The Christian Science Institute (CSI) shocked the world Tuesday when they announced that they have successfully cloned human beings, and have also perfected a way to pass on knowledge, experience and personality to the clones.

“The loss of some of our greatest pastors and Christian leaders concerned us,” said Ron Boldbee, head scientist at CSI.  “We looked around and realized that the young Christians who remained showed no evidence of stepping up and filling the gap.  Then we thought, ‘If the secular world can clone sheep, why can’t we clone some shepherds?’”

Boldbee points out that CSI has already introduced cloned pastors into several locations with little or no complaints.  Congregants at Bayside Baptist say they prefer their new, cloned pastor to their previous “natural” pastor.  “For once I don’t have to do any work,” said one congregant, on the condition of anonymity.  “Laypeople can finally let the clergy do everything without feeling guilty.  If our pastor burns out we can grow another one.”

A cloned pastor runs about 6 million dollars.  It costs extra to tailor fit clones to a specific congregation through genetic alterations.  Boldbee laughs about some of the requests CSI receives.  “We took one pastor and removed all his Bible jokes.  The congregation was thrilled.  No more comments about ‘the Roman soldier who slept on his watch’ being the smallest man in the Bible.  No more jokes about the disciples owning a Honda because ‘they were all in one Accord.’  It has really changed things for the better at their church.”

Renowned pastor and seminary founder Luke Callaghan has weighed in on the controversy, arguing that the cloning technique is simply too costly.  “I’ve been making clones here at the Exalted King’s Seminary for years,” he said, “And it only costs three thousand dollars a semester.”

Frank Cessna, head of the Conservative Calvinistic Evangelicals United in Reformed Brotherhood, who had initially approved of the project, withdrew his support after meeting with a clone of John Calvin.  “I had hoped,” he said, “That if I could speak to Calvin I could persuade him to adopt the additional three points of Calvinism that we have introduced in recent years.  Calvin, however, remains a firm four-point Calvinist.  I see now that the world would be a better place if we did away with cloning.  What I mean is, this is the best of all possible worlds, of course, but cloning is bad.  Cloning equals heresy.  Am I saying this clearly enough?”

Boldbee easily shrugs off the controversy.  “The fact is, business is booming.  People want the same old thing, and CSI can provide that in abundance. We also anticipate that more pastors will be able to pursue speaking and writing careers with clones at their disposal!”  More information and an interview with Boldbee can be found at http://growyourownpastor.com.