Negotiating with the Excessive In-Laws at Christmas

Kristen Howerton — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 15:56:13 -0800

My kids have excessive grandparents. And aunts. There, I said it.

I know I am not alone. It seemed like this was a huge conversation amongst my friends last year, as many of us were taking part in the Advent Consiracy and not wanting our new outlook on Christmas to be thwarted by twenty plastic toys from grandparents on Christmas morning. I had some friends who were really upset that their parents or in-laws were reluctant to jump on the "minimal gifts" bandwagon. A toned-down Christmas, in terms of gifts, was a tension point for many families, including my own.

As a family therapist, I gave a lot of thought to this dilemma. More recently, I had someone ask for my advice directly. This was my answer:

We've had a similar conflict with the consumerism of the season (and all it represents) so I really understand the conflict. The difficulty is that your parents and in-laws may not share your same vision. As excessive as they may seem and as passionate as you probably feel, setting limitations or rules for how family members celebrate the holidays can be problematic.

First, it puts you in a position of dictating your own values onto someone else, who may or may not share in your views. Trying to get someone to comply to your own moral discoveries can feel like judgment to the other party and lead to tension and hurt feelings.

The other issue is that for some, gift-giving is as essential to the Christmas tradition as eating turkey is to Thanksgiving. To ask someone to refrain from giving to loved ones in this season may feel for them like you are stealing a part of the holiday joy. This is especially true if gift-giving is a part of their love language.

It can be easier to be flexible with traditions as a young family, but your parents have had many years of establishing the Christmas traditions that feel meaningful for them. And likely, gift-giving is a part of the holiday ritual that they have created over the years.

My advice would be to relate your concerns directly, but then respect where they are. If the excessive toys are a problem for your home, you can always work out an agreement with your kids that for every new toy acquired, an old toy must be given away. You can enforce this even on Christmas morning and take the toys they give away to Goodwill or a local shelter.

You could also brainstorm with your parents and in-laws to see if there might be a service project where some of this energy could be re-directed. The Salvation Army has a great program that pairs individuals up with families in need. You could also ask your parents if they would be willing to limit the gifts to items that are fair-trade, educational, or that give back to other causes. Orange-County based Kauzbots are a great example of a toy with a purpose.

I hear your fears that the Christmas toys might spoil your children but I promise, an excessive Christmas once a year will not create a lifetime of entitlement issues. It sounds like you are already doing the hard work of teaching generosity to your kids, and it is the everyday actions and modeling they get from you that will form their character over the long-term.

What are your thoughts on this? I know my stance might be surprising because I really do hate the “isms” of the holiday season (consumerism, materialism, etc). But, much as I dislike it, I realize that others are entitled to celebrate differently.

How do you negotiate gift-giving at the holidays? How do you communicate that with your in-laws?

The Thing that Will Destroy the Evangelical Church

Cara Davis — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:55:38 -0800

“The thing that will destroy the Evangelical Church in the next 25 years, and it will, is the decision to be comfortable with our consumerist society. We are raising our children to be consumers, not people who are concerned about the will of God in this world.” – Dr. Tony Campolo from Lord, Save Us From Your Followers

Have you checked out Advent Conspiracy, an international movement restoring the scandal of Christmas by substituting compassion for consumption? http://www.adventconspiracy.org.

advent conspiracy

Negotiating with the Excessive In-Laws at Christmas

The Thing that Will Destroy the Evangelical Church