Welcome Graduates and Honored Guests.

Whoever voted for me to speak at your commencement made a grave mistake. I will not be giving you tepid advice for the future. I will not mention your square cardboard hats. I am certain to offend some of you, and while I’m moralizing, I will be convicted of my certain hypocrisy. As for quotes by famous people, there will be none; the temptation of plagiarism was too great.

If a motivational speech married your mother’s lecture (who ate Hallmark cards for breakfast all during her pregnancy), they’d give birth to a typical commencement address. So first, let’s get the metaphors out of the way. You can pick which ones you like best. You graduates are a lot like (eagles / shooting stars / Olympians), and as you leave today, you will want to (soar / fly / blossom).