…”It all belongs to you! I know, my God, that you examine our hearts and rejoice when you find integrity there” (1 Chronicles 29:16b-17).

Last night, I watched Frank on The Bachelorette break Ali’s heart. Whether it was staged, scripted or the truth–what he did to her sucks. Total douche.

Which got me to think. I am Frank. Insecure. Selfish. Emotional. Easily persuaded. Full of regret. Feelings.

I wish I had the guts to break up with my last job sooner than I did. Let’s be honest. I was scared to death of losing the one job that meant the world to me. The opportunities it afforded me were priceless.

Maybe that’s how Frank felt.

He didn’t want to lose Ali, yet he knew someone was waiting for him back home he really wanted. If only I had “______”, then I’d be happy. Right?

For me, I’ve always wanted to be a missionary. In ministry. Full time.

If only I was in ministry then I’d be happy.

Well I got my wish. As the only single in Throw Mountains group I’m realizing how scared I am. I never thought I’d be in ministry without a husband. By myself, living with my parents, raising support, struggling to pay my bills.

If only I was married in ministry then…

I wonder how many people feel their life is exactly like Frank’s. Like mine? Without courage. Desperate for change. Donald Miller said a character is someone who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

So, what do you want?

The Israelites wanted their Promised Land. We want and wait in hope for God’s promises. In the meanwhile we need bold, courage. To not shrink back from shame. To be men and women willing to risk character over pride, integrity over feelings.

If only I was obedient then I’d be happy.