Pastor:  Good morning!  You’re new, right?

Joe:  Hi. Yes,  I’m Joe and this is my wife, Jill.

Pastor:  Great to have you here this morning.

Jill:  Yes, first time here.  Really loved the service.

Pastor:  Well, God bless you both.

Joe:  Do you have a moment? We were just wondering if we could ask you a few questions.

Pastor: Sure. Fire away.

Joe: How many services do you have here?

Note:  This is code for, “I like to sleep in late on Sundays.”

It’s Sunday.

Not only will 11.7 million people visit a Starbucks and ask for something extraordinarily specific like a “non-fat soy sugar-free caramel macchiato with a shot of espresso,” but a whole lot of us will shop for churches with the same self-absorbed specificity.

“I’m looking for a youthful, semi-charismatic service with a hint of reformed theology and a Donald Miller vibe.” 

“Can you help me find a progressive Presbyterian congregation for my mother—one that has a robed choir, snacks between services, and a penchant for homeless missions?

“We’re visiting a new church today. It’s slightly Willow Creek with a touch of old-school Calvary Chapel. It caters to single parents, disenfranchised boomers, and men who don’t want to hold hands. And you gotta love those jumbo screens.”