Recently, Today's Christian Woman asked me to write a piece on marriage in any direction of my chosing. I was stymied for quite a while as to what to focus on, and then realized I was stalling because I was afraid of the vulnerability required to really write what was on my heart. So ... I drank a good, stiff, Diet Pepsi and wrote the following. (It can be found in the November/December issue of TCW or online at their website.)

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What problem is as pressing on the minds of new parents as the economy?  It is the problem of how to maintain their love life.  New parents often find themselves divided by the same little person whom they have so recently welcomed to their family.  Moms find that fatigue, body image and hormonal fluctuations all deflate sexual desire.  Dads may feel some anxiety over their role as provider, and difficult emotions around having to share their wife’s love with someone else.  Both Moms and Dads may have mixed feelings about whether it might be selfish to spend time on lovemaking when there are so many other needs to be met.  

While the problem is still new and relatively uncomplicated, it’s a good idea for moms, dads, and couples jointly to consider a few ideas for how to nurture the sexual part of their marriage.  Moms, try to have empathy for your husband, the changes he is going through, and his need to communicate his love and commitment to you sexually.  Verbalize your attraction to him.  This lets him know that you want a deep and mature  heart connection in your marriage.  Remember that it is not only O.K. to take care of yourself,  it is essential.  Get regular exercise, and don’t put off getting all of the post-natal medical attention you may need.  Your arousal pattern may be a little different than before the baby, but this is O.K.    Let yourself be free from societal pressure to get back to a perfect pre-pregnancy weight and shape, and remember that husbands take positive notice when you make the effort to look nice.   

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My friend Rebecca Beidel closes out the four-part marriage series she co-taught with her husband, my pastor, David, by teaching a message from Genesis 2, "The Bride of Christ."

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I am so grateful to have people in my life who genuinely love marriage and are committed to not just "staying married," but cultivating thriving marriages, from one degree of glory to the next.

My parents have such a marriage, and from the many, many people I've come to know who did not have that experience growing up, I am infinitely thankful for them.

This concludes my series on marriage (or rather, pointing people to an excellent series on marriage).

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In Part 3 of my marriage focus, I point you to "Adam, Where Are You?" the third part in a four-part series taught by David and Rebecca Beidel in February 2007. My pastor pulls no punches, as he challenges men to serve and lead their wives after the pattern of Christ. He preaches from Genesis 3.

If I ever again find myself considering marriage with a specific man, this series will be on his "mix tape" (for you youngsters, that's what we used in the years between 8-tracks and iPods).

As I said in my last post, I believe "it takes a village" to make successful marriages in the church. Honestly, the more I think about it, I marvel at how God designed us to really need each other in the body of Christ. Married people need friendships outside of their marriage - wives need girlfriends, men need buddies. They need babysitters so they can have date nights. They need younger men and women to come alongside their children, mentoring and influencing them. And single people need close married friends to include them for family dinners and show them that it really is best to wait for a godly spouse and not settle for someone who will water down their faith.

I am grateful for my pastor, David Beidel, and his wife, Rebecca. I am grateful for them for many reasons, but a big one is that they have a real burden to fight on behalf of marriages, in our church (New Hope Community Church, C&MA, Staten Island, NY) and in the nations (I had the privilege of traveling to Nigeria with them, and they taught marriage seminars there that made a lasting impression on our Nigerian friends).

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Betcha ya didn't expect to see me blogging about marriage.

I'm single, happily so, and I have a passion for helping single people flourish and use the gift of grace that singlehood truly is to the fullest.

But more than my classification of "single," I am a sister in the body of Christ, and because of that, I share in the responsibility of what happens in the marriages in our churches. I believe that, as with most things, "it takes a village" to make a marriage successful.

Also, even though I'm single, there is a possibility that I will someday marry, and should that happen, I am not naiive enough to think that engagement is the time to start getting ready to be a good wife. So when I come across good teaching on marriage, I give it a serious listen.

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There were two incidents last weekend that reminded why I am especially fond of Mark Arends. Here is the first.

At approximately 11:13pm PST Saturday evening, we were drifting off to sleep (we’re real party animals, all tucked in on a Saturday before midnight) when we heard some strange noises. At first we thought maybe one of the kids was stirring, but we soon realized the sound was coming from outside.

Mark lept to the window (he has catlike reflexes) and began pulling up the blinds so he could survey our backyard. “I think it’s just people in the neighbor’s pool,” he reported. “Hmmm. Wait a minute.”

Mark slid our bedroom window open. (I say “slid” but I really mean “wrestled.” The window sticks in a most annoying way. I keep meaning to get some WD40 or something.) Before I could apprehend what was happening, Mark was pressing his face against the window screen and barking, in the testosterone-amped voice he uses only in special emergencies, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY POOL?”

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I have officially experienced a knock-down, drag out tantrum! My first child has never been one to have "physical" tantrums. She can certainly throw down an "emotional" tantrum with the best of them.

My summer has gotten off to a very busy start, despite all attempts at R & R, but for a joyful reason. My son is getting married at the end of this month, and our family members are putting all of our efforts into giving him and his fiancée a great launching into married life. Truly, they have our blessing and our emotional support as they start their shared life together. They have also had to bear the constant scrutiny of a mom/future mother-in-law who is a marriage and family therapist, and who also provides premarital counseling for other couples. Over the last two years I have observed how they treat each other, their body language, and their choices. My husband and I have conversed with the young couple about their values and future plans. I have listened in on their (very occasional) arguments, to the best of my eavesdropping abilities – my bad, I know – to determine whether they “fight well”. I have checked them out on every scale and predictor of marital success that I know of. Why? Because we care so much about them and their future, and we are quite aware of the pressures on marriage in our day, and because this is the help I am qualified to offer.

The movie “I Think I Love My Wife,” starring Chris Rock and Gina Torres (2007), portrays with high-definition accuracy the current pressures against marriage, and how couples can resist those pressures. I found it very funny too. The protagonists are a married couple with two small children, who find that, although they still love each other, they never make love. The kids, the job, the house, and other responsibilities are sapping all of the couple’s energies. Never being able to get together sexually creates fears for both of them that the marriage may be over. When the husband’s predatory single co-worker enters the scene, it appears as if this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for this marriage. However, they have some essential couple skills working in their favor, which give the marriage a fighting chance. Here is a short list of skills to cultivate for those who want a long-lasting marriage:

1. When one spouse speaks, the other listens
2. When one spouse makes a suggestion, the other takes it seriously
3. Both spouses are willing to laugh at their own faults
4. Both spouses study the habits and preferences of the other, striving to become the expert on the other.
5. Both spouses feel equal, and feel like adults in the marriage
6. There is a sense of playfulness in the marriage
7. Both spouses suggest changes in a positive way
8. There is no personal criticism or name-calling, or shutting out the other with silence
9. Both spouses are responsible with their use of money and time, and they take good care of their physical health
10. Both spouses desire each other sexually
11. Both spouses have a sense that they are actively participating in their shared history, “the story of us”

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I think every couple says this but I wish we could do our wedding again.  The day was such a blur that I wish I was able to soak it in some more.  But, all the same, I'm sure even if we could go back in time and do it again it would be the same feeling of the day being on fast-forward.

I've edited together some clips from our wedding DVD to share with you.  It was only three weeks after this that we were flying back over Hawaii at 35,000 feet on our way to Mongolia.  I don't think I have the words to say how thankful we are to all of our family and friends that rallied around us to help us with the wedding and packing up the house into storage.  All I can say is 'thank you' and 'we couldn't have done it without you', and that I hope we make you proud.

Here is a glimpse into the best day of my life - not only because of the celebration it was with all of our family and friends and how overwhelming it was to simply see and be around everyone in one place, but because of what it was a celebration of, God's gift of the the most wonderful woman and partner for me.  There have been many times in my life when all I could do was say to God, "What are you doing?".  It's an amazing thing to be able to look back and see exactly what He was doing.  Seeing His faithfulness enables us to live even more in faith and joy, and to follow where He leads; even when where He leads is an ocean and a continent away from home.

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