sex

American Idolatry

Holly Ordway — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 09:38:01 -0700

The fact that we have a television show called American Idol is a bit of an indication that we don’t really know what an idol is – or what our attitude toward one ought to be.

I will confess, I am sufficiently behind the pop-culture curve that I have never actually watched American Idol, but because I do not live under a rock, I am familiar with what the show is about, and how it works. (Call it cultural osmosis.) As far as I can tell, it’s a harmless and entertaining show.

I do find the name interesting, however. American Idol. Who will be the next Idol? Lots of people want to be an idol – and millions more are eagerly waiting to find out whom they will idolize next.

But what really is an idol?

An idol is anything that we worship other than the one true and living God. Period.

We have to stop here for a moment, and think about what that means. Let’s start from the basic premise: in order to put something in the place of God, we have to recognize that God exists – and that He exists whether we recognize His existence or not. (Along similar lines, San Diego Gas & Electric supplies the power to my home, whether or not I give any thought whatsoever to the reason why I magically get light whenever I flip a switch.)

If we deny His existence, then we are going to become idolaters, no matter what. The human heart seeks to worship God, the God who made us in His image, and if we deny ourselves the correct orientation for our worship, then we will put something else in that place. In human lives, something always has to come first. The only question is, what? If we recognize His existence – for instance, by using our reason to understand the evidence that points to Him – then we are in the favorable position of being able, with His help, to put Him first in our lives.

Next, what does it mean that He is a living God? It means that putting Him first doesn’t mean just attaching a “High Importance” label to the idea of God. Rather, it means that we seek to enter into, sustain, and deepen a relationship with the most holy Trinity, the God who not only made us, but who also became incarnate to save us from our own alienation from Him.

If we remake God in our own image, we are engaged in idolatry just as much as if we deny Him and worship something else. If we translate “God is love” into “love is God,” then we are making an idol. If we re-cast Jesus into a figure who makes no inconvenient demands on our lives, if we try to make him something other than true God and true man, the crucified and Risen Lord, then we may think we are worshiping Christ but we are really worshipping an idol. Yes, orthodoxy is a matter of life and death.

Finally, what does it mean to worship? To worship an idol does not mean that we have a little statue of Baal in the backyard, to which we offer sacrifices. To worship, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, means “to honour or adore.” In other words, to put it first, to give it the best and largest share of our thoughts, time, and energy.

I would argue that the most common idols in our culture are money and consumer goods; sex; and work. All of these things are good when used rightly, but all become terrible when put first. You don’t have to be a philosopher to recognize this; just look at the families of workaholics, or the character and personal relationships of those who pursue sexual gratification for its own sake.

Or look in your own heart. In a culture so full of idols, all clamoring for our devotion, it would take a real saint to not struggle at least a little bit against the siren song of idolatry. For myself, I recognize the temptation to make my teaching into an idol, particularly since I work in an environment that encourages an unhealthy level of identification of oneself with one’s work, and a culture of workaholism. I have to resist the temptation to think that the work itself is of the highest importance in my life. Yes, it’s challenging, rewarding, exciting, and worthwhile – but only insofar as I recognize that it’s work God has given me to do, at this particular time in my life, using the gifts He has given me, and putting Him first.

There’s one last thing about idols. Idols demand sacrifice. We even use the word, if our particular idol is work and money: we make sacrifices to rise in our career, to get the promotion, to achieve what we think is success. Those sacrifices are usually of other people, aren’t they? Friends. Children. Spouses; consider how high our divorce rate is – how many marriages have been immolated on the altar of Success?

The idol of sex has its demands for sacrifice, too – oh, indeed it does, and they are terrible.

God the most holy Trinity also asks for sacrifice – but He does not call us to sacrifice someone else. He asks for nothing less than ourselves, holding nothing back. Yet, in the great mystery of redemption, when we say Yes to that sacrifice, that death of self, we learn that He has already made the sacrifice for us: our Father has provided, Himself, the one sacrifice that is all in all, never repeated, yet eternally present: His only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, who is both our great high priest and the sacrificial Lamb of God. When we participate in that sacrifice, when we die with Christ, we also rise with Christ – and in giving ourselves wholly to Him, we become, ever more completely, who we were always meant to be.

No idol can ever deliver on that promise.

What is idolatry? Seeking the gift and not the Giver; loving what He has made when He calls us to love and be loved by Him. May we turn from our idols, whatever form they may take, however appealing they may be, and instead seek the face of Reality, the one true and living God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Homosexuality: Know the Truth, Speak it with Compassion Part1

Sean McDowell — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 08:50:29 -0700

The following article is written by Alan Shlemon and is from Apologetics for a New Generation, edited by Sean McDowell (Harvest House, 2009), used with permission.

It’s not surprising people think Christians hate homosexuals. They see how we often treat them.

Kyle’s sad story was one I’d heard before. After 25 years of deep immersion in the gay lifestyle, he wanted out. His choice to follow Jesus meant a day-to-day struggle to stay celibate because simply becoming a Christian didn’t change his same-sex desires. With God’s help though, he was winning the battle.

Kyle thought his church would be a safe harbor during the storm. When he “came out” to his pastor and a counselor, though, both told him to never speak of his plight again. His church forced him back into the closet.

Fifteen years of celibacy later, Kyle came out a second time. Surely things have changed, he thought. It must be safe now. After all, everyone has struggles and temptations. This time he hoped his new church would come alongside and pray for him. But he was mistaken. They turned a blind eye to his struggle, discouraged him from serving, and relegated him to attending and tithing.

Back into the Closet

Our formula for gays[i] is predictable: Condemn and convert. Rebuke their behavior, blast them with the Bible, and then try to win them over with a cliché.

“Sodomy is sin,” we proclaim. Then we quote our “clobber passage,” a verse that condemns homosexuals or even commands their execution.[ii] “But there’s hope,” we reassure them. “God hates the sin, but He loves the sinner.” That’s not what they hear, though. They hear, “God hates the sin and He hates the sinner.”

Armed with Bible verses for bullets, we’re locked and loaded, ready to fire at the first sign of a homosexual. But there’s no grace in a gunshot. Instead of offering hope and healing, we inflict more injury.

We shouldn’t be surprised when gays go back into the closet after they try to come out in the church. Worse, many go back into the lifestyle, sometimes through a “gay church” that shows them the love, grace, and respect they had hoped to get from us.[

Predictably, younger people often perceive Christianity negatively. The Barna Group, a research organization that focuses on religious cultural trends, found that young people think Christians aren’t merely opposed to homosexuality, but show “excessive contempt and unloving attitudes towards gays and lesbians.” Ninety-one percent of young non-Christians and 80% of young church-goers perceive Christianity as “anti-homosexual.”[iv]

More tragically, Barna found that younger Christians complained their church failed to help them apply biblical principles to their friendships with gays. Young people lack arguments and tactics needed to maneuver in conversation and navigate moral dilemmas in a thoughtful, but loving way. Consequently, young people think they must choose between their faith and their friends who are gay. If their friendships mean more to them than their theology, they will choose their friends over their faith every time.

Something is wrong here. Clearly, we need a new approach. Our young people think they’re faced with a difficult moral dilemma. But they don’t have to abandon their gay friends just because homosexuality is wrong. There is a third option, but it’s something that’s rarely taught or modeled in church.

Know the Truth

Our new approach incorporates two key elements: truth and compassion. Truth speaks to the content of our message. Compassion addresses the manner in which it’s conveyed. It’s a winning combination based on principles found in 1 Peter 3:15 – defend the truth, yet with gentleness and respect.

Truth starts with a biblical understanding of homosexuality. Although there are six main passages on the subject,[v] for strategic reasons I recommend using Romans 1:26-27 as your primary text. Since it’s in the New Testament, you sidestep the challenge that the Old Testament verses don’t apply to us today.[vi] Romans also addresses both male and female homosexuality and outlines the real problem: rebellion against God and rejection of His created order. This makes it difficult to argue that the behavior condemned in the passage is something other than homosexuality.[vii]

Knowing the biblical truth about homosexuality is important because many people deny that God condemns homosexual behavior. Indeed, they go to great lengths to reinterpret those six passages.[viii]

Although they’re not successful, their claims sound appealing to people who don’t carefully interpret the Bible. If we learn and understand these verses, it’s easy to clear up this distortion.

Religious arguments, however, are often immediately dismissed by non-Christians. So knowing the truth doesn’t mean we learn only biblical arguments. An effective strategy also incorporates secular arguments. This includes appeals to natural law, the common good, and public health.[ix] If you can base your views on evidence that make sense even to non-religious people, you’ll be able to speak with anyone.

Getting them to consider your ideas can be difficult, though. That’s why it’s critical to present our views in a conversational manner. We’re not typically trained to do that. Too often we try to persuade by making statements instead of asking questions. This immediately raises defenses. Suppose you’re discussing whether homosexuality is genetic and say, “Even if being gay is genetic, it doesn’t mean that it’s right.” Your friend replies with, “Sure it does! I can’t deny how I’ve been created.” Now what? Another statement? Their defenses are up, and the conversation grinds to a halt.

Questions, on the other hand, are friendly and more engaging. They invite discussion. Rephrase your statement with a question: “I’m curious to know your thoughts on this. Can you tell me why you think if something is genetic, then it must be right?” This is disarming. It doesn’t provoke the same knee-jerk reaction. Instead, there’s a give and take. People naturally respond to questions and the discussion moves along.

Or, you can gently challenge their belief with a question like: “Do you think any behavior is morally appropriate simply because it has a genetic link?” Notice that even though you’re asking a question, you’re still making your point. Just because a behavior has a genetic component, that doesn’t make it right. Making your point with a question sounds friendlier.

Another way to incorporate questions into your conversation is to use the “burden of proof” rule. Applying this rule makes discussions about homosexuality less difficult and more engaging. The burden of proof is simply the responsibility to give proof – credible reasons – in favor of a point of view. The rule is simple: The person who offers an opinion bears the burden to give reasons for it. If they make a claim, it is their job to defend it, not yours to refute it.

Too often Christians ignore this rule. Someone says something like, “Christianity is a homophobic religion,” and off we go defending ourselves. This is unnecessary. Why should we do all the work when they made the statement? Since they made the claim, it’s their job to defend it.

Simply ask, “How did you come to that conclusion?” or “What reasons do you have for thinking that’s true?” Then sit back and quietly listen. The question gently shifts the burden back where it belongs – on the person who made the claim. It asks them to give reasons for their view, which is a legitimate request. It also makes our job easier by taking the pressure off us to respond.

Questions allow us to make our points and advance the discussion in disarming ways. When we incorporate questions, our discussions about homosexuality become less intimidating. We can make our points without sounding like we are simply pushing our views on others. And we spend less time in the “hot seat” responding to claims we have no obligation to address.

[i]
Although I use the terms “homosexual” and “gay” interchangeably in this chapter, I believe they have different meanings. “Homosexual” describes a person with predominately same-sex attractions. “Gay” is a social term to describe a homosexual who affirms the homosexual orientation as their identity. While all gays are homosexual, not all homosexuals are gay. Some homosexuals, although they have same-sex attractions, reject the gay identity.

[ii] Leviticus 20:13.

[iii] By love and grace, I don’t mean agreement with the gay lifestyle. Many people like Kyle don’t even get basic respect.

[iv] “A New Generation Expresses its Skepticism and Frustration with Christianity,” The Barna Update, The Barna Group, September 24, 2007.

[v] Genesis 19:4-8, Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and 1 Timothy 1:8-11.

[vi] Some pro-gay theology advocates suggest that the Old Testament passages that condemn homosexual behavior do not apply to New Testament Christians. Regardless of the whether this argument is valid, the Romans passage sidesteps this objection.

[vii] The 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy passages merely name homosexuality as sin. Moreover, the Greek word translated homosexuality is a word coined by Paul and, according to pro-gay theology advocates, does not necessarily mean homosexuality (I disagree with this conclusion, however). Consequently, these New Testament passages are more prone to being reinterpreted as referring to some other sin. That’s why it may save you unnecessary debate by focusing on the Romans passage.

[viii] For a refutation of pro-gay theology, see The Gay Gospel? How Pro-Gay Advocates Misread the Bible by Joe Dallas. Dallas is not only a former gay man, but was also involved in the pro-gay theology movement. His treatment is truthful and compassionate.

[ix] For an introduction in these arguments, I’d recommend Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth by Jeffrey Santinover, Homosexuality and American Public Life by Christopher Wolfe, Marriage on Trial: The Case Against Same-sex Marriage and Parenting by Glenn T. Stanton and Bill Maier, and articles on Stand to Reason’s website www.str.org.

For Play: Sexuality Part 4

Kristin Ritzau — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 11:37:59 -0700

I bought a hula hoop today. Inspired by my massage therapist, who just bought one, I drove to Toys-R-Us and found the sparkly hoops. They now come with water inside instead of the little beads that used to help it go round and round. I kept shaking it in the store expecting a rattle, but a woman finally pointed out to me that there was water, which makes it go much smoother now. After I had made a new friend and we talked about what a great workout we were going to get, I found myself wandering around the giant toy store. I usually dash in and out to quickly snag a Christmas or birthday present for my nieces and nephews, so I haven’t had time to peruse as I was hunting for the Death Star Galatica Lego Extravaganza whose-it-whats-it.

I wandered back to the bikes and through the doll aisle. The Barbie bride has come a long way switching out her Princess Di veil and layers of lace to a strapless glittering number with an ultra modern hairdo. I couldn’t help but also notice that Toys-R-Us used to seem so much bigger as a kid, and it always held such wonder. It was torture to go in there with no allowance money or to shop for someone else with my mom! But now the dusty stock shelves and the vinyl floors have lost a little magic – toys don’t hold the key to happiness anymore. I clutched my hula hoop and drove home. (After paying of course.)

I thought about sexuality on the way home and how toy stores for adults promise similar magic, but their products are quite a bit different. It’s confusing all of this talk of “toys” so in turn sexuality loses its lackluster too. Should we go in there? Am I evil if I actually like it? Who cares? Are all questions thrown around when discussing this particular toy store. So where do we go for play? For some it is the bedroom, for others the toy store revolves around clothing or electronics or kitchen stuff. There are still places we go to play, but in a lot of ways the passion of play was lost in our youth. I think that is why so many people don’t want to lose it.

When you get older, passion for others, non-profits, or even churches is supposed to grow. Passion for yourself means, well what does it mean? If it’s talked about in the media it means botox, surgery, and the latest workout, diet, or piece of clothing – you deserve it. Like the CRV CRaVe campaign – shopping, nails, chocolate dipped strawberries… you’re passionate about all of that right? So why not buy a car that lives up to that standard too? For some it is the simpler things, as my friend recently discovered, it can mean going to the grocery store without your 7-month-old in tow. But to find passion if the romance and drama section is taken out? What does that mean? Passion for our “self”? It’s interesting too that the dramas showing the life and death of Jesus are called Passion plays. Passion here, passion there – what is passion when it’s everywhere?

Some feel guilty for spending money on toys, some think they’ve earned it – possibly both are right. Just a thought, but maybe if we redefined passion, it would help with this thing called sexuality. And not just a passion for others, but this so-called passion for ourselves – to view ourselves as Jesus sees us: redeemed, loved, cared for, even when we don’t feel like that. So new question: How do we feel loved and cared for? What do we do to invest in those things? As I have dived into this, I have engaged in dialogues with groups of my single and married friends. My friend Kim presented a list to one of her grad school classes on 50 ways singles can embrace their sexual selves in a healthy way. Personally, I think the list is great for both singles and marrieds – the divide doesn’t just go away when you say your vows. Sexuality is still something to ponder, talk about, and discover for your self. Part of list is at the end of this blog.

This short blog series is not an attempt to say here is what it is: __________. That would be irresponsible. Rather I hope it has spurred on good conversations and thoughts either in your own mind or with others. So for now I will end with a few items on the list (if you would like the whole thing, please comment or send me a message and I can forward it to you), but this will definitely be a topic revisited because our passion and sexuality are in constant redefinition as are our hips, our bodies, our minds and ourselves. So make some time to dance, to hula hoop, spend some time with your body discovering you and not letting the media tell you who you are. Use time to heal wounds and confront your past and finally make time for play – for magic – for passion. You might be surprised how God shows up.

50 WAYS SINGLES CAN EMBRACE THEIR SEXUAL SELVES IN A HEALTHY WAY [edited for length]

By Kimberly Williams and Kristin Martin

PHYSICAL:

Take a risk with your body. Do something that feels uncomfortable: rock climbing, surfing, rollerblading, ice skating, etc. See what it feels like to feel the adrenaline rush and to work new muscles that you don’t normally use. Be willing to fail and look silly.

Embrace nakedness. Sleep naked, stand in front of a mirror naked… If you are uncomfortable with yourself naked alone, I would imagine it may be difficult to be naked in front of someone else. It’s hard to offer our bodies to someone else, when we aren’t comfortable with them ourselves…even with their bulges, dimples, lack of tone, and stretch marks.

Celebrate yourself and your senses. Learn how to create space to pamper yourself. Eat some really good food. Buy a new piece of clothing that you feel great in. Teach yourself a new skill. Take a bubble bath, light some candles while you’re at it. Do an art project.

RELATIONAL:

Live with other people. We can’t help from developing habits from our family. How to clean bathrooms, how to do dishes, how to go grocery shopping, how to make breakfast…how to do life. The more you see other people doing the same things the more you learn that things can be done in different ways. It’s so important to learn how to be a part of a household system. Again these are helpful skills to have in marriage.

Build multi-generational friendships. Sometimes singles end up only interacting with people in their own walk of life. Just as the family unit brings together generational stages – go out and gather some people to be in your life who are at different walks of life then you.

PERSONAL:

Date Investigation. Take yourself to the movies, go to a restaurant by yourself, find a great beach, figure out what you like to do on dates. Be creative. Plan dates for a friend. If you get into a relationship you will not become an automatic expert on the matter. A significant other may ask, “What do you want to do?” “What do you like to do?” “Where should we go?”– learn how to answer these questions.

Acknowledge your own emotional wounds. Relationships have a way of bringing these things up – not to mention that emotional wounds can have a large impact on our everyday dealings with others – so why wait until you’re forced to deal with it and get a head start on it now!

Distribute your energies. Maybe you are using this single stage of you life to jump-start your career. That may be so, but it’s a healthy thing to balance your life at this stage as well. We will always feel the pull of different commitments and wants. Cultivate your ability to balance now and invest your energy into a varied list of things whether that’s taking time out to build friendships, study, enjoy a hobby, or take care of family.

SPIRITUALLY:

Intentionally self-disclose to God. Give your whole self over to be known. Bring things into prayer, in honesty, that you may never have talked to God about (i.e; actually enjoying some sexual situation that you felt was a sin.) Let your prayer be a conversation rather then only a confession. Only when we can honestly bare ourselves in front of God do we give him the permission to begin healing, making us whole, and revealing to us what is true heart and intention is.

Learn how to make space for this relationship. Just like any human relationships we have, it only deepens when we carve out a segment of our life to give the relationship priority. Set aside Sabbath days, daily prayer/devotion times, learn a new spiritual discipline. And don’t think these things can’t be fun…some of my free-est and most playful days have been those I’ve spent alone during Sabbaths.

Pray naked. :) This may be a far reach for many. We heard this from a nun expressing how she embraced her sexuality. God created us naked. God sees us naked. Our bodies are his creation and we have no need to be ashamed of them in front of him…so why not!?

Learn what it means to offer your heart to someone. Giving your heart up is a very risky thing to do. Along with the risk are many benefits. Begin now to learn what it means to truly love others and practice in small ways what’s involved in offering your heart. Maybe it’s a calling you feel God is leading your towards or something else you are really invested in.

Practice confession. YES, the ‘C’-word! We all mess up with God and with others. Come clean and honest by putting yourself on the line via confession.

Define your own definition of what a holy sexuality is. All of us have some skewed ideas of sexuality from the world or the church (or both!) Take some effort and recognize what lies you may be unconsciously accepting. Once you define what it really is you are aspiring to, you’re much more likely to stay on track!

BEHAVIORAL:

Get to know your own sexual history (even if you don’t know you have one!) Where did you learn about sex? How do you interact with others? What ideas about sex, gender roles, sexuality do you have? How do these affect your interactions with others? Think about how your sexual history can affect even your relationship with God.

See yourself as loveable and affirm that others are also. This suggestion isn’t just to make you more attractive…but using the space of singleness to really embrace who God made you to be and to do the same for others is an awesome gift!

Again, this list is not just for singles. There are many things that I think are great as a married woman too. It’s very long, but helpful and I thank Kim for letting me use it. Here’s to embracing our sexual selves!

Vampires, Disneyland, and Pain Disorders: Sexuality Part 3

Kristin Ritzau — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:55:27 -0700

Edward Cullen. As you read that name one of three things happens: 1. You think, “Who the heck is that?” 2. You swoon, or 3. You say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I prefer Jacob Black.” Edward Cullen has captivated the audience of hundreds of thousands of women (and men) worldwide as the lead character in the Twilight series. He is also the face of sexuality for a generation. He is immortally stuck at age 17. He is handsome beyond all reason, chivalrous, and has been waiting nearly 100 years for his soul mate. Oh and he’s a vampire.

After seeing a ton of “Cullen” paraphernalia on Facebook and pestering my students about what the heck this movement was, one of them finally just went out and got me the first book. “We can talk about Twilight after you’ve finished reading it” she told me. So I proceeded to read the first one, then second, third and finally the fourth one, oh and the Edward version online as well. It is a great story, a little weird, but addicting. There is something to be said about a young, well-mannered man who has self-control and eyes for only one girl.

But I couldn’t help but grimace and wriggle in my chair * NOTE: spoiler ahead if you haven’t read the books * at this undying (literally) pressure for Edward and his human girlfriend, Bella who is 18, to get married. I’m not saying that getting married young is bad or wrong, but after talking to a handful of my girlfriends, it would seem to us that for Bella, other than her desire to become a vampire out of this love for Edward, the other huge factor driving the wedding decision appears to be sex. And sure enough, the wedding takes place and they quickly set off for the family’s private island for their honeymoon. When they get there, it turns out that sex is the one “human” activity vampires still enjoy, but it is heightened to the umpteenth power. There isn’t a lot written about the actual escapade, but Bella is left on cloud nine come the morning despite the major body bruising due to her now husband trying to refrain himself from killing her – oh the romance of it all.

It is a lot women’s fantasies – rich husband or at least financially secure, fancy cars, private islands, lovely stable family, moral and upright, spending eternity with the one you love. But the issue is when the lines between fantasy and reality become blurred. Fantasy is all well and good – trust me I love Disneyland, but we don’t live there. And this strange deception has crept into bedrooms across the world. There is a reason why Matthew McConaughey gets a paycheck and books like Twilight sell millions.

In the perfectionist realm sexuality is the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about, even in the church it is not a healthy discussion. In the past 2 years, I’ve heard of one church doing a 30-day sex famine and another doing a 30-day sex-periment. Both brain childs of 40 something white males who did press junkets after their announcements. I understand that at their inception, these ideas are not evil things. But the good intention goes to waste if there is not education and safety around these issues. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) in America 1 out of every 6 women will be raped in their lifetime as well as 1 out of every 33 males. In 2007, there were a quarter of a million women raped who reported it. Approximately 60% of rapes go unreported. It is true that reported rapes have gone down in the last 15 years, but that doesn’t mean the problems go away. Every two minutes someone is sexually assaulted in the US and 73% of the victims know their assailant. It was estimated 15 years ago that 10% of all rapes were martial rapes where the perpetrator was her husband (Patricia Easteal). Ten years ago nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives (Commonwealth Fund Survey, 1998). And 40% of women report some kind of sexual dysfunctional that may or may not even have to do with abuse or assault. The church is oftentimes not a place you will hear these statistics, but this is a community problem. The church has bought into the marital fairytale too. To preach a sermon on sex and not include the dark side is naïve and dangerous. We need to know both sides of the matter and not just the prince charming with roses. This isn’t a scare tactic; it’s facts from the US Department of Justice. It’s the reality of a fallen world and the lives of our mothers, daughters, sisters and friends.

The pressure is there for marriage and sex, but at what cost? What about the women in the audience who are hurting either from abuse or a pain disorder? What about when all the people hoop and holler at the minister when he says “get it on for 30 days” and there is someone desperately needing to leave her abusive husband? What if there is a couple needing to work on their intimacy and sex is part of that and minister tells them to stop having sex for 30 days? There are women in congregations and in your neighborhoods that are victims of these disgusting crimes and have disorders, but yet the church for the most part has been silent, leaving the work up to non-profits, therapists and medical facilities while leaving plenty of women with a huge burden of shame and guilt.

We have to know what sexuality is not so that we know what it is – and it’s not a power grab. It’s not a control issue, but it might have become that. There are a lot of people hurting over the cost of the appearance that their life is a fairytale. I know this all might sound a little scary or even harsh, but I hope that it is a wake up call. When the church doesn’t recognize people as whole when they are single, there is a problem. When a successful singles ministry is seen as marrying people off, there is a problem. No, it is not bad to meet someone at church, that’s wonderful, but if you’re measuring your success in marriages, check the Christian divorce rate. If we want healthy marriages we need healthy sexuality conversations. We need to be educated about the hurt and the pain even if we have never experienced it for ourselves. If you don’t think there is pressure to get married, go talk to a 29-year-old or thirty-something single woman in a church community. Every single woman I have spoke with in the past 3 years has said this: “I thought I would be married by now.” And the hurt continues for some, even though Paul said it was good to not marry (I Cor. 7:1) in order to focus more completely on ministry. There is nothing more attractive than wholeness, yet we treat wholeness as two broken people coming together instead of two whole people. When Jesus says the two shall become one (Matt. 19) that’s assuming there’s two to begin with, not .8 and .5. We are fallen and sinful, but Jesus also made us whole, that was the point of the cross. He is not still on the cross, but so often we put ourselves there waiting for Jesus to come save us, but he already did.

Marriage is hard work, but also a wonderful and exciting journey. For the majority of the population it will not revolve around private islands and mind-blowing sex every single night. You get sick, you travel, and you have kids if you so choose to (or for some, even if you didn’t). So much of sexuality in the church is wrapped up marriage and people have assumed that behind closed doors is where the conversation belongs. We don't share our whole stories for the better or worse, we share bragging rights. People are asking questions either in their minds or even out loud, but where do they go?

Cycle of life: Sexuality Part 2

Kristin Ritzau — Tue, 26 May 2009 11:58:56 -0700

It starts and ends with our bodies. What’s “it”? Everything. Life. We will never know anything outside of our bodies yet we have been taught to fight against them, to numb pain, and look for the fountain of youth. It’s hard to think of another thing we have tried to push so far outside of our bodies than sexuality. In reading up on this topic and exploring cultural dialogue, it is almost impossible to consider sexuality without sex, but what I’m advocating for is that yes, sex is part of if, but not the whole and not a starting place either. So often it is sex that makes us consider sexuality, but what if it was reversed? What if we thought about sexuality outside of sex?

Rewind to junior high. Boys' voices start cracking, girls breasts start developing, and hair grows in places one only sees in text books or the dictionary. It has become a stage of life in Western culture labeled as “awkward,” “ugly,” “annoying,” “difficult,” and my personal fave, “survival of the fittest.” It is an incredibly random person that I meet that enthusiastically says, “I loved junior high!” In this developmental phase many kids’ parents are caught off guard: “It happened so fast.” “She’s still my little girl.” When I got my period, my dad and I had a totally awkward conversation and he told me 15 years later he, being the father of 3 boys and 1 girl (me), decided that my mom would just “take care of it.” And so it begins, this weird separation that can lead to suppression, exploration, or exploitation.

I love the idea of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs – coming of age, rites of passage. Too often shopping trips, manis/pedis, or expensive parties become the symbol of adulthood for tweens. The Bar/Bat Mitzvahs ceremonies (not necessarily the parties, some of which are lavish as well) still carry deep tradition and are steeped in symbolic rituals. Families come together in community to celebrate the arrival of adulthood. The Christian tradition doesn’t have anything like this across the board. Lutherans have confirmation. Catholics have first communion, but for the most part Protestant churches graduate you from junior high to high school youth group and that is that. Rituals, symbols, and traditions are instituted in families and not in the church or communities anymore. These are ways of sharing ancient wisdom and knowledge that only communities have, so a lot of young people are left with a couple conversations and then up to their own vices to “learn.” One of my favorite books is Anita Diamant’s Red Tent, which is fiction, but the idea of women gathering together, sharing wisdom, and learning about their bodies is a rich and beautiful thing.

The traditions I was taught as I “came of age” were the “birds and the bees talk” with my mom, tampons or pads, douche or don’t. It shouldn’t smell. No one should realize it’s happening, except maybe your close girlfriends. You should be able to do everything even on your period, except if you wear pads – then you’re doomed especially in bathing suit weather. So we shove it up, stuff it up, clean it up, take Advil or Mydol or a pill that makes us not even get our period and the denial begins. Our periods are not celebrated as part of our femininity. I understand this is a weird conversation – “It’s a curse.” “It’s all Eve’s fault.” “It’s my time of the month.” (And men quickly learn to never bring that up in an argument for fear of losing their heads.)

But I truly believe in a God that can redeem anything and anyone. I believe this denial of our cycles and belief in white absorbent cotton has led to lack of knowledge about our bodies and our sexuality as women. After all, most women only look “down there” when there’s a problem, but it’s a part of our body. Most men do not have issues with this because they can see and feel what’s going on. Women fight against it or at least are taught to.

So we have to reintroduce ourselves to our bodies and to our cycles. Books like Taking Charge of Your Fertility and Our Bodies, Ourselves are great educational tools and journeys every woman should know about, not just when they are trying to conceive. We should learn more about women of the past and not just where the tampon aisle is at Target. Yes, I wish it wasn’t like this either, but we have to move beyond that. We need to realize that our bodies are good – Jesus came to us in one. That this flesh we try to flee is all we have to experience life and God for that matter. So it may not seem like this is about sexuality at all, but it truly is. Our bodies need to be understood and explored. It is a temple and worthy of taking some time to get to know.

What’s the Big Deal with Porn?

Sean McDowell — Fri, 08 May 2009 10:39:17 -0700

Earlier this year some high school students invited me to lunch. To my amazement, the girl across the table from me had live TV on her cell phone. While this has become more common recently, this was the first time I had seen this. She had perfect reception of CNN, VH1, MTV, Fox News, and more. I had to take a closer look! So we swapped phones for a few minutes. Pretty soon all the students were showing off the “cool” features of their individual phones. One young man handed me his phone and I wanted to see how quickly it would connect to the Internet. I pushed the Safari icon but got something I was not expecting—a deeply disturbing pornographic image. This got me wondering how many young people look at porn. How common is this? Now that porn is accessible from anywhere, at any time, how much is it really affecting young people?

Consider some statistics:
•   4 billion dollars is spent on video pornography in the US each year, more than on football, baseball, and basketball combined
•   42.7% of all Internet users now view porn online
•   Every second there are approximately 28,258 Internet users viewing pornography
•   In 2006 worldwide porn revenue was estimated to be $97.06 billion. $13.3 billion is generated in the U.S. annually
•   Approximately 30% of Internet porn consumers are female

Some people think pornography is not really a big deal. “It’s just a phase kids go through,” said one young mother to me. Dr. Jill Manning, a sociologist who works with young couples, thinks very differently. “Several years ago,” she said, “I would have considered myself complacent if not downright indifferent about the issue of pornography. Today, I feel a sense of urgency about this issue that often surprises me”

Three thousand years ago King Solomon warned his son about the dangers of prostitution. In fact, Solomon nearly begged his son to listen. He said: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction. And do not forsake your mother’s teaching” (Proverbs 1:8). Since pornography actually means “writing about prostitutes,” it seems appropriate to approach the issue with the same sense of urgency.

Three Myths about Pornography

Myth #1: “It doesn’t affect me”
A couple years ago one of my students came to see me during lunch. For the past six months he had been looking at porn every night, and it was tearing him apart inside. He even admitted lying directly to his father’s face to hide his newfound addiction. When I asked how it affected him he shamefully uttered the following words, “I can no longer look at a woman without seeing her as a sexual object.”

Journalist Pamela Paul shares a story that drives this point home: “A single twenty-something graphic designer told me he would find himself in bars berating himself over the way he scanned potential dates. ‘I’d be saying, ‘No, her breasts are too small, she’s not worth it,’ then wonder, ‘Who have I become? Why am I judging women like this?’”

Dr. Gary Brooks, a psychologist at Texas A&M University explains that “soft-core pornography has a very negative effect on men as well. The problem with soft-core pornography is that it’s voyeurism—it teaches men to view women as objects rather than to be in relationships with women as human beings” Rather than seeing a woman (or a man) as a human being who has physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational dimensions, pornography reduces a person simply to the physical. Pornography reduces a person to his or her body parts, and thus treats people as objects for consumption. It’s impossible to divorce porn consumption from how we view people in the “real” world.

Porn also affects how we view ourselves. Dr. Jill Manning reports: “In my office, and the offices of many of my colleagues, however, there appears to be increased insecurity, body image issues, sexual anxieties and relationship difficulties for female consumers of pornography.” How can anyone compete with the perfect (or near perfect) bodies of porn stars?

Pornography offers a script about the role and purpose of sex. Just as we learn how to behave in a library or a football game by watching how others behave in similar settings, porn offers a script for how people are to behave sexually. Consider the basic script of porn:

1.   Sex is best experienced outside of a loving relationship. Porn is void of affection, verbal compliments, embracing, laughter, or expressions of love. Rather, sex is cold, mechanical, and a purely physical means of attaining pleasure. Is this how sex is best experienced? As I document in my book Ethix, it’s actually married couples who are having the most and the best sex. Part of the reason is because marriage involves a deep commitment of love and trust. Real love is about giving, but porn is about taking. Viewing porn may feel good, but it can never provide the deeply fulfilling experience of marital love as God designed it to be experienced.

2.   Women like all sexual acts that men perform or demand. Sadly, because of the prevalence of porn, there’s been an increase of young women being pressured into performing oral sex, anal sex, and other sexual behaviors to please men. More female adolescents are tolerating emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in dating relationships, feeling pressure to make out with females as a way to turn guys on. This is why I often tell young girls that if any guy ever pressures you then he does not love you, period. A word of encouragement to all the ladies who are reading this article: You are too valuable to be treated as objects by men.

3.   Any woman who says she does not want sex can be persuaded with a little force. A recent content analysis of 50 best-selling adult videos revealed that nearly half had scenes of verbal aggression, and over 88% showed physical aggression. Men who viewed massive amounts of pornography recommended significantly shorter sentences for men who committed violent sexual crimes.

The jury is in: porn affects those who view it.

Myth #2: “I’ll quit later”
To respond to this myth, we need to take a look at the complexity of the brain and its role in addiction. According to Dr. Joe McIlhaney, “The human brain is, without question, the most complicated three-pound mass of matter in the known universe” . A surprising fact about the brain is that it is moldable and adaptable from birth until death. The brain is not fully formed until age twenty-five. Thus, our behavior and thoughts, especially during adolescence, contribute to the development of the brain. Let’s take a closer look.

Synapses are the part of the brain which enables neurons to communicate (there are over 100 trillion connections in the typical brain!). Synapses are sustained or allowed to deteriorate based upon our thoughts and behavior. The common phrase is, “Neurons that fire together wire together.” For example, the Chinese language does not include sounds for L and R. Thus, Chinese children raised in Chinese-speaking households never hear nor use those sounds, so the part of the brain that would allow them to pronounce Ls and Rs withers and dies. Consider a second example. If a monkey’s fingers are sewn together and so forced to move at the same time, the maps for them would fuse, because their neurons fired together and hence wired together.

Porn viewers develop new maps in their brains, based upon photos and videos they see. These images come back when they are away from the computer, reinforcing them. The brain becomes physically wired to sexually cue a computer (or an image), rather than to a human being. Pornified author Pamela Paul says: “Boys who look at pornography excessively become men who connect arousal purely with the physical, losing the ability to become attracted by the particular features of a given partner. Instead, they recreate images from pornography in their brain while they’re with a real person.” It’s difficult to simply quit something that has become wired into the brain.

Neurochemicals are also an important part of the proper functioning of the brain. For example, dopamine is the “reward” chemical that makes a person feel good when experiencing something exciting or rewarding. Drugs such as cocaine and methamphetamine target dopamine neurons in the brain and give immediate pleasure. The problem is that drugs short-circuit the natural process through which dopamine is meant to be released. Drugs over-stimulate the dopamine neurons and cause the brain to become numb to pleasure, causing the person to seek more of the drug or behavior that produced the good feeling in the first place.

Dopamine is also released during porn consumption, activating the brain’s pleasure centers, and causing addiction. To reach the same level of pleasure, more porn is needed to get the same effect. Or harder-core porn is sought after, just as greater doses of drugs are needed to reach the same “high.” Here’s the bottom line: Porn can be just as addictive as drugs.

Michael Leahy was addicted to porn for thirty-three years, beginning at age eleven. It eventually cost him his marriage, career, and reputation. He now speaks and writes to university students about the damaging effects of pornography on relationships. Is it feasible to say, “I’ll quit later?” In Porn University, Leahy says, “The majority of college women I’ve spoken with tend to assume that most guys will eventually abandon it as well, especially when offered real sex as an alternative. But what most of today’s college women don’t understand is that it’s unlikely many of their male counterparts will ever cease to have some kind of a relationship with pornography” (p. 69).

The jury is in: claiming that you will “quit later” is a myth.

Myth #3: “I’m not hurting anyone”

Our culture is deeply committed to the idea that anything is moral as long as no one gets hurt. Thus, porn use would seemingly be fine as long as no one else gets hurt. There is only one problem with this idea: it’s a myth. Porn use does hurt other people. Husbands rarely think about how deeply their porn use hurts their spouses. It is not uncommon for women who discover their husband’s porn addiction to say things like, “I have no idea who he really is anymore,” “I feel like I have lived a lie the entire time I have been married,” and “I thought we had a good marriage until this was revealed.” Women regularly report feelings of betrayal, loss, mistrust, devastation and anger. In fact, porn use has become one of the top reasons cited for divorce.

A study was done to determine if exposure to porn affected how men treat women. In the experiment, men viewed either pornography or nonsexual news coverage of war. Following the film, the men were partnered with females to complete a problem-solving task involving how to survive a plane crash. Experimenters found that men who viewed porn showed more dominant behaviors, touched their female partners for longer periods of time, and ignored their partner’s contributions more often than males who viewed news clips. The women whose partners had viewed porn showed similar levels of anxiety, physical proximity, partner touch, and gazing as their partners. Ana Bridges concluded: “It suggests that women are affected by a partner’s use of sexually explicit material, even when they are unaware of such use”

The jury is in: porn use hurts other people.

So, What Do We Do?
When it’s all said and done, the reason pornography cannot be ignored is that it profoundly affects our relationship with God and with other people. As Jesus said, the greatest commandment is to love God and to love other people. The great human desire is for intimacy in relationships, which is being fully known and fully knowing another. But this is the very thing pornography robs us of the ability to experience. In Porn University Michael Leahy observes, “Nearly all who have made porn consumption a regular part of their lives confess struggling in relationships. They talk about the guilt and shame they feel regarding sex and the difficulty they have experiencing genuine intimacy with others, sexual and nonsexual.”

Burdens of guilt or shame erode our capacity to trust others because we have something to hide. We can’t be fully known because there’s always a secret to keep, some part of ourselves that we feel we must hide from others. This is why the Apostle Paul says to renounce “the things hidden because of shame, not walking in craftiness or adulterating the word of God…” If you struggle with pornography (or any other issue), the place to begin the healing process is to confess to God and to another believer. It’s never too late! 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Amazingly, such confession actually begins the process of rewiring the brain!

God wants us to be holy. But just as importantly, we worship a God who is compassionate, loving and forgiving. Pornography can be addicting, but we worship a God who is far more powerful and committed to our well-being than even we are. Healing is possible. I’ve seen it many times.

Recommended Resource: Porn Nation by Michael Leahy (there is a student version, too)

Why Evolutionary Theory is Wrong about Sex

Sean McDowell — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:43:49 -0700

Modern evolutionary theory is based upon the idea that human beings are “designed” (their term) to be promiscuous. The basic idea is that women have sex with multiple men until they find one with the best genes. And men have sex with various women until one chooses him to father her child. Men are seen as being driven by the desire to pass their genes on to the next generation, so they search out women who will give them the greatest opportunity for success.

A recent book by the founder of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, Dr. Joe McIlhaney and his co-author Dr. Freda McKissic Bush, calls this theory into question. Their book Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting our Children shows that just the opposite is the case. Rather than being “designed” for promiscuity, human beings are actually designed to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life.

What lead them to this conclusion? The primary reason is the recent data that has come to light regarding the inner-workings of the brain. The authors conclude: “But now, with the aid of modern neuroscience and a wealth of research, it is evident that humans are the healthiest and happiest when they engage in sex only with the one who is their mate for a lifetime” (p. 136). So, what specifically has brain research revealed?

The most important sex organ is the brain. It is the most complex physical structure in the known universe. Despite common misperceptions, the brain is not fully mature until around age 25. Thus, our decisions, behavior, and thoughts actually form the physical structures of our brains as we develop. The brain is composed of neurons (the primary cell of the brain), support cells (that strengthen the neurons), synapses (which generate communication between neurons), and neurochemicals. Thus, premarital sex and activities such as viewing porn short-circuit the proper functioning of the brain, and can damage to proper human development.

For example, one of the key neurochemicals in males is vasopressin, known as the “monogamy molecule.” Vasopressin has two primary functions in relationships—bonding to the spouse and attachment to the offspring (p. 41). Vasopressin is the primary cause of bonding between a man and another woman of whom he is in close contact. It has been studied in prairie voles (small mammals that live in the grasslands of the Midwest and are amazingly monogamous). Studies have shown that when the flow of vasopressin is blocked, male voles did not bond to females with whom they were sexually active. However, when the brain is flooded with vasopressin, as is supposed to happen in mating, the male vole shows increased attention and attachment to the young (p. 42). Vasopressin is the neurochemical that generates bonding, attachment, and commitment between a male and his mate. Multiple sex partners (as well as pornography viewing) short circuits the proper release of vasopressin and leads to the inability to bond with one spouse. Those who have multiple sex partners, says Hooked, “risk damaging a vital, innate ability to develop the long-term emotional attachment that results from sex with the same person over and over” (43).

Rather than being “designed” by nature for promiscuity, it seems that the brain is actually intelligently designed for sexual monogamy. Hooked clearly demonstrates that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter, whether STDs, nonmarital pregnancy, and emotional problems including damaged ability to develop healthy connectedness with others, including future spouses.

Sex is not the accidental by-product of evolution that helps us pass on our genes to the next generation. It is the purposeful creation of a loving God who has set out the guidelines through which it is best experienced.

Does Your Partner Really Need to Know About Your Sexual History?

Dr. Gary Chapman — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:52:18 -0700

Within relationships, the biblical challenge is honesty in all things. If we have been sexually active in the past and are now seriously thinking about marriage, we must be honest with our potential mate. Disclose fully what happened in your past. Marriage has no closets for skeletons. Your past is your past and can never be changed. Trust your partner to accept you as you are, not as he or she might wish you were. If such acceptance cannot be experienced, then marriage should not be consummated. You must enter marriage with all the cards on the table.

In addition to the acceptance of your potential mate, you must also accept yourself and overcome your own past. If, for example, you have a negative attitude toward sex because of past experiences, you must not sweep this under the rug and go on as though this attitude does not exist. Face it, and deal with it.

This may involve counseling and certainly involves the exploration of spiritual healing. For the Christian, this begins with an in-depth study of what the Scriptures say about our sexuality. One cannot come away from such a study without the impression that the biblical view of sexual intercourse within marriage is positive. It is wholesome, beautiful, and ordained of God. An understanding of the truth will liberate you from negative attitudes. Thank God for the truth and ask Him to change feelings to coincide with the truth. You are not destined to fail in marriage because of past failures. You will have roadblocks to overcome that would not be there if you had followed God’s ideal. But He has come to heal our infirmities and to help us reach our potential.

Does your relationship have the foundations for marital unity? If sex is your only goal, then the matters such as spiritual, emotional, and intellectual unity may seem relatively unimportant. If you only want someone to cook your meals or pay the rent, then all you need is a willing partner. If, on the other hand, your goal is total unity of life, then you ought to examine the foundation closely. If you find that the foundation is not strong enough to hold the weight of a lifetime commitment, then you should not marry.

In a recent study, 87 percent of never-married single adults said that they wanted to have one marriage that would last a lifetime. They have seen the results of divorce in the lives of their parents, and that is not what they desire. Making a wise decision about whom you marry is the first step in having a lifelong, satisfying marriage.

What about your relationship?

Are and your partner being truthful with each other about our sexual histories? (Are you far enough along in the relationship to feel comfortable talking about this?) To what degree are you discussing your opinions about sexuality?

It's not automatic!

Dr. Gary Chapman — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 07:44:16 -0700

Exposure to the Truth

Dr. Gary Chapman — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 07:37:25 -0700