The Situation:

Marti, a twenty-four-year-old never-married single, said to me, “I’m just not a ‘touchy-feely’ person. I don’t necessarily enjoy people hugging me, and I certainly don’t initiate hugs to others. I guess it was the way I was brought up. In my family, we loved each other, but we didn’t do much touching.

“The problem is I’m dating a guy that I really like, but he’s complaining because I don’t seem to be interested in kissing and hugging. I don’t mind kissing if I’m really passionate, but hugging every time I see him or holding hands in public just doesn’t seem natural to me.”

I knew that Marti had a sharp learning curve to face, but I hoped that her desire to continue this relationship might stimulate her to learn to speak the love language of physical touch. After I explained the five love languages and that each person has a primary love language, Marti exclaimed, “Well, my primary love language certainly is not physical touch!”

“What is your primary love language?” I inquired.

“I think it’s words of affirmation,” she said. “I really feel good when John tells me how pretty I am or makes some comment about something I’m wearing. Maybe that’s why I’m hurt so deeply when he complains about my failing to take initiative in hugging and kissing. It seemed to me like he was putting too much emphasis on touching. It was as if that’s all that mattered to him. But maybe physical touch is his primary love language.”

I could tell that Marti was going to be a fast learner, so I said, “If physical touch is John’s primary love language, would you like to learn to speak it?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m not sure I can ever be a ‘touchy-feely’ person.”

“You don’t have to change who you are,” I said. “But you can learn to speak any of the five love languages, and you can certainly learn to speak the language of physical touch.”

“How do I do that?”

“By trying. Languages are learned one word at a time, or in this case, one touch at a time. Why don’t you begin by hugging your parents the next time you see them?” I suggested.

“You mean, just walk up and hug them?” she asked.

“Yes. Do you think you can do that?”

“I guess so,” she said, “but I don’t know how they will respond.”

The Solution: Learn by Doing

“That really doesn’t matter,” I said. “You are trying to learn to speak the language of physical touch, and you learn by doing. In fact, I am going to suggest that every time you see your parents for the next two months, hug them when you arrive and hug them when you leave. We know that the hugging will not hurt them, and it will certainly help you begin to feel a little more comfortable speaking the love language of physical touch.

“Then you can begin to turn your attention to John. Taking his hand as you leave the car and walk toward the mall may be difficult the first time you do it, but it will come easier the second time. At the end of the evening, initiate a hug and at least a kiss on the cheek. The more often you do this, the more comfortable it will feel.”

Marti seemed a little hesitant, but she said, “OK, I’ll try it and see what happens.”

It was a brief conversation, but I hoped that Marti’s strong motivation to enhance her relationship with John would give her encouragement to try what I had suggested.

The next time I saw Marti, she said, “It’s working. It’s even helping my relationship with my parents. The first time I hugged my mother, it was like hugging a flagpole. Now she is hugging me back.”

“How’s your relationship with John?” I asked.

“It’s going great. I think John really appreciates my taking the initiative in holding hands, hugging, and kissing. And it’s beginning to feel more comfortable for me. John is a great guy.”

“I assume he is giving you words of affirmation,” I said.

“Oh, yes, and no more complaints,” said Marti.

The good news about the five love languages is that all of them can be learned. Thus, you can deepen all your relationships by learning and speaking a person’s primary love language. Becoming fluent in the love language of physical touch also requires that you be sensitive to the desires of the other person. The time, place, and manner in which you touch are all important.

To learn more about the time, place, and manner of physical touch be sure to check out the post titled: “The How and When of Physical Touch.”