In church a few weeks ago, my pastor talked about what happens when a person dies within a Jewish community.  The friends and family of those left behind travel to the grieving’s house and simply sit with them.  They don’t make pat comments, they don’t swoop in and try to fix everything, and they don’t come in armed with an array of distractions.  They respect their grief and just sit in silence.  

 

Earlier today, I was watching the movie “Sunshine Cleaning” - a story about two sisters that form a bio-hazard clean up business, cleaning up the messes often left behind when people die.  In one poignant scene, they arrive at a house and find the frazzled widow waiting to give them the house keys.  Amy Adams’ character senses the grief of this old stranger and offers to simply sit with her. She reaches over and clasps the old woman’s hand - just as I imagine occurs in those grieving Jewish homes.  

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Step 1:  Trust God.

 

Immediately, I fell on my knees, sought Him, and went back to church.  My sense of failure sent me there -- love, forgiveness, and restoration kept me there.

 

Step 2:  Find community.

 

Family support was key, as was friend support.  Stepping into community with fierce protectors, of me and my marriage, kept me strong.  And fighting.

 

Step 3:  Remain hopeful.  

 

I remained hopeful, first for our reconciliation.  Then, for my own restoration.

 

Step 4:  Be honest.

 

There was a period of time early on where I couldn’t share what was going on at home.  But hiding that anguish never felt healthy.  I needed to discuss how I felt to get to a new level of honesty about me, about us.

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Love is for losers.

 

Losers fail to recognize the needs of their significant other.

Losers avoid confrontation and bury the problem.

Losers have high expectations that do not match reality.

Losers cut themselves off and figure the relationship out alone.

 

Love is for losers.

 

Losers sacrifice their needs for their significant other, placing their needs above their own.

Losers willingly tackle confrontation, even if they may be wrong.

Losers are willing to let go of their expectations, settling instead for the beauty of reality.

Losers are humble enough to seek wise council from the community around them.

 

Everyone is a loser when it comes to love.  You are either losing the relationship or losing yourself in the relationship.  I don’t know about you, but I identify with both sets of losers.  The first set of losers explains how my marriage died.  The second set of losers paints a picture of what my next relationship will be.  Either I’m seeing my wife through my own personal needs, or I am setting those needs aside to humbly meet her needs authentically.  

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I am no longer a believer.  I haven’t been for quite a while, actually.  I think it started when I was going through my divorce.  So much I had understood about God prior to my divorce was completely turned upside down, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I lived a good life, I went to Church, I prayed, I did all the things young Christians are supposed to do - and yet, when I got married my life fell apart.  I believed that God would reward me for my good behavior.  I believed that because I trusted Him, everything would be all right.

 

What I believed was wrong.  But He wasn’t the problem - it was me.  I succumbed to the typical American brand of Christianity.  In the United States, our consumerist culture wired me to expect God to behave like a vending machine.  

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One worry about how our culture approaches marriage that is about to get a lot more traction is the fact that the marriage age is increasing.*  Men, for instance, now delay (on average) marriage until age 28, a significant jump from where it was in the 50s and 60s.

The folks at Boundless, for instance, have been making the case for marrying young for some time.  And they are, after all, the standard bearers on issues of dating and relationships.  And now Mark Regnerus, one of America's best sociologists of religion, is making the case.  Or you can read Ben Domenech's excellent analysis on marriage trends here (and my response). They're all worth reading.

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Marriages that fall apart seem to end in different ways. Witness the couple that argues constantly, always one upping each other with threats to leave, daring each other to end the marriage. Maybe you know a couple that deliberatly spends more time apart than together, slowly realizing that going through a divorce is an inevitable formality they will have to deal with. Or perhaps you've seen the marriage that never ends - they are honoring their vows, sure, but without a relationship or friendship they are missing the purpose behind marriage in the first place.

My marriage was more like a sucker punch to the gut. In hindsight I could see it coming but at the time of impact, it took me by surprise. It was at about the three year mark when our tension boiled over. We were the couple with the friendly facade to the world around us. Everything in our marriage was "hallway good". (You know what I mean - the typical "hallway" response when people ask how things are going). The truth is, I was assuming things were fine with our marriage, ignoring some distinct warning signs. I was doing what I do best - ignoring the problem. Things were happening that were triggering emotions in me - anger, fear, and jealousy to name a few. But my desire to maintain peace allowed me to ignore the red flags in our relationship. This denial allowed us to ignore the root of our problem. We were no longer connecting emotionally and authentically.

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As a marriage and family therapist, I see many couples who come to me for premarital counseling.  I usually encourage these couples to come back for several sessions after the wedding since, in truth, this is when most of the “theoretical issues” we discuss in premarital turn into real issues  that are causing problems.  (Sidenote: great post about this on Stuff Christians Like last week). 

So, what are some of the big issues?  You might be surprised.  More often than not, one of the topics newly married couples find the most troubling is uttered in a simple but frustrated phrase:  I can’t stand your friends.

Let’s take Amanda and Michael*, for example.  They’ve been married for one month.  They walk into my office frazzled with each other, and the subject they can’t veer from is their growing annoyance with each others’ friends.   Amanda is frustrated that Michael’s friends are all so irresponsible.  She thinks they are slackers, and is tired of spending her Saturdays at the beach with them while they surf, which she doesn’t like.  She feels that she is trying harder than Michael is with her own friends, but feels it is vitally important that he get to know them.   Michael, on the other hand, feels that Amanda’s friends are judgmental and prudish.  He thinks they are boring and claims he is done trying.  He suggests they start hanging out with their own friends separately, which Amanda finds hurtful and insulting.

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Hi.  My name is Jim and I’m a statistic. 

In college, I was a good student.  I was a business major and I received mostly A's or B's in my courses.  Except in Statistics.  In Statistics, I struggled to get a C.  And that C has haunted my college GPA ever since (Ok, not really - I don't even remember my college GPA anymore!  Guess it wasn't so important after all!).  Needless to say, I hate statistics.  Besides the theoretical equations that LOOKED like math equations but WEREN'T, I learned that relying solely on statistics rarely gives you the whole picture.  People use statistics to justify horrible business decisions (see:  New Coke, Crystal Pepsi, anything Windows/PC related) or to find comfort in the safety of numbers (see:  69% of Americans have smoked weed, I should try it too!).  Rarely do statistics tell the story behind those numbers.

Well, I have become a statistic.  But I refuse to become a number.  There is a story behind my statistic and I hope to share it here.  

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Here's a sign that I'm getting older:  I love listening to National Public Radio (NPR).  My secret addictions are "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" and "This American Life".  I download both podcasts each week and usually spend the first two days of my drive to and from work listening to them.  

 This week's episode of "This American Life" was rather interesting.  If you've never had the pleasure of listening to the show, each week the host, Mr. Ira Glass, sets up the theme for the show and then they tell a number of stories around that theme.  This week's theme was about Reuniting - and yes, it included a brief story about the hit Peaches & Herb song Reunited (And It Feels So Good).    Did you know there were multiple Peaches in that group's existence - and it was Peaches #3 that did the vocals on that particular hit song?  Go ahead and file that one away in your brain, I'm sure it will come in handy later.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, Reunited.  So this week's episode tells three stories about being Reunited - a farmer is reunited with his Brahman bull (through the magic of cloning), General Lafayette is reunited with...America, and a married Iranian couple are reunited with....each other.  

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