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Late Night Confession

I know how to be assertive in business; I don't know how to be responsive (not initiate) in relationships :(

It started off as a tweet. In my quiet time my thoughts grew louder until it made its way onto the page.

Here is my late night confession...

I can't ruin it and it's not [already] too late. Jesus please forgive me for thinking that You're not above or bigger than me and my problems. Seriously ridiculous.

The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does. The Lord helps the fallen and he lifts those bent beanth their loads. When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in everything he does, he is filled with kindness. The Lord is close to all who call on him in truth. He grants the desires of those who fear him, he hears their cries for help and rescues them (Psalm 145:13-14, 16-19, NLT).

Things that need to change.

I'm not comfortable being pursued by guys.

I think it all goes back to my childhood where my parents would watch my every move and monitor every interaction. So when I was allowed freedom I got anxious and over ate.

I initiate to remain in control.

To not let any guy see my weaknesses. I'm afraid a guy is going to look back on the painful years of my past and reject me, or worse--not even pursue me at all. Deep down I want to be pursued. But I'm afraid. Afraid that no guy is ever going to notice me, pursue me, and keep pursuing me in spite of me.

Because ultimately, it's not even about me. Add God into the picture and that eliminates 99.9% of the boys. Waiting around for that 1% of men who actually have God in their life (not to mention balls and a backbone) and...that takes you back down to zero. Throw in a seminary degree and it now leaves me with a depressed feeling I've never had before. And I don't get depressed. I'm the anxious one, remember?

For a guy to know (and love) Scripture as much as me? ha. Just call me Sarah, the one who laughs at God. And yet he exists. Isaac. I know because God promised me many, many years ago and He's literally used His people to confirm in my life.

So why now? It's not like I haven't tried Match.com or eHarmony or church or bars or friends. Because I finally miss my friend.

I want to overcome the lie that no guy could ever be my best friend.

I was the kind of girl who grew up in a conservative Baptist household. Like I said earlier--I had no guy friends, and to be honest it's less complicated. I don't believe guys and girls can be friends unless it's work related, no chemistry, etc. Okay okay. Maybe I'm the one in this equation.

Stop.

Before the lies come flooding in like the California rains. I'll stop. And believe. Believe to hope. Hope again that my friend is still there out somewhere.

I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Comments

Renee, I think you've just voiced what so many single women feel, particularly those who've grown up in the church. I think as a whole, conservative churches have done women a disservice by breeding fear into them about male/female relationships. It's that whole "temptress" thing. I, for one, am sick of it. But to your point, I don't think you are alone in feeling like you have no idea how to navigate male relationships. And I'm so glad you laid your heart out there to share your lonliness even as you realize you don't know how to "fix" this problem. When your best friend comes along, I know you'll marvel at how God fixes problems for us...despite our best efforts to stay stuck in our current condition! Much love to you today.

Thanks Nicole. It's been a tough journey (albeit fun) of writing this book on relationships. It forces me to survey my life and see things about myself that need to change. It's awesome that God leads me one step at a time and helps to uncover the painful places so I can breathe and...be...healed. Thanks for your encouragement and I hope to someday help others discover the truth against this lie that so many young women have been led to believe, like myself!

I used to feel the exact same. It's like I was reading something I would have written 4-5 years ago. I am sure people have told you all kinds of stuff meant to be reassuring but which only leaves you empty, like "well, it happened for me when I stopped looking" or "young people are more career oriented these days; you'll have time for it later". But the truth is, it's all in God's hands. When I trusted, I saw that He was sweet and I was not let down. My prayer is that you'll experience the same. P.s. Being pursued is awesome. When it finally happened to me, I rejoiced.

Renee, my dear friend,

A man and a woman can be good and even best friends regardless of the sexual tension and/or attraction. I admit as a man that most (all) men want "benefits" from their female friends, but within all the "naughty" thoughts a man can be a true friend.

WOO!!!

Wow. One word: powerful. I always adore your raw honesty & open heart. It's refreshing! You are such an awesome woman of God. When God is ready to reveal someone that is amazing enough for you, ill be there; & I'm going to be by your side as we both wait for your prince. In the meantime, we will actually enjoy being single & rowing this boat together! :) heart you.

Thanks bestie, you always know just what to say and your encouraging words...encourage me. Imagine that :) Row row row your boat....!!!!

You say - "I don't believe guys and girls can be friends unless it's work related, no chemistry, etc."

Really? Cause I would disagree.

Stop running. Stop pursuing. Stop. Because that's when the One who is pursuing you will catch you. He's right there, right behind you, chasing after you.

You really need to read "Sacred Romance" (Eldridge/Curtis). It will do a lot for that longing in your heart!

Rocco, It's not that I don't believe guys/girls can't be friends it's just hard for me because of the way I was raised. I do have some great guy friends but it's few and far between. I'm not one of those girls who grew up with all guy friends. Unlike some popular girls believe not all women are catty. I love and need my girlfriends!

I've read Sacred Romance :)

Coming from a Conservative/Fundamentalist Baptist background myself, I can understand some of your feelings. There is a book out that argues for strong cross gender friendships. The name of the book is Sacred Unions Sacred Passions and it is very good. Here's a shortened link to the book http://tinyurl.com/2d3dnt4

Thanks for sharing Steve!

Renee, your post made me reflect on my life. You just told my wife's story before she met me and before our marriage. She had the same struggles. The difference is her relationship with Christ wasn't as deep as yours seem to be (at the time).

Since I was the only guy she felt comfortable with, during the bad times, early in our marriage I thought she just settled for me because of the same fears you have/had. However, together and with a third-party we worked out all our issues in detail.

We broke down ALL the walls and revealed to each other, ourselves, in our most vulnerable state. When we both accepted each other in our worst form (knowing we suck and that we solely depend on the power Holy Spirit) we know we did not settle for each other... we were a gift to each other.

Jamaal,

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one...and I'm SO glad to hear about your marriage and how God has worked within and through your past!!!

Thanks again for sharing...

Wow renee...you really just spoke straight to my heart. Let me tell you, you're not alone. Being Christian and single seems like a death sentence at times. But I believe that God has pressed on your heart to ultimately be a wife and maybe a mother, He will see that it happens. When He's ready for that portion of plan for your life. I will disagree with you on one thing. I think its healthy to have friendships with members of the opposite sex. If you are secure within yourself and open about intentions and vice versa with him...you open your heart to a whole mess load of growth. It's my Christian guy friends that have restored my faith in men in general. They are out there. If you go into a situation with no expectations, you might be surprised what the outcome might be. Now...I just need to adhere to my own advice. ;) love ya sweet one!

Thanks Morgan! It does but there is also freedom because where the spirit of the Lord is...

When I said that guys/girls can't be friends it came from a place of disbelief. I do believe, but I need help :)

Love ya too!

Thanks so much for letting people into the the mess of questions, doubts, fears, your past and the wrestling of trusting God with your future. I just want to encourage you and let you know you are not alone...I feel so many of those same things even as a 37 year-old single man and struggle so much with fear and anxiety in my heart and life. Being in ministry makes it even harder when you have expectations of so many people and live in a fishbowl that is under the microscope constantly. I'm not here to give you any advice...I really have no place to do that. I just wanted to let you know how God is using you in the midst of these moments and this season to breathe life and hope into people around you as you invite them into the messiness and rawness of your life. Thank you. Tell me more about this book you are writing. Check out Leading with a Limp by Dan Allender. Incredible. God bless.

You're welcome. I'm writing a book on dating & relationships for Harvest House and it's causing me to go deeper than I ever have before and there are times I feel inadequate BECAUSE of my singleness, but God knows better than I do. He knows the timing and how things work. Thanks for sharing. God bless u 2!

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About
Renee Johnson is a spirited speaker and writer to twenty-somethings. Her mission in life is to spur people forward (Hebrews 10:24). Read more information about her ministry at http://www.devotionaldiva.com.


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