A Case for Marriage

Richard Dahlstrom — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 09:46:55 -0800

I’d like to spend a few words building the case for marriage, because this institution, like all institutions (it seems) is increasingly regarded with both suspicion and cynicism by younger generations. For this reason an increasing number (of both Christ followers and the general populace) are forsaking marriage, choosing instead to simply live together.

I understand the cynicism, but disagree with conclusion. The cynicism makes sense because people are looking for something more substantive than some sort of ‘legally binding’ arrangement. If that’s all a couple has, and they stay together for propriety, or reputation, perhaps even ‘for the children’, then they enflame the notion that marriage is meaningless. After all, when a couple stands before God and their friends to make a vow, they don’t promise to live together; they promise to love each other through all the seasons life – and let me tell you, the latter is much harder than the former.

My wife and I have been married thirty years, and I don’t think I’m speaking presumptuously in declaring that we love each other deeply. We’ve built a storehouse of adventures, laughter, child-raising, and braving challenges together. Each of these marvelous moments seems to add a brick to the solidarity of our marriage, and each brick makes the notion of walking away from our commitment to love, all the more difficult.

God knows, though, there are moments when we’ve both wanted to walk away. Between us, we know all the tricks – stony silence, careless disregard, hurtful words, manipulation, a fear of truth or confrontation that leads to perhaps the worst thing of all: the pleasantness of relational death. We’ve never strayed very long into any of these arenas, falling in unwittingly, and then crawling out – but we’ve been there, and when one or the other of us is there, the grass suddenly looks greener elsewhere. After all, we’re both competent and capable individuals, right?

I’ve a feeling we’re not alone in this. But, in spite of the fact that our eyes have looked longingly at freedom once in a blue moon (ok, maybe twice), staying in the arena of working on the promises we made has always been the obvious choice. And because of this, the bricks have continued to accumulate, until we’ve now, not a wall with a marriage contract tacked on to it; but a home of love and gratitude.

There are many reasons we chose to stick with the vows, but one of them is pretty simple: We made a vow – and we made it before God, our friends, and our family. It carried a weight for us (as I both believe and teach that it should for anyone who makes it), and this weight has always been lurking in the background. But recall, as we have, that our vow wasn’t a commitment to stay together – it was a commitment to love each other. Choosing to simply stay together, without comitting to the hard work of learning to love does two things: 1) It displays our obsession with appearances and our desire to please people, both of which lead to the charges of hypocrisy in the Christian community. 2) It helps create the disillusionment that leads young adults to avoid marriage completely, opting instead for ‘authenticity’. That marriage and authenticity are thus juxtaposed reveals how wrong headed we’ve become.

The value is found in declaring a commitment to love one another. Sometimes love might call for consequences, such as temporary separation or intervention. But always, love is working for the good of the other, and the union, rather than retreating into a cage of selfishness in order to preserve one’s own fragile and wounded ego. But beneath it all, there’s a commitment to love that was public, personal, and had the effect of creating a sense of accountability

Ironically it’s that sense of accountability that is largely missing in the generation that’s must hungry for authentic intimacy. Intimacy without accountability is a mirage, and boatloads of heartache and woundedness are waiting for those who try to create it. Better to keep the accountability ingredient in the mix; and how is that done?

Simple: marriage.

I welcome your thoughts.

Are You a Wedding Cynic?

Caroline Ferdinandsen — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:41:33 -0700

Don’t attend a wedding with a cynic. It’ll be no fun at all.

Weddings, like rock salt on a slug, leave some people dried out on the sidewalk. For every attendee weepy and sentimental at the sight of a sacred covenant, another guest is raging against the machine—that botched up, burnt out, old school institution known as the American marriage.

Someone doesn’t become a cynic overnight. It happens in layers, year after year, as one’s life experiences begin to outnumber the perceived myths. Domestic violence, a set of affectionless parents, a personal betrayal, or one’s own moral failures can add a layer. If you combine lots of these over time—or if your own love story recently tanked—then sitting through a wedding ceremony for some people can have all the emotional poignancy of C-SPAN.

Do Christians ever become wedding cynics? You bet. They’re not supposed to, of course. Christian weddings are supposed to feel sacred and rapturous by their very nature (the feeling carries over into the booze-free reception, right?). But for many people, weddings intensify so many feelings—feelings of failure, sadness, skepticism, anger, and even lust—that the experience can leave them empty and depressed. So does that mean that marriage is just a big old sham?

It’s the classic example of perception = reality. One fifty year-old watches a young couple exchange vows and thinks to himself: What a shock they’re going to get—those idealistic fools. Enjoy the party, ‘cause it’s all downhill from here.” Another observes the moment and feels the joy rise in his throat: What a tender beginning. If they only knew how beautifully love grows over time . . . For some, a wedding represents a relationship’s summit (a very, very expensive summit) before the inevitable decline, and others see it as base camp before the slow, satisfying ascent into purified air. How can marriage really be both? Is the filter we personally bring to marriage really the thing that defines it?

There is good news. If you believe the Bible, then marriage, as an institution, is never in danger. Its mysteries are enduring and fixed; its beauty capable of withstanding great violence from the outside. Our sulking and pouting cannot abuse it, reduce it, offend it, or ruin it. Our infidelities and self-absorption do not redefine it, destroy it, or trivialize it. Your own marriage may fail, but God’s covenant mystery of “becoming one flesh” endures. That may make you whiny and bitter at the next ceremony, but you have no power to change the fundamental mystery of God’s love-prototype.

Two couples have recently sparked my interest in the institution of marriage. I’m guessing neither one has placed their trust in Jesus Christ, but I can’t be sure. My reaction to their ceremonies has made me wonder whether the intrinsic joy of marriage transcends even our sacred Christian ceremonies. The first is a professional couple who decided that rather than spend the equivalent of a small country’s GNP on a big, flashy ceremony that would create hardship for many out-of-towners, opted for one of the most creative wedding ideas I’ve heard in a long time. In a six-week-long “wedding”, the couple road-tripped across the country, visiting all their loved ones along the way with the goal of interviewing someone about marriage in every city. Think of it as the longest pre-marital counseling session ever. Both they—and their hosts—saved the money they would’ve spent on each other at the wedding, while multiplying the quality time spent with family and friends (after all, those receiving lines at most receptions are the relational equivalent of speed dating). At the end of it all? They pulled up to a beach in California and threw a party with their intimate circle of guests before exchanging their final vows. The cost? A small fraction of the average American wedding. (The couple has recorded their journey here).

Another couple created an internet sensation with their joyful, don’t-hold-back wedding entrance. In case you haven’t seen it, check it out. Rather than fussing over the merits of Christian tradition versus creativity, I dare you to watch their joy and still be a cynic.

No matter what we do to marriage, let’s not be relativists and say that it’s all a matter of perception. There is a rapturous joy to what God has designed despite our personal histories.

Now I usually like my essays to have some effective closure, but because I’m feeling a little open-ended, here’s my exit question: Is God—whom the Bible teaches designed marriage in the first place—present in every marriage? Or does he only show up at weddings where he’s invited to the ceremony?

marriage cynicism

A Case for Marriage

Are You a Wedding Cynic?