I’m really writing this post to tell you one truth I discovered about God today. But I’m going to tell you a story first.

Last week, our skies brought six inches of snow to our rooftops and yards and trees.  It’s been great.  I love the snow.  And the snow has stayed, although it’s moved from a soft blanket of powder to an rigid ledge of ice in recent days.  But today, the skies opened once more, this time with rain, and the snow began to melt from the trees and the ground.

I decided to take a walk through the woods this afternoon, after the rain had gone, and I came upon the intermittent stream that runs through our property.  For days now it has been silent with still, icy strains, but today, quiet melodies of laughter rose from its wet banks.

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There are a lot of piles in our house. The weather is cool and we’re pulling out our fall clothes. We’re in the process of deciding what to keep, what to donate and what to throw away.

I used to be one that donated everything. If I didn’t want it, I threw it in the donate pile. I figured someone could use it and it made me feel generous. But that has changed. I once heard a missionary share a story that changed my outlook on donating and gave it a bigger purpose. I wish I could remember her name to give her the credit but for the story’s sake, I’ll call her Mary.

Mary and her husband had served in Africa as missionaries for 20 years. They were retiring and moving back to the States. Mary worked busily at home, packing up their belongings sorting and making piles of what to keep and what to give away to their African friends.

At age fifty-six, Helen unexpectedly became a single adult again. Only nine months earlier her husband had been killed in a car accident. In an attempt to get her out of the house, a friend invited her to an adult singles meeting where I was speaking.

“I didn’t really want to come to this meeting,” she later told me. “I don’t feel like a single adult. I feel like I’m still married. It’s just that my husband is no longer here. But, I’m glad I came,” she said. “I’ve never heard about love languages. I think I need to apply this in my relationship with my son.”

Helen had one son, Brett, who was now thirty-two. He had married right out of college and divorced two years later. Since then, he lived alone and only sporadically made contact with his parents. However, since the death of his dad, he came around more often, and Helen was hoping they could have a closer relationship. “I think I need to discover his love language,” Helen said. I suggested she give Brett a chance to show his love language by responding to the following statement: “Since your dad has died, we’re the only two left. You have been so helpful to me these last few months, I’d like to do something to show you how much I appreciate what you have done. What can I do?”

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In a dating relationship, you must also be sensitive to the way your partner responds to gifts. Because of their cost or perceived meaning, certain types of gifts may not be readily accepted by the one you love. At a singles conference in the mountains of North Carolina, Josh approached me after a lecture on the five love languages with a perplexing question. “I believe in all five love languages, but what if you try to speak a love language and your dating partner is not willing to accept it?” he asked.

“Could you give me an example?” I requested.

“Well, I’ve been dating this girl for three months. I’m really excited about her. Samantha’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I wanted her to know how much I cared about her, so I bought her a really expensive gift. But when I gave it to her, she said, ‘I cannot accept this. I just don’t feel right about it.’ I was devastated,” he said.

For some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It is what makes them feel loved most deeply. Amanda, who had been dating Ben for nine months, was very vulnerable when she said, “I want you to know that birthdays and special holidays are very important to me. I remember crying for two days when my father forgot my sixteenth birthday. I knew he didn’t love my mother; that’s why he left. But on my birthday, I found out he didn’t love me either.”

If Ben has been listening, he has just discovered that Amanda’s primary love language is gifts. If he wants her to feel loved, he will not only remember birthdays and other holidays, but he will give her gifts on a hot August day and a chilly January afternoon—anytime, for no special reason, just to express his love. These “no strings attached” gifts mean the most and have the greatest impact.

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Gifts are great, but do they always send the right message to your kids? The purpose of a gift is to emotionally communicate, “I love you. I hope this gift will enhance your life.” This is extremely important for single parents (and really, all parents) to remember. Gifts should never be given simply because a child or teenager begs for them. The question should be, “Is this gift for the well-being of my teenager?”
If the answer is no, then the parent cannot conscientiously give the gift to a teenager. For example, consider the now common practice in middle-class America for many affluent parents to give their sixteen-year-old a car. I’m not suggesting this is always bad for every family. What I am suggesting is that parents need to ask the question, “Is the gift of a car a good thing for my teenager?”
In answering that question parents must weigh a couple of factors. One is the level of maturity and responsibility of the teenager himself. Just because the state says they can legally drive doesn’t mean everyone is emotionally ready for a car at age sixteen. Some teens have not demonstrated a sufficient level of responsibility in other areas that merit the giving of a car.
A second factor is the financial ability of a single parent to provide a car. Overly committing yourself financially to give such a gift to a teenager is not ultimately good for them or for you.
While I’m talking to single parents, let me say a word to some other parents, usually fathers (sorry dads), who try to make up for their failures by lavishing unnecessary gifts on their children. There is one kind of gift that no teenager needs. It is what I call the counterfeit gift. This is the gift—often gifts—designed to take the place of true love. Such gifts are given by busy and sometimes absentee parents who are caught up in the busyness of life and have little time for speaking the love languages of words of affirmation and the remaining three languages of love: quality time, acts of service, and physical touch. So they try to make up for this deficit by giving the teenager extraneous gifts.
One single mom said, “Every time my sixteen-year-old goes to visit her father, she comes home with a suitcase full of gifts. He is not willing to help me with her medical and dental bills, but he always has money for gifts. He seldom calls her on the phone and only spends two weeks in the summer with her. But somehow the gifts are supposed to make everything all right.”
This kind of gift giving on the part of non-involved parents has become commonplace. The teenager typically receives the gifts, expresses verbal appreciation, and goes home with an empty love tank. When gifts are given as a substitute for genuine love, the teenager sees them as the shallow counterfeit they are.
Gifts are great, but don’t forget to think about the need and message before you gift.

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If you don’t already know your love language- don’t be alarmed. You’re not alone. Within the singleton world there are two types of singles who typically struggle to discover their primary love language. The first consists of singles who have always felt loved and who received all five love languages from their parents. They speak all five rather fluently, but they’re not sure which one speaks most deeply to them. The other category is composed of singles who have never felt loved. They grew up in very dysfunctional families and were never secure in the love of parents or other significant adults in their lives. They don’t know which language would make them feel loved because they are not really sure what it means to feel loved.

1. Observe Your Own Behavior
So how do you discover your primary love language? Probably it would be best to start with you. How do you most typically express love and appreciation to other people? If you regularly hear yourself encouraging other people by giving words of affirmation, then perhaps that is your primary love language. You are doing for others what you wish they would do for you. If you are a back-patter, hand-shaker, or arm-toucher, then perhaps your love language is physical touch. If you are constantly giving gifts to others on special occasions and for no occasion at all, then gifts may be your primary love language. If you are the initiator in setting up lunch appointments or inviting people over to your house for the evening, then quality time may be your love language. If you are the kind of person who doesn’t wait until someone asks but observes what needs to be done and pitches in and does it, then acts of service is likely your primary love language.

Please notice that I am using the words perhaps, may be, and likely. The reason I am being tentative is because my research has indicated that about 25 percent of adults typically speak one love language but wish to receive another language. On the other hand, for about 75 percent of us, the language we speak most often is the language we desire. We love others in the manner in which we would like to be loved.

2. Observe What You Request of Others
If you regularly ask friends to help you with projects, then acts of service may be your love language. If you find yourself saying to friends who are going on a trip, “Be sure and bring me something,” then your love language is probably receiving gifts. If you ask a close friend to give you a back rub, or you express rather freely, “Could you give me a hug?” then physical touch is likely your primary love language. If you are regularly asking friends to go shopping with you, to take a trip together, or to come over to your house for dinner, you are asking for quality time. If you hear yourself asking, “Does this look OK? Did I do the report the way you wanted it? Do you think I did the right thing?” you are asking for words of affirmation.

Our requests tend to indicate our emotional needs. Therefore, observing what you request of others may clearly reveal your primary love language.

3. Listen to Your Complaints
The things about which you complain (whether expressed verbally or only in your head) can be very telling in figuring out your primary love language.

Brad was about six months into his first job after college when I asked him, “How are things going?”

“OK, I guess. It seems like nobody really appreciates what I do and that what I do is never enough.”

Knowing that he was familiar with the five love languages, I said, “Your primary love language is words of affirmation, right?”

He nodded his head while he said, “Yes, and I guess that’s why I’m not really all that happy with my job.” Brad’s complaint clearly revealed his primary love language.

If you complain that your friends no longer have time for you, your love language is likely quality time. If you complain that only one friend gave you a birthday present, your language is likely gifts. If you complain about not having a good hug in the last two months, physical touch is probably your language. If your complaint is that no one ever helps you and they expect you to do everything, then acts of service is probably your love language.

Our complaints reveal our deep emotional hurts. The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language. If you received love in that language, the hurt would go away and you would feel appreciated.

4. Ask the Right Questions
If you are currently in a dating relationship, you’ve got a great opportunity to discover your primary love language. Ask and answer the following questions: “What do I like most about the person I’m dating? What does he or she do or say that makes me desire to be with him/her?” Your answers will be very enlightening.

Another approach would be to ask yourself: “What would be an ideal spouse to me? If I could have the perfect mate, what would she/he be like?” Your picture of a perfect mate should give you some idea of your primary love language.

If you are not currently in a romantic relationship, you may ask: “What do I want most in a friendship?” Complete the following sentence: “An ideal friend would ________.” Your answer will probably reveal your primary love language.

5. The Love Language Profile
The final step in discovering (or confirming) your love language is taking The Love Language Profile. The profile is located within The Five Language: Single Edition book.  And don’t forget to check out the study guide too- it will help you develop your love language.


What about your relationships?
Do you know your family members primary love languages? What about your two closest friends? If not, answer the following questions:

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We all have specific friends who love receiving gifts-it's their primary love language. It is what makes them feel loved most deeply.

Gifts need not be expensive; after all, "it's the thought that counts." But I remind you, it is not the thought left in your head that counts; it is the gift that came out of the thought that communicates emotional love.

The gift can be any size, shape, color, or price. It may be purchased, found, or made. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost of the gift won't really matter. If you can afford it, you can purchase a beautiful card for less than five dollars. If you cannot, you can make one for free. Just go get the paper out of the trash can where you work, fold it in the middle, take scissors and cut out a heart, write "I love you," and sign your name. Gifts don't need to be expensive to have meaning.

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