When we were babies, before we could even crawl or eat solid food, we thrived on love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have come to the same conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged, and touched tenderly develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. The same is true of the elderly. Visit some nursing homes and you will find that the residents who receive affirming touch have a more positive spirit and generally do better than those who are not touched. Tender, affirming physical touch is a fundamental language of love.

What is true for infants and the elderly is also true for single adults of all ages. Whether we acknowledge it or not, the body is made for touching. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. If the person’s primary love language is physical touch, your touches will speak much louder than the words “I love you” or “I hate you.” Withhold touches and you will isolate and raise doubts about your love. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of single adults. When you listen to a friend who is feeling down and answer with a clasp of the shoulder, you declare loudly, “I love you. I care, and you are not alone.”

A touch of love may take many forms. Since touch receptors are located throughout the body, lovingly touching another individual almost anywhere can be an expression of love. Keep in mind that all touches are not created equal. Learn from the person whom you are touching what he or she perceives as a loving touch.

All Touches Are Not Created Equal

Appropriate and Inappropriate
There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex in every society. The recent attention to sexual harassment in Western culture has highlighted the danger of touching a member of the opposite sex in a way that is considered sexually inappropriate. This type of touch will not only fail to communicate love; it may result in much more serious problems as well.

Of course, physical abuse—inflicting bodily harm on another—is also inappropriate. Among single adults, the overall rate for severe violence is nearly five times as high for cohabiting couples when compared with married couples.

Implicit and Explicit
Love touches may be implicit and subtle, requiring only a moment. Jen sometimes puts a hand on her mother’s shoulder as she pours a cup of tea. Sometimes she pats her mom on the back as she turns to walk away. In contrast, explicit touches, such as a back rub or foot rub, demand your full attention. Such touches obviously take more time, not only in actual touching, but in developing your understanding of how to communicate love to another person. If a back massage communicates love loudly to someone you care about, then the time, money, and energy you spend in learning to be a good masseur or masseuse will be well invested.

Implicit love touches require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a “touching family.” As an adult, you can convey love to a parent or sibling simply yet powerfully. Sitting close to Mom or Dad on the couch as you watch your favorite television program together may communicate your love loudly. Touching a family member as you walk through the room where he or she is sitting takes only a moment.

…and you?
What types of physical touch do you consider affirming? What kinds of touches make you feel uncomfortable? To what degree did your parents speak the love language of physical touch to you? To each other? In your circle of friends, who are the “touchers”? People whose primary love language is Physical Touch usually like to be touched. In what way might you reciprocate their love?