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Musings on Dating

So one thing I’ve shied away from discussing on this blog are my experiences with dating.  When I was going through my separation from my wife, I made a conscious effort to not  date, or even really allow myself to consider who I would date if the opportunity arose.  My heart was on saving my marriage, and dating would just complicate things more.  Even when it was clear we weren’t going to reconcile, I refrained from dating.  To finalize our divorce, we had to sign paperwork and then wait for 6 months.  I used that 6 month period as a transition - praying honestly for a marriage revival miracle, but also preparing my heart for a transition back into the life of a single man back in the dating world.  


I’ve got to tell you - it was scary.

  I was never much of a dater in high school.  In fact, my ex-wife was really my first serious relationship.  We started dating when I was 21, so by the time my divorce was finalized, it had been 7 years since my last first date.  As if that wasn’t scary enough, I was in a totally different dating landscape - gone were the days of mining your classmates and co-workers for dates and hookups.  The “grown-up” singles scene is characterized by bar pick-ups, blind dates, online dating, and - the HORROR - church singles mixers events!  


Regardless, I jumped  back in to the dating pool.  Reluctantly at first, sure, but as time has moved forward, I’ve moved forward with more and more confidence.  I’ve been on more first dates this past year than I have my entire life (I guess that’s not entirely a ringing endorsement on the success of those first dates!).  Over the course of this past year, I’m starting to learn a few things about the dating scene, and I thought I’d share them here.


1.  When newly single, you must allow mom to set you up on one obligatory blind date.


If it works out, awesome - bonus points for mom!  If it doesn’t, you have a built-in reason to say ‘no’ for any and all future blind date potentials, no questions asked.  


2.  Picking up girls at church is kind of creepy. 


Shouldn’t you focus on worshiping the Creator, not the cute brunette sitting next to you?*


3.  Online dating is a great way to get dating experience - especially when you’re a normal, decently attractive male. 


Here's the thing though - I know I’m not creepy.  I just have to make sure the girls understand I’m not creepy as well.  Not necessarily the best way to start off a relationship, but when you think about it - whether your'e meeting girls on line or at the bookstore, your first and primary goal is to not come across as creepy.


4.  As a single, you are fully expected to have your male single friends meet your female single friends. 


However, when the majority of your male single friends are Christians and your majority of your female single friends aren’t - both sides just get mad at you.


5.  Distance matters, at least for me.**


6.  I’ll admit it, I look at your profile pictures first - if I like what I see, then I look at your profile. 


I’m a guy.  Sue me.  If we were to meet at a party, I wouldn’t talk to you with my eyes closed until I figured out if I liked your personality or not. 


7.  Use caution when non-believer friends set you up with their “spiritual” friends. 


As we all know, “spiritual” can run the gamut from God-fearing lover of Jesus to tree-hugging lover of the Universe.  (If “The Secret” is their favorite book, run - don’t walk - in the opposite direction as fast as you can!)


8.  Whoever came up with the rule “half your age + seven” is wrong. 


I’m not interested in dating a 22 year old - yet.  


9.  There is never a good time to break up with a girl.


If you procrastinate, you only increase the chances that a family tragedy will strike, making the break-up that much more necessary, yet that much more awkward.  Moral of the story:  if you know it's not going to work out - end it.  Quickly.  Just rip off the band-aid.  Trust me on this.   


So, readers, what are some things you’ve learned from your dating life?


* I am guilty of this.  

** Unless we totally connect, and you’re the new love of my life.  In which case, it doesn’t matter.  


Maybe the Kiwi dating pool would be a nice change? :)

FTR, there may never be a "good time" to break up with a girl, but there are better times than the day after said family tragedy, Jim Farmer.

P.S. Happy New Year ;)

I think the most important thing I've learned is to have a full understanding of who you are and what you want out of your life before you even TRY to get into a relationship! I think people nowadays are so obsessed about just needing someone in their life that they completely neglect the fact that particular person may not be right for them...I met my boyfriend James about 7 months ago after going through a few different dating websites and we've been really happy so far. My relationships before that never worked out because they were either too rushed or we found out that our lives are far too different for it to ever work out long-term. After my last breakup (about 2 years ago), I forced myself to take time off from dating to figure out what I want. I realized the guys I used to date were far to structured and boring and I want someone who is a little more free-spirited like myself. I mean, we don't need to plan what we're doing to do every minute of every date! Anyways, not I'm just rambling. I think the most important thing is be yourself. If you two are meant to be, it will happen in due course. Good things take time :)

I'll count on your tips. But whatever happens, the love of your life will just come, no matter how long it takes, he/she will. - Carmack Moving and Storage

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Grace makes beauty out of ugly things. I'm no relationship expert, but when my marriage fell apart, God's grace was extended through His community. This is the place to explore that community together.