needed to do was move forward in faith that God would reveal the pieces to me in His timing and ways.  I fought against this thought for several days, convinced that I had to understand everything that had happened to me in order to change my life.

I was so frustrated with my current situation that I had conceived of several ways to chuck my current life and move across the country to start a new one.  A conversation with my mom convinced me that running away wasn’t the solution, but that still left me without hope.  Gradually Diane’s wisdom sunk in and I decided to try it her way.  My only obstacle at this point was the depression that held me down like cement shoes.  In my desperation I cried out to the Lord and begged Him to free me from my depression, just as He had from my addiction.  I wrote out a page-long prayer and then opened up my Life Recovery Bible.

I was on the last three recovery principle devotions and the final one was on forgiveness.  In the midst of reading it, I was suddenly struck with the overwhelming realization that I had never forgiven myself: for where I was in life, and where I wasn’t; for everything I had, and everything I didn’t.  It hit me in that moment that this very unforgiveness was the root of my depression—that the unacknowledged, unresolved anger at myself was a wall I had been unknowingly hitting my head on for the past 25 years.

The next two hours were spent in a continual confession of forgiveness for everything I could think of that I held against myself.  Hot tears streamed down my face as I finally let go of 25 years of subconscious anger and self-condemnation.  That night I fell asleep with a lighter heart and more peace than I have ever felt in my life.

Since then, I’m still forgiving myself as things come to mind, but the depression has lifted and I’ve been able to move forward in my life in ways I’d only ever dreamed of.  The fact that I sat down and wrote out this entire article in one sitting is proof to me that a significant work was done in my life (nothing like that has ever happened before).  I now know beyond a doubt that Diane’s advice was absolutely true: I don’t need to be an archaeologist and dig myself into a hole to move forward in my life—I can be an architect and design and build my life up from where I’m at now.  The answers are within reach and God is in the business of providing them—in His perfect timing.