Because of the euphoria of the “in love” experience, many couples feel like they have genuine emotional intimacy. As one person said to me, “This is the strongest part of our relationship. We really connect emotionally.” However, when the euphoria subsides, some couples discover that the foundation for emotional intimacy is extremely weak. They experience feelings of estrangement and distance. “I don’t know how I could have felt so close to him six months ago when today I feel like I don’t even know him,” one recent bride confided.

What is emotional intimacy? It is that deep sense of being connected to one another. It is feeling loved, respected, and appreciated, while at the same time seeking to reciprocate.

To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality. Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship. Let’s explore these three ingredients to emotional unity.

Possible Proposal? Here are six questions you should ask before popping the question. 

1.    Are my partner and I on the same wavelength intellectually? (Try one of these exercises: Read a newspaper or online news article and discuss its merits and implications; read a book and share your impressions with each other.)

2.    To what degree have we surveyed the foundation of our social unity? (Explore the following areas: sports, music, dance, parties, and vocational aspirations.)

3.    Do we have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses? (Take a personality profile. This is normally done under the direction of a counselor who will interpret the information and help you discover potential areas of personality conflicts.)