marriage

To the Single and Childless Among Us

Abbie Smith — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:39:53 -0800

He slipped his way into my morning coffee, and accidentally, he said, proceeded to spill onto pages of my morning reading. Walk. And now work.

The non-mom-voice keeps taunting me. He did this when I was single, too. Idiot.

Why don't you have babies yet? You've been married over a year.
Your clock is ticking. Your womb is wasting away.

At first I tried to ignore it, but somehow that only created deeper and more persistent taunts.

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with your body?
Everyone else is. And is wondering why you're not.

Feeling David-sized in my voice, up against a Goliath-sized pack of lies, I decided to attempt a response.

You are wrong. Your taunts and arguments are wrong. You clearly do not know my God.

Teary and uncomposed, I continued.

You don't understand my God.
His daughters are given a different womb.
A womb about a Kingdom.

If God should ever give me a child who calls me mommy, I shall be terrifically grateful.
But if He doesn't, there are multiple other means by which He's positioned my practice of motherhood.
Multiple others ways my God reconciles children to His own perfect mothering.

Like letting me tell children how treasured they are, fostering life and a story worth living.
Letting me share with the younger what is pure and what is true.

My womb is far bigger than you are fathoming.
My womanhood is part of a far bigger story.

As a woman, I've been asked to dream with the broken, and disciple hope and a future into the flock behind.
As a womb-bearer, I've been given space to invite the hurting, and marriage to the bearer of life, freedom and healing.

And these are but the fringes.
These are but a taste of the astonishing roles for which my mothering heart has been created.
And for which l am terrifically grateful.

I haven't heard the non-mom-voice again today. But when I do, please remind me of these words.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today, Seargent Pepper Told the Band to Play

Derek Webster — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 05:29:04 -0800

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary.

I married at a beautiful 21 year old girl when I was just 19 and we are still married today. In Hollywood years, we're the equivalent of Methuselah. I've spent more than half my life hitched.

As I look back and reflect, I realize how incredibly blessed I am. I dated a lot of girls and had a completely different version of the "girl I'm going to marry" in my imagination at that time. I think I was aiming for combination of Julie Andrews and the girl from that "Cherry Pie" video...but in a Christian version.

What I wound up with was surprising and beyond my wildest imagination.

I married a girl who twenty years later still surprises and interests me. I married someone with whom we don't need kids or context to talk. (We know everything there is to know about the other person, and still enjoy each other's company). I married a beautiful girl who loves me. She's gives me unparalleled support, encouragement, and patience.

And twenty years later, I'd still do anything for her.

People ask what the secret is: how is it that we've been faithful to each other? How has our marriage thrived in spite of moving to different countries, having economic stresses (highs and lows), ministry, and our somewhat opposite personalities?

The answer is that we're very intentional about our relationship to God and to one another. When the Bible talks about "one flesh" it's not just talking sex, but in the context of marriage, it's about unity. Melissa and I hate drama as a form of "keeping the relationship alive". I know that some couples love drama in their relationship because they believe it keeps things interesting.

We don't.

Our life is plenty interesting without it.

Our energy is unified. It's not directed against the other. I also think that a key is Melissa and I aren't trying to "out-Christian" the other person. Each of us has our flaws and is in process. What we find in the other is support during that journey and not judgement for being in transition. And we're still attracted to the other person.

That's right: I still think she's hot. Hotter now, even, than she was when we met.

I guess what I'm really trying to write is that after twenty years, I'm more in love with my wife than ever before. Neither one of us is worried about losing our individual identities - we lost those years ago when we said, "I do." Instead, we've discovered that marriage has freed us to be the individuals and the couple God had in mind.

I look forward to the next twenty years, especially when I look back on the last twenty. I think we've got a head-start on making the next couple of decades even more special than the previous two. We know more. We're not as neurotic.

And besides that I'm really, really well trained.

Smile.

Happy Anniversary, Melissa! I love you.

The time of my life

Kristin Ritzau — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 11:16:01 -0700

Time is something we all have in common. We spend it constantly - more than money, emotions, or fuel. Some use it more wisely, while others throw caution to the wind, throwing it around like it is an inexhaustible resource.

My new year's resolution for 2011 was to let time be time -- to not arrive at the beginning of every month with a worried greeting of, "How in the heck did you get here?" The visitor of next month is one whose impending arrival I always anticipate, but it seems to become a more anxiety-filled journey as the year wanes on. It feels like sand just slipping through my tightened grip.

This resolution has probably been the only one I have every kept. As I was slightly caught off guard each month when March 28, July 30 or today rolled around, a gentle nudge caused me to pause and think, "Well, what did you expect? This is time; it's the same time amount you have been given every year and here we are on the precipice of November 2011. It's happened before; it will happen again." Okay. And I'm okay, I remind myself as I move through the hours before me.

I have spent my time as wisely as I could this year -- discerning, grieving, anticipating, receiving, planning and giving. This has been the cycle of my career, my marriage, my spiritual life and my garden. If time slowed -- or worse stopped -- there would be no growth in this cycle.

It never ceases to amaze me what happens in the changing of seasons. Our winter garden is in the ground now waiting to see daylight. Every time I sow a seed, I can't wait to see the growth. This morning I found tiny pea shoots emerging from their organic homes. I have no idea if they will grow to produce food, but I welcomed them with a joyful shower of water -- hoping for the best.

Meanwhile, across the yard, I look at the last lonely dying pumpkin vine. I accidentally snapped the final pumpkin off as I was examining it before it was completely ripe. My heart sank as its long journey came to an abrupt and careless end by me.

I rushed it over to the porch hoping a warm sunny resting spot would serve as veggie ICU. I'm hoping for the best with this one too, but only time will tell.

Time. We never know the story it holds until it is lived out. So I'm tempted to keep this resolution, not just for 2012, but throughout my life. Because I never want to stop being surprised by a new seed sprouting whether it is in the ground or my heart.

The newness of each dawn may come to break my heart, just as an under-ripe pumpkin. But time does heal, not with its distance, but with opportunity. The opportunity to live out each day carried in an organic community made up of organic relationships and matter. That is humanity -- there are no guarantees, only the hard work and preciousness of authentic connection. The kind of connection I get when I wake up early to water the seeds. The kinds of relationship built when you meet friends for lunch when it's not convenient, but necessary. The gift of bundles of tiny little moments that make up having the time of my life.

Can God Use an Internet Dating Website to Find You a Spouse?

Caroline Ferdinandsen — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:34:28 -0700

Dumb question.

If the God of creation--the great Hebrew Yahweh who transcends time and eternity--can redeem my immortal soul from sin, I’m sure he can arrange for you to find a mate from the privacy of your own bedroom while you’re dressed in your 1996 sweat pants.

Surely he can.

But does He?

In order to find out, I might need to examine the issue a bit more. If I were to follow the injudicious punctuation of actual Christian dating sites (It’s fast, fun, and FREE! . . . God’s will is waiting!!! . . . At Christian Date we believe in love before money!), I would surely discover that the ratio of members to actual hook-ups corresponds to the number of exclamation marks in their marketing campaigns. But I don’t think God cares much about punctuation.

I also know that with names like Big Church, Christian Soulmates, and Singles of Faith, these sites are expanding faster than Cupid’s quiver. Nearly everyone I know has had some connection to a couple who met online: a family member, close friend, a widow, a divorced colleague--you name it. The stages of internet dating are well-documented by now and they move something like this:

1. Internet dating is for losers. There’s no way I’ll ever sign up.

2. But just out of curiosity, I’ll Google the words: Christian. Dating. Internet.

3. Who ARE these people? This is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen (return to Stage #1).

4. I read that 21% of all couples who married in 2010 met online. Let me try again.

5. Six profiles pique my interest (plus, I cried all weekend). All right. I’m getting out my credit card.

Before you know it, you and legions of others are finding love (and other things) across denominational barriers, and sometimes across state lines. Long phone conversations, both philosophical and flirty, are taking place, followed by new haircuts and awkward meetings, until somehow “God’s will” has occurred, culminating in a serious relationship.

In between kissing, one might wonder “Did God have something to do with this, or did I force this to this happen with the help of Satan’s agent, the internet?”

I have lived long enough to realize two things with great certainty, one of which is clearly supported from the Biblical record: First, God is ultimately in charge. Second, I have no idea how he does it.

So if you want to speculate about how and why things happen, you can unravel the yarn of your knitted life as long as you want and you will never figure out how God’s sovereign will has designed the scarf. He has used camels, chance meetings, sailing ships, pushy mothers, and Adam’s rib to create love connections. It doesn’t much matter the method. But what you can examine, however, is whether your own decisions are wise and judicious, and whether you, as a follower of Jesus Christ, pursue the principles of love, holiness, purity, and faith in your dealings with others.

In light of this, rather than answer my title question as though I know for sure, here are a few things I might offer instead:

1. We are not to lie about ourselves in order to create an aura of desirability that might not exist for some partners. Dishonesty may be natural but it is not God-honoring. Two people who misrepresent themselves will, at some point, be discovered.

2. Loneliness by itself is not a mandate to find a spouse. Our culture’s default cure for being lonely is hooking up. God’s way of addressing our deepest need is much more multi-layered, much more satisfying, but it requires obedience and humility and whole lot of time, especially if we are healing from a previous betrayal.

3. One’s sexuality exists apart from having a spouse. Christian teaching is notoriously bad in this regard: Hey, you’re not a sexual person until you’re lucky enough to get a wedding night! Human sexuality is not limited by sexual acts themselves. You may go years without a romantic partner, but your masculine (or feminine) traits that God created are part of your very identity. Don’t suppress this.

4. Internet romances often exist in strange bubbles of time and space. For a relationship to thrive, it must breathe the same air as your ordinary life. A romantic alliance that takes place apart from your other friendships, family loyalties, and church body is one that is more imaginary than real. God-sanctioned relationships don’t operate well in secret places.

5. Whatever method God uses to bring one’s relationship to life is not necessarily the method that God will use for someone else. Ignore the rantings of other people who insist they know God’s mind for you. And while you’re at it, don’t judge others’ successes and failures through the lens of your own experience. No relationship bends to the expectations of best friends, grandmothers, sisters, and romantic comedies. God weaves his grace into our lives with often mysterious timing.

Does God use the internet to negotiate our marriages? I have no doubt. But rather than praying for ten eligible profiles, we would do better to ask for discernment and spiritual maturity. These will serve us far better.

Golden Anniversaries, Tarnished Divorces, and the Stuff In Between: Is God in All of It?

Caroline Ferdinandsen — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 08:13:22 -0700

Some families function like a slick ad campaign for successful Christian marriages: their histories boast the blessings of longevity and faithfulness. Other families are so speckled with dirt and dysfunction that God is nowhere to be found. But if you’re like me, you might find yourself surrounded by both.

I wish my family could have stuck with one story; it would make my theology so much simpler. If my Christian ancestors were twenty couples deep in 50+ years of happiness, then I could claim God’s promises to be true: that godly people are always blessed with strong, impenetrable marriages. Likewise, if my family boasted nothing but broken, banged-up fairytales, then I could claim without much opposition that the Bible’s mandates were nothing but an idealistic dream.

But here I am this summer with multiple narratives in my head, none of them showing the kind of cause-and-effect I had expected as a child.

I’ll be specific.

In my family of five (two parents, three daughters--one an adopted cousin), we have faced a wide range of marriage scenarios: a quickly-broken “starter marriage,” a 50th wedding anniversary, the tragic death of both husband and wife, a 20-year second marriage, a painful divorce after 17 years, and a 27-year first marriage. Our love for Jesus has been consistent; the blessing/happiness quotient has not. So what’s up with that?

The longer you live, the more marital success seems like a game of chance. Good people sometimes spin out. Faithful Christians sometimes get screwed to the wall. Praying, faithful wives are sometimes blessed with praying, faithful husbands. Sometimes good marriages are perpetually blessed with money; other times not. Sometimes lousy spouses leave and still get undeserved second chances. Where’s the consistent algorithm? Do I teach my daughters to cross their fingers and simply hope for the best? Do I tell my young son that it might not matter what he does, that he might follow all the rules and still find himself with a broken covenant?

But this is human thinking which I’m very good at it. I’m not so good at understanding a sovereign God.

What I really want to know is not simply whether my husband and I will make it to fifty years and beyond, but whether my free will has much say in the matter. If my husband and I have a rock solid marriage, but one of us succumbs to cancer, then we will not reach fifty years of marriage no matter how hard I’ve worked to “do my part.” If my father chooses faithfulness and my mother leaves his bed for another man’s, then no matter how hard he worked for the reward of a blessed marriage, his free will will be thwarted. On the other hand, maybe they will reach a fifty year milestone. How can we know?

To enter into marriage is to assume that two lives will run in parallel lines throughout life. A bride and groom might recognize that a covenant can break, but they feel in their souls that their covenant never will. Why? Because they believe they are in charge of their destiny.

Are they? When I celebrate my parents’ phenomenal fifty year milestone, where does the credit lie? Is it with their hard work and faithfulness alone--or is it from God’s blessing alone (in which case that must mean that all the people who didn’t make it to fifty aren’t God’s favorites)?

The Bible speaks of both man’s hard work and God’s divine control, a paradox that many thinkers and scholars have tried to explain. I am wrestling with these issues anew because this summer has funneled four divergent life events into one small month: 1) a twenty-year anniversary, 2) a sister’s post-divorce engagement, 3) a couple facing a wife’s cancer diagnosis, 4). a fiftieth wedding anniversary

If I were simply going by appearances, I might say that God is celebrating the two anniversaries, merely tolerating the second marriage, and punishing the cancer victim. However, that assumes a rigid connection between appearance and reality. Columnist Andree Seu in her article “Living in the Middle” claims that “the slowness of things in nature--and in the supernatural--makes for strange earthly phenomena.” In other words, current circumstances don’t always reflect the longer truth. You might think things look dandy today, but under the surface, your selfishness is creating decay that might only show up years from now. On the other hand, your cancer, your tragedies, your loneliness is merely a “middle,” as Seu claims, with the beauty of eternal redemption often lying right beyond the horizon.

In short, I’m realizing that both the timeless sovereignty of God and the earthbound responsibility of his children move beyond what is seen. I can’t determine whether God will provide longevity, wealth, health, or a spouse’s faithfulness, but I can choose worship, service, submission to God, and self-sacrifice. One is not dependent on the other, as I see it. God calls me to do certain things, to BE certain things, no matter what the earth around me is doing. If your marriage partner is pursuing the same thing, then this is great news. But if death, betrayal, or poverty strikes, the long truth of God’s promises are still working inside of you, even if they are shrouded for the moment.

My extended family will never be a Christian ad campaign because no one would buy our brand of marriage. We are banged up, broken in places, glossy in others. Inconsistent. Rough on the edges. Yet marriages aren’t retail products to buy. They are covenants made between imperfect people in a largely hidden narrative whose main character is God himself and not (gasp!) me. As a follower of Christ, I can only trust in the beginning and end, if not always the middle.

I've Got Mono: The Challenges and Beauty of Monogamy

Richard Dahlstrom — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 09:36:45 -0700

The New Times published an article recently positing that infidelity was, for some marriages, just the right ingredient needed to keep a marriage strong. The advocate for this lifestyle is none other than Seattle's own Dan Savage, of "Savage Love", Stranger fame. At first blush (pun intended), the article appears not to be worth the time to read. Who cares about some guy's theory that married couples would be happier in some cases if infidelity was an accepted part of the marriage package? But a real reading revealed both the thoughtfulness behind his argument, and the subtleties of deception that run terribly deep in waters of our culture.

Savage readily acknowledges the advantages of monogamy, but adds that there are drawbacks, as he points out when he says, "people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted". To battle these dangers, Savage is an advocate for what he calls the 3 G's: "lovers out to be good, giving, and game" (skillfully lovers, generous lovers, lovers willing to try new things). It's that third one that's the sticking point for Savage, and he says that when lovers reach an impasse where one party has sexual desires that the other is unwilling to fulfill, it might be best to set them free, to let them go off and find the experience they're looking for. This, Savage says, can keep the love alive in the relationship. The infidelity, in other words, can be a good thing if all parties agree.

If you read my stuff regularly, you know that I read widely, including forays into "The Stranger", the "NY Times", "Fox News", and more. I do this because I believe, strongly, that Christ followers aren't called to separation from the world, but are called to live with discernment right in the midst of the world. If our world is considering non-monogamy as a way to save marriage, I want to know about, discerning what's true in the midst of the proposal, and what's not. So here we go:

What's True - I like that Savage is ultimately concerned with sustaining monogamous relationships. He's an interesting character because he's this funky blend of traditional values that find their origin in who God has made us to be (monogamous) and the values of what the Bible calls "the flesh" or "the sin nature" (depending on your translation). But more of that later. It's interesting too that Savage isn't just trying to keep people living under the same roof. He wants people to be genuinely in love - to avoid the traps of boredom, lack of variety, and sexual death that are often the reality in monogamous relationships; a couple living together for 50 years doesn't constitute success in Savage's book. There's supposed to be real love. Does anyone want to argue with him on that? I don't either.

Let's acknowledge that when the Bible talks about the ideal for marriage, whether it's the vision cast in Genesis 2, or Paul's lofty vision in Ephesians 5 (sacrificial love, service, openness and vulnerability, trust) God's vision is that there be a body/soul/spirit union that's still throbbing with passion as people grow older. Let's not forget Paul's liberating advice in I Corinthians 7 when talking about sexuality: "do not deprive one another" (except by mutual agreement for prayer, which means that you don't withhold sex, using it as a tool for power in the marriage). All of this seems to envision what Savage sees as the ultimate goal, which is a healthy union between two people!

What's Not True - Ah, but the devil is in the details. When Savage posits that a "more perfect union" can be realized by allowing one's partner to fulfill his/her fantasies with some outside party, he's dumped a boatload of lies into ocean, polluting the waters of our thoughts and making infidelity appear, just possibly, to be a healthy part of normal marriage - not for everyone of course, but for some. This plays well (the article was the number 1 e-mailed article in the NY Times for a portion of last week), and is reinforced in books about open marriage, and even in the recent book: "Pre-Marital Sex in America" which reveals the data on how young people are hooking up, a cultural reality among singles that surely prepares the soil for the "non-monogomy" of Savage's marital ethic.

Nope. There are a boatload of reasons why we mustn't go down that road, but let's just address the biggest one:

God's Heart for Monogamy: When Jesus talks about marriage he always goes back to Genesis two at the reference point;always. This means that, though there are accomodations made in the Bible for divorce and polygamy, they're clearly never seen as the ideal. Further, God makes no provision whatsoever for infidelity. Is there grace? Of course, for repentant hearts that see their sin. But Savage leads us into dangers waters when he sees it, not as seen, but as a prescription to marital health. The ideal is always monogamy - saturated with real love.

This notion had fallen on hard times, even during the days of Jesus; so much so that that when he articulates radical monogamy in Matthew 19, the disciples said, "if such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." Yes, it's hard. But it's the vision, and Savage is plunging a knife right into the heart of it. I had to say something!

: still crazy...in love..after all these years

OK. God's for monogamy. But here's an important thing to say as this winds to a close. God isn't just interested in monogamy.Ultimately, God is interested in love and intimacy. So, if I'm going to be committed to monogamy AND intimacy, this will take me down a road that will strip my soul bare, revealing my vulnerability and fear, exposing my pain and anger, demanding my deepest honesty. In other words:

1. I'll need to be honest with my partner about my sexual struggles, longings, and failures. And I'll need to be a safe place for my partner to be honest.

2. I'll need to work, really work hard, at fanning the flames of love. There are endless forces working against intimacy in our culture, but they needn't win. It's just that I need to recognize those forces and swim upstream against them.

3. I'll need to recognize the difference between sex and food. I Corinthians 6 explains how food and sex are different. I've taught on this many times with students, explaining that, for the Corinthians, sexuality was viewed as an appetite, just like food. When you're hungry you eat. When you want sex... you find it, by any means possible. But Paul explains that sex isn't an appetite in the same way as food, explains that self-denial of our primal urges, far from killing us, will actually make us stronger. Why? We'll be forced to find satisfaction, joy, and meaning, in other ways when sexual expression isn't open to us. We'll need to play music, work in the garden, enjoy good conversation, or good sunsets, or good food.

There's much more to say... but coming from one who's been monogamous AND is still passionately in love, it's important gain a vision for both: monogamy and passionate love: two ingredients which, together, will form a mighty strong, joy infused bond!

How can the church do a better a job of instilling the values of monogamy and passionate love?

If you like this article - please forward it via twitter, or facebook. Thanks!

Does Your Marriage Matter?

Adam Stadtmiller — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 17:05:43 -0700

Almost twenty-three years ago, my friend Torry pulled me out of a Tijuana gutter. It would be the last gutter I would lay in. The next day was the first in a continuing two-decade journey into my sobriety. I spent that final night of intoxication sleeping at Torry’s parents. It was a place I had been inebriated many times before.

Even as a self-focused, addicted teen, I knew something was different about Dick and Connie’s place. Whenever there, my life seemed to find more ballast. There was just something about the spirit of their home. There was something special about them together.

More then anything, when I was there, I knew I was accepted. Conversations were never started with an ulterior motive. They never preached at me. Instead, they just invited me into their home.

Don’t get me wrong. It was obvious they loved Jesus. Dick was an oak of a man, firmly rooted in the word of God; Connie always busy doing some Bible Study Fellowship lesson while worship music resounded from the kitchen like muzak at TJ Maxx.

Looking back, I can see that their marriage, their absolute way of being together, acted as a megaphone to me of what a marriage could look like in a culture short on commitment and love. I was being discipled without knowing it. It was a marriage that mattered.

I remember Dick once saying that he disliked the passage about not being married once getting to heaven—unable to imagine an eternity away from Connie’s side. They were the bible’s epitome of one flesh.

Last week I got a text telling me that Connie had lost her battle with cancer. The first thing I did was think, “What is Dick going to do?” Then I thought about my own wife, knowing that this day would eventually come to our shores as well.

What I realized is that like Dick and Connie, Karie and my marriage has an opportunity. We have an opportunity to present to our girls, their friends and this world, what a marriage that matters looks like—a marriage that reaches beyond its own happiness. Dick and Connie had that kind of marriage and because of it, mine is eternally grateful.

One Flesh: Committing For Life

Adam Stadtmiller — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 14:58:23 -0700

Seven years ago, my wife and I were struggling. Things were dark and getting darker. The dance we had created during the first ten years of our relationship was no longer working.

Things were magnified by the fact that we had just begun our life as missionaries in Australia. Ministry was thriving. Everyone was counting on us. That was part of the problem.

That's when my wife hit me with one of the hardest, yet most life giving statements I have ever heard. It is in large part what saved our marriage. Karie said this, “You are my soul mate. You are the man I have committed my life to, I’m just not sure I can live with you.” And with that, Karie began to pack her and Lily our two-year-old for home.

The thirty days I spent closing up shop in Australia were some of the loneliest of my life. They were days filled with focusing on the wounds of Christ, knowing only they could heal us—my tricks and manipulations no longer working.

Karie’s statement helped save our marriage in that she reassured me that she was not going anywhere. She wanted it to work, she had committed her life to making it work. Still, she needed space—she needed room to breath. So did I.

My wife’s willingness to remain single for life is one of the Godliest things I have ever seen a woman commit to. It was a commitment to suffering for the sake of a vow, for the sake of Christ. This type of commitment swims upstream in a culture where commitment and vow are tossed about like chaff for the next opportunity at greater happiness.

For Karie, one flesh meant one flesh forever. Our story tells me that this extreme commitment is one of the foundations of the marriage we have partnered with God in creating. His grace has surely been sufficient.

(Photo used with permission from: Salvatore Vuono)

A Distinctly Christian Marriage

Rick Bundschuh — Wed, 25 May 2011 10:21:32 -0700

It’s almost June, the month where Bridal magazines fly off the shelf and thousands will show up on our shores, a few friends in tow to have their long dreamed of wedding on the beach in.

I could make a lot of money just by performing wedding ceremonies for these people. After all, I live near the major tourist destination on Kauai and the inherent romantic beauty of the place begs to be enfolded into vows.

In fact, in the twenty years I have been performing weddings (that, I ask no fee for I might add) I have only done two inside of a church building, all the rest were on the beach or in some lush outside location.

To get into the economic gush all I would need to do is to make sure that I was on the list of the hotels and wedding planners, set a “price of paradise” going rate and ba-boom! my kid’s college tuitions would be paid for.

But I haven’t and won’t be doing that.

Here’s why.

By going this route I would be obligated to marry anyone who wants to get married and has filled out the appropriate legal paperwork. This was a problem for me even before civil unions and gay marriage became another more troubling component.

I don’t want to be responsible for pronouncing a blessing on some of these clearly shaky couplings. I don’t want to be told that the couple would rather I did not bring God into the vows. I don’t want to be leveraged into being part of the marriage business and to start thinking of making money out of what ought to be a holy privilege.

I feel this way as do the rest of our staff who are licensed by the State of Hawaii to perform marriage ceremonies. (None of us asks for money for our services)

I do know some solid Christian Pastors who are very, very busy doing these kind factory weddings. They see spiritual opportunities where I see conflict and make it a point to share Christ with each couple they are asked to marry, and of course it helps them to make up for the paltry salary they often receive as a Pastor.

But the times they are a’changing and like frogs in a kettle, the heat is turned up so gradually that we may cook in our complacency.

And right about now I am having a bout of draconian thinking

I am now contemplating a not too distant future where I will turn in my State license and only do underground Christian weddings.

C.S. Lewis first prompted my thoughts on this many years ago when I first read Mere Christianity.

Lewis said “There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, and other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man know which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not.”

I read recently of a wedding photographer who turned down doing a wedding of a gay couple and was prosecuted for his refusal by the State he lived in.

A portent? I think yes.

It may be just getting nutty enough out there that we must do exactly what C.S. Lewis suggested over 60 years ago – make the “sharp” distinction between a Christian marriage and a State marriage.

Naturally this raises all kinds of questions. Would a Christian even need to bother with being married in the eyes of the State? What would be the benefits and penalties? Would Pastors who repudiated State licensing be required to call their ceremonies something other than marriages? Would the Church really be willing to enforce the spiritual rules of marriage on their members?

None of the answers are easy to figure out at this junction, but perhaps it is time to do some hard thinking as the water in the marriage kettle is coming to a boil and this frog, for one is thinking of hopping out rather than being lulled into the dangerous temperature of the culture.

Lash Me to the Mast

Rick Bundschuh — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 21:29:26 -0700

I just watched another marriage blow into pieces. Kids are involved, and I fear that they are at the age where the shrapnel from the explosion in their world will do the most damage.

There was no good reason for the pin to be pulled but pulled it was and the party wanting out of the marriage made sure to do so in a very strident and bloody fashion.

And I know what happens now: craziness.

The abandoned spouse, now temporarily stunned, sooner or later will feel the full weight of remorse, anger, guilt, mourning, emptiness, imbalance, fear and loneliness. The one who pulled the pin will at first feel euphoria mixed with guilt to be followed later by blame, loathing, anger mostly directed toward others.

Emotions will be raw, the hurt palpable, understood only by those who have experienced them.

Then the sirens will call.

Sometimes they will show themselves, appearing as a soft good smelling woman or a rugged confident man. “How could anyone do that to you? You didn’t deserve to be treated that way” they will sing, “You’re special, you’re lovely, you’re wonderful” they will purr to the heart in pain.

And that’s all it will take, overboard they will dive – to hell with the kids, their horrified friends, the Lord or anything else.

Or the sirens may simply offer the smooth melody of medication or escape. In some cases they just offer a bewitching but sour song of rage or revenge.

But the result is the same, a rough landing on the rocks and reef followed by more misery.

Of course it doesn’t take a divorce to hear the siren’s call. Some hear it when the computer warms up, the digital goddesses inviting a private harmless peek at their delights. Some hear their song when the opportunity to defeat an opponent or get a leg up on someone is presented to them. For some the song comes with chance for power or increasing wealth, status or prestige.

The honest truth is that there is not a one of us who at some point in our journey will not hear that absolutely beautiful voice calling us to our ruin and be helpless to prevent it.

And that is the important thing old Odysseus understood; he did not have the ability within himself to resist their call and he would need help from his shipmates, their ears deaf to the sirens, to lash him to mast for his own safety.

I like that imagery. I like it because I think it is an honest statement about me…and quite frankly you. There are songs so beguiling that without the help of my brothers, will send me into the deep. I need them to lash me to the mast and to ignore my pleading to loosen my binds until the danger has passed. And I know that I will need to do the same for them around some curve in life.

No wonder we are told to “confess our sins to one another.”