He slipped his way into my morning coffee, and accidentally, he said, proceeded to spill onto pages of my morning reading. Walk. And now work.
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From Roe v. Wade to lesbianism to birth control, women’s liberation movements have made it their platform to give women a right over their own bodies. Some good and some not so good have come out if it. But fast forward to today, and we see that women are once again in a fight for liberation. But this time, it is a personal fight and one that is more often fought all alone. In the last ten years especially, our culture of sexually provocative advertising and media have aided in the trans- formation of women from sexually submissive into sexually aggressive...and sexually obsessed. As such, this is resulting in a rapidly growing addiction to pornography and sexual promiscuity among women today. In the New York Times last year an article was written about me, groups I lead, Dirty Girls Ministries, and this whole issue of women’s addiction to pornography.
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The church, over the years, hasn't done a very good job, in my opinion, of addressing sexual ethics. We invoke "you'll feel guilty" (but sex feels good as often guilty, for lots of reasons I won't address here), or "you'll get a disease, or get pregnant" (but there are ways of dealing with both of those things), or "because God says so" as if we should just blow our brains out, not caring for God's rationale, becoming mindless servants in spite of the fact that we're to love God with all our minds. Here's my take on God's sexual ethic, prompted by recent events in the news. Whether it's MTV's newest show exploring the seemingly endless sexual appetites of some American teens, or the now famous Karen Owen F*** List powerpoint, her tale of bedding various Duke athletes, offered in sordid detail with ratings for each (based on anatomical size, lovemaking skills, attractiveness), the reality is that an increasingly large percentage of our youth culture are floating on the stormy seas of awakening sexuality and adulthood with neither an anchor, nor a compass.
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(This list is not exhaustive, but to further
unravel this conversation in the Church)
1) Healthy sexuality means having a healthy view of being male or female (physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually). 2) Healthy sexuality means believing God made you to be a sexual being, not in the sense of having sex all the time, but in the sense of feelings, emotions, desires, and lusts, even. (For Biblical examples here, consider Paul, or Jesus).
3) A
healthy sexuality means awareness that sexuality is part of our humanity.
Sexuality is what allows us to experience the likes of attraction, beauty and
femininity/masculinity. 4) Healthy sexuality means healthily tending to your desires. “Desire” is sometimes described like “thirst.” We all get thirsty and we’re all free to drink a glass of water, but the problem arises when we don’t know how to hear our thirsts and either dehydrate ourselves altogether, or drink too much—either one has the ability to kill us. Having desires isn’t a bad thing (and could actually be argued as a good, Godly thing); it’s how we handle and direct our desires that’s key.
5) Healthy
sexuality means having a healthy spirituality—refreshing to be around and connecting us to
our God-imaged whole. 6) A healthy sexuality is about being able to feel a desire, or recognize a longing, definitely sexual ones, and explore with it God—i.e. pray about it/them. “What might you be inviting me to here, Lord, or showing me about my longing, or dissatisfaction?” Furthermore, am I okay even admitting that I have desires and longings that are out of my control?”
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Consider the following conversation with a college student recently:
“So what’s going on with you spiritually?” I asked through the steam of two cups of coffee.
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"What gives you hope?" It was the question that started it all. Last Thursday I spoke at a venue to women and men who had a passion for working with young adults. I talked about the retreats and workshops I lead, but mainly about creating safe spaces for women to heal from a culture of unrealistic expectations of perfection. By introducing different self-care and contemplative tools, women have awakened to the grace and hope inside of them. Fueled by the Holy Spirit a revolution is beginning in their souls. The gentleman who asked the question sincerely continued, "I mean this problem is so epidemic. If you talk to any woman you meet -- it's everywhere." As I weighed this question in my heart, I began to tear up. Very slowly I started to talk about how it would be so much easier for me to stop talking about the disease of perfection, have a kid, go on a diet and meet the culture's and church's expectations of me as a married woman of four and a half years. My hope is not in the fact that I could live a "nice" life. (Not saying that people who choose that life are bad, that is just not what I am called to). I wanted to explain my story so I was careful to choose my words about my husband's and my choice to question whether or not we want kids. That's our life. I don't force or project this agenda on anyone. So it caught me off guard when a 50-something white male raised his hand in my pausing after I had just started explaining where my hope lies and said, "I have a thought."
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 There's an issue floating around in the Christian single sub-culture, sometimes near the surface, sometimes deeply subterranean. The issue is the vast disconnect that appears between practice and profession when it comes to our sexual ethics. A recent survey indicated that over 90% of engaged young people who professed to know Christ and follow His taeachings agree that sexual intimacy is to be confined to the bounds of covenant relationship, i.e.: marriage. In spite of this clear sense of conviction, however, roughly 2 out of 3 reported that they'd violated this principle, and roughly 1 out of 2 reported that they're presently violating this ethic, as they sleep with their fiance.
The sample from this survey was arguably too small to draw any meaningful conclusions, but it does represent a reality we ought to address: when it comes to sexuality, there's a chasm between what we say we believe, and what we actually do. What factors contribute to this chasm?
1. Our culture's attitude towards sexuality. Whether it's a local indie paper,reruns of "Sex in the City", advertisements for beer, cars, deodorant, or the text of a recent hip-hop song, let's not kid ourselves into believing that we're immune from the sexualized nature of it all. We're trying to hold our sexuality according to God's redemptive plan, but God's ethic requires some serious swimming against the overwhelming tide of our culture. At every turn the message to "touch me", "taste me", "do me" is present, either directly or subliminally, declaring through it's presence that our sexuality is an appetite, like food - and we all know what to do when we're hungry.
I'll note before moving on, that this isn't some sort of 21st century phenomena. 1st century Rome shared these values, as have countless cultures scattered across time and geography through the ages. To think differently than the prevailing culture is, of course, one of our primary challenges, and primary means of transformation. So, it helps to be aware of the ocean in which we're swimming.
2. Shame - The Christian community elevates virginity as a virtue. This, of course, is appropriate, because this is what Scripture teaches. However, there's something inherent in how we talk about virginity that makes its maintenance tantamount to the free climb of a rock face: fall once, and you die. Thus have many shared, in the confidentiality of pastoral work, or with friends or counselors, that "it's over. In a moment of weakness I took off my purity ring, and then, well you know what happened." Dejected, and feeling a sense of shame never intended by Christ, he or she decides that, since they've already lost it, there's no point in battling. Purity is now unattainable. Why bother? Of course, most wouldn't say it that way, but that's the way it actually plays out.
I suppose there are 30 more reasons for the battle, but I got a late start today, so I'm going to limit my comments to these two, offering some thoughts about how we might best navigate the waters of our sexuality, in light of these realities.
1. The culture piece is gigantic, but of course, we knew that from Romans 12. If there's a current pulling me in one direction, and it's not the direction I want to go, I need to find a way to travel against the current. The answer isn't withdrawal from culture, because there are other factors at work besides culture (just ask the monks who wrote this poetry). Instead of trying to be a fish out of water (which is what it would be like to try and be a non-sexual being in a sexual world), I simply need to flood myself with right thinking, which will help me understand my identity, sexuality, and calling, from God's perspective.
You might try this, or this, or this, to get you started. The reality is that if I read the Stranger and watch Friends or Sex in the City, more than I read my Bible or listen to my pastor's podcasts, I'm failing to swim upstream. Thus I shouldn't be surprised when I land downstream, my boat having been dashed to bits by the rocky realities of sex without covenant, realities that exist for certain, but which aren't addressed by "Friends" or in "The Stranger"
2. It's this shame thing that really enrages me, because it comes from the damned accuser, AND it comes from the church. We need to talk about the incredible restorative power of God's grace and the reality that His mercies are new every morning, that yesterday's failures are gone, gone, gone. We need to speak of the reality that all of us are fallen, and thus stop throwing rocks and begin blessing and healing.
There is o so much more to say about this important subject, because I know that people are living with confusion, shame, guilt, and anger - having been abused, or hardened, disillusioned, and shamed. Let's start the dialogue.
What else contributes to our sexual struggles and confusion?
What other things have people found helpful?
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It’s a disarming question, to be sure. I’ll give you the easy answer—right up front with no waiting. My first answer is an unequivocal Yes—Did you really need to ask? My second answer is a much slower No—and I’m glad you asked. First of all, the reason you clicked on this piece has everything to do with your own self-assessment. You wanted to either 1) Make sure that you’re not alone in your own behavior, 2) See if your holiness level is a lot higher than other women’s, 3) Determine if being a Christian makes any difference in the way people live their lives, or 4) Succumb to the deep curiosity that men and women have when it comes to private sexuality. Human beings are often critically aware of their own DNA-encoded predisposition to everything God-dishonoring, and that includes sexual perversion (If you don’t believe that pornography is a form of sexual perversion, then stop reading because we won’t agree on much from here on out). I’m not one of those editorialists who believe that all your hang-ups come from society’s misguided Victorian ideals or mother-imposed guilt trips. I’m a believer in the Fall, a writer who accepts both the evidence from my culture and the Bible’s words in Genesis 8 that “every inclination of [man’s] heart is evil from childhood” and in Romans 3 that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
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The New Times published an