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Forgiveness seems to be one of those things that we all know is good, but many of us don’t know exactly what it means to forgive or to be forgiven. Jesus stresses the importance of forgiveness by connecting God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others in the Lord’s Prayer. An author by the name of R.T. Kendall wrote a book called Total Forgiveness, and in it he explains what forgiveness is and is not. According to Kendall when you forgive someone you do not: Approve of what they did Excuse what they did Justify what they did Refuse to take the wrong seriously Pretend you are not hurt Pardon what they did (i.e., release them from consequences) Reconcile with them (they may be unwilling or unsafe) Deny what they did or blind yourself to what happened Forget what happened Instead, forgiveness is growing in the act of not holding things over people – of yielding one’s right to hurt (or punish) the other in return for what they did to us. Kendall says that we know we have actually forgiven someone when we honestly ask God to forgive the one(s) who hurt us and let them off the hook. When you forgive, you do not keep a record of what they did, you refuse to punish them, you don’t tell others what happened, you seek to be merciful, gracious and free of forgiveness. Or, to put it another way, forgiveness is setting someone free and finding out that someone was you! What do you think? |
Comments
I completely agree that forgiveness is a freeing experience for anyone that goes through it, but it is one of the hardest things to do. It wasn't until I experienced Jesus' forgiveness and amazing love that I was able to begin forgiving others.
I have one question though, how do you reconcile not forgetting what happened with keeping no record of wrongs?
"...forgiveness is growing in the act of not holding things over people."
I agree with that one line definition of forgiveness. I feel it captures what feelings (feelings that always seem to be hard to pinpoint) are tied along with actually forgiving someone.
Towards the end of the final paragraph it's stated that when you forgive someone you "refuse to punish them." This brings up a couple thoughts in my mind. First, it seems to imply that you may still want to punish them, but you have to temper that desire and refuse to actually do it. Does this jive with the feelings that are tied along with forgiveness? Second, it does seem that in God's case, many times we are punished for our sins, but it is always as an act of allowing us to learn from our sin...or to even bring the sin to our attention because we are that ignorant. When He does that, is it that we're not actually being punished for sins, or that it is something that will lead us to ask for forgiveness in the first place, or are we actually being punished for our sins?
And should forgiveness be immediate, even before they ask for forgiveness? So many questions....sorry.
Chris - this totally raises as many questions as it answers, I get it! As to your first question, forgiveness is both an act and a process. I may decide to forgive, but have to make that same choice several times. Secondly, you raise an interesting issue. It would take us into some great stuff - but I have to pass on answering for now...too many other things demanding time.
To JM: That is a great question. I am a scorekeeper - when I get hurt I keep a record and seek to even the score. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened (so that I, for instance, don't get hurt again), but it is refusing to keep score and make sure they get their just desserts...does that make sense?
I understand what Kendall is saying and deeply agree. I think the idea of forgiveness has led to many people being hurt over and over again. Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't protect yourself from being hurt. I think our definition has been polluted.
My question is simple clarification. When God forgives us does He forget what happened? After all we are pardoned from our sins, yet living in a world full of consequences. I was always taught that God doesn't remember our sins. "As far as East is from West"... or is that where our justification comes in and then it becomes a separate gift? Or is the definition of forgiveness different when it's in the context shifts to God forgiving us?
Go USC... can you forgive that?
Brad - my view is that justification "covers" sin so that it no longer exists...I also can forgive (but never, never forget) your choice in college football teams. :)
I'm there with you on this one. Miroslav Volf goes into a bunch of the same issues in his two books "Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace" and "Exclusion and Embrace." The one thing I would make sure and add to all of this is why this can be the case and why it ought to be the case, namely the Cross. The only thing that is strong enough to pry our heart away from the death-grip that anger, bitterness, and resentment can have on us is the Cross of Jesus Christ. The knowledge and experience of God's forgiveness of our sins is the one thing that can drive a wedge between us and our vengeful desires and our self-pitying bitterness. Only the bloody and broken grace of God can show us that it took far more for God to forgive us than for us to forgive those who've hurt us. Beyond that, in a world that cries out for justice, only the Cross makes forgiveness righteous. Only because I know that "vengeance is the Lord's" and that justice will be done, either in Jesus or later, am I free to not to feel like I have to take it myself.
More to say, but, yeah, I totally agree.
Derek - this was very well said. I have Volf's work on my "to read" list - I appreciate your comments...
If, in my heart, I have forgiven someone for something which I found hurtful to ME, why does it seem necessary to ask GOD to forgive that person and "let them off the hook"? I can think of lots of other things I might pray for, but that would not be one of them.
I like the one sentence which summarizes all the usless baggage one must carry around in lieu of the simple act of forgiveness--but then, I have always been a sort of "keep it simple, stupid" sort of girl!!
Rita - first of all, you have a great son. Secondly, asking God to forgive the person is (Kendall argues) a sign that you have truly forgiven them. He was not making it a requirement of the process...you rock...
Surely you meant two great sons!!
2 cents:
I once heard a pastor provide a great litmus test for whether you have forgiven someone. This isn't a definition, but a test:
Can you honestly say that you want the person who wronged you to be blessed?
If someone has wronged me and I secretly find joy in the fact that their dishwasher broke down or they got a speeding ticket, then have I really forgiven them?
Forgiveness must be rooted in love. Love is other-centered consideration. So, if someone owes you money: the consideration is not "they owe me, I deserve to get mine" but "what is their situation and how can I help them flourish as a human being?" and "how can I communicate grace, justice and love?"
The lotion of forgiveness, when placed over the wounds of injustice, set to ease the bitterness of soul.
Once, out of bitterness, I said nothing when a friend of mine had treated me wrongly because I wanted to see him corrupted as a person, I did not want to correct him and so see him change his ways...and in that bitterness I took pleasure.
Such a violent passivity cultivated far more corruption in my own heart than his. I had failed to forgive and so failed to truly live. Forgiveness is not silence amidst injustice, sometimes it is harsh rebuke, but it is always compassionate, loving and always opening the door for the possibility of reconciliation (not unconditionally seeking it).
Forgiveness is not staying around while he is beating you...if he's beating you, leave. Forgiveness is, while leaving, praying that God would heal him from his abusive habits and that God would forgive him for his corruption - it is to want to see his redemption.
That desire itself is the difficulty isn't it? For we find a hostile bitterness within our spirit naturally emerge against the other person when we have been wronged. We want to see the tables turn where we are in a position of power to "teach them a lesson." Yet, at the heart of Christ's message is a different kind of lesson to be taught. He teaches of a non-violent posture which absorbs wrongs done and courageously responds to such injustice with a grace that informs the situation, transforming it into a new relation.
Once upon a time a man and a woman at Yale Law School found themselves in a fierce competition with each other over the #1 ranking for their class. The man decided to sabotage the woman's study notes and so when the results of the test came out, the man was ranked #1 and the woman was much lower down the list. The woman later discovered what he had done. Ten years later, she had made partner at a highly competitive law firm in Newport Beach and he found himself having been unemployed for a few months, due to the economy's recession, and desperately in need of a job, applying (unknowingly) for a position at the same firm at which she was a partner. After three rounds of interviews, he found himself finally sitting before the very woman he had sabotaged long ago, though he did not recognize her at first. She did remember him, however, and asked him many questions about the law school he graduated from. At the end of the interview he noticed her diploma from Yale and then in the moment he realized who she was, she met his humiliation and fear with an open hand for a new position in the firm.
Forgiveness takes joy in blessing those who have wronged you; neither approving or excusing, justifying or refusing to acknowledge what happened, neither pretending it didn't happen or remaining silent, it is not forgetting or ignoring what happened, it is not even necessarily reconciling, but it is always open to reconciliation (if they are willing and it is safe). Reconciliation is conditional. Forgiveness is unconditional and open, it is always incompatible with retribution, hatred and vengeance. Forgiveness employs positions of power over those who have wronged us as an opportunity to heal old wounds and creatively transform the relationship. Forgiveness is always how love responds to suffered wrongs.
And for the Christian, we acknowledge that our forgiveness of others is not merely a virtue mustered from an ethical form of rugged individualism, but the transferring of a Divine Word spoken in our soul to this world. For me, personally, my capacity to forgive others is birthed from my awareness of my own depravity and offense to God. My guilt does not paralyze me in a despotic wallowing in shame but liberates my soul in the acknowledgment that how can I not forgive even the most atrocious wrong done to me, if God has forgiven me of infinitely greater wrongs done to him?
Those are just some unorganized thoughts...
Grace and Peace!
Sorry for the long response...
A fool's voice is known by a multitude of words. Eccl. 5:7
:-)
I am one that tends to like a 5 step plan on how to accomplish almost anything God has told us to do, be or look like. Forgiveness is no different. I have had abuses in my life that are very hard to forgive, I want to because I know in my heart that God forgives me but I just don't know the simple 5 step plan. If forgiveness is not forgetting, reconciling or pardoning then what is it? What am I doing each day when I am reminded of the offense by the enemy or myself, am I saying the "right" words; "I forgive them for -_______", or am I trying to make myself not think about it at all. Do I ask God to help me forgive them because I want to be obedient though I don't even know if I am doing it right! I read in a devotional from a Pastor friend of mine that stated you will know that you have forgiven when you are no longer hurting or in angst each time you think of that person. That made sense but what do I do to get to that point? Is it simply a choice followed by a discipline ritual of saying I forgave them over and over each day until the pain is gone? Is it a feeling?
I have been told that I try too hard to be.... to be anything I think God wants me to be, or what others want me to be never really knowing how to just let go and trust that I am loved, accepted as is... a hand crafted daughter of God made in His image to bring Him glory! Wow, I would love to read your blog on that one!
Ok, one more thing I just remembered. Maybe this is where the rubber meets the road. I am reminded of a boss I had several years ago who just didn't like me. She had her pet favorites and I was certainly not one of them. I was a newly divorced single parent working at a position I had never done before. This was an incredible blessing from God because this position paid well and had wonderful benefits for my daughter and I. It was difficult however along with all of the other stressers in my life due to my divorce; bankruptcy, moving, losing friends. a husband an accident and more. I sought the counsel of a friend from church who told me to start praying for her. I was appalled, are you serious I asked there were several other choice things I wanted to do and praying was not one of them. He told me to pray that God would bless her, not change her, hurt her or show her anything...just bless her.
I agreed and began to do it. This was not an easy task, I defiantely had a hard time, at first. As I began to pray God began to soften my heart towards her. He began to show me who she really was. I learned that she had to commute via three modes of transportation to get to work each day. I learned that she was caring for her adult disabled daughter who would never be able to care for herself. I learned that she really desired to work at a prominent University that was just a few miles from her home. So I prayed that God would open that door for her and and that He would speak to her heart and let her know exactly where that job came frome. She was let go from her position at the school where I worked and I let her know that I would be praying for her. When she left she would call all of her pets almost daily, I, however, never recieved a call until that one dpecial day I got to see God's amazing heart and answer to prayer. I was shocked to hear from her but answered the phone and she proceeded to tell me that she had gotten the job of her dreams at that university so close to her home. I told her that was awesome and I was so happy for her! She then told me that she had a strong impression to call me and let me know, then she said "thank you"! No, I said thank God! By praying for her God showed me who she really was and gave me His love and compassion for her. I guess I don't need a 5 step plan, a one step planned worked wonders!
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