The year is 1996. The setting, Orlando Florida.

It was like any other trip to Disneyworld we had taken in the past. Only today…we were going somewhere different.

My well meaning parents were about to take my brother and I on an experience unlike anything we had ever encountered…an experience, they said, was sure to prove both fun and educational (1st sign of warning). As we waved goodbye to the Magic Kingdom, we started driving toward Orlando’s best-kept secret…. The Holy Land Experience.

Yes, the Holy Land Experience, where according to their site, you can “look into the eyes of the one who changed the course of history.”

I was not ready to meet Jesus. I was still a little freaked out by Mickey Mouse and the fact that he never spoke off camera.

The Holy Land, masked as a thrill-providing amusement park was worse for the imagination and attention span of a kid than a field trip to the local cheese factory. What was more amazingly disappointing was that while we could have been losing our lunch on Space Mountain, we were stuck at Jesus' home away from home where there were a wopping…count em…. ZERO rides.

There was a show though. I remember vividly seeing a musical re-inaction of the resurrection with Jesus wearing one of those Britney Spears microphones around his ear.

(google image search is amazing)

I was recently reminiscing with my brother about this traumatic experience that affected both of us deeply. We decided to do some research to see how the H.L.E was holding up these days when we discovered three disappointing facts.
1. It’s still in business
2. Still no rides.
3. It’s owned now by TBN

This got my brother and I thinking. How could we make the Holy Land Experience a better, more fun place for kids to go and learn about the Bible? Here are some attractions we came up with:

1. Jonah’s Wild Ride – Take a flume trip through the incestuous, pagan lives of the Ninevites and witness an animatronic Jonah refusing to obey God’s command. Uh oh! Why did it get so dark? Wait…Are those teeth? Ok, Jimmy needs a breath mint. Before you know it, your plunging down a 50-foot drop into what has been carefully designed to look like the belly of a whale.

2. It’s an Old Earth After All – join Ben Stein on a 3-D adventure. Enough said.

3. Tower of Babel – This one may not be for the little ones. It’s dark, it’s scary, no body can understand what anyone means…. it’s a lot like an emergent church service

4. Snow White and the 7 Spiritual Disciplines – You must be this mature to ride.

Anyone else have ideas?