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I've felt the affects of divorce in my own life, with my parents getting divorced when I was 6 months old. And, my dad is in his 3rd marriage while my mom just ended her 3rd. So, I know the facts and feelings that come as a child. Thankfully things don't always work like that. My wife and I have been happily married now for 8 1/2 yrs. Hasn't always been easy, our feelings (key word!) have wavered for each other at times, but divorce is not an option.
 I read an article entitled, "50 ways to leave your lover: unhappy couples get advice, cake at Britain's first divorce fair." Organizer of the divorce fair, Suzy Miller, said the event would aim to focus on the positive, starting with a warming cup of tea and a chunk of homemade cake. The theme of the conference is, "Starting Over." Musicians will play live and there will be play areas for kids. They will have psychics who would offer to heal people's minds and bodies, and one company suggests boosting finances by selling a healthy version of chocolate, Miller said. Many of the 30 or so exhibitors, who have paid up to 1,600 pounds ($2,245) for a stall, plan to focus on having fun. "Sometimes people just need someone to talk to," said exhibitor Martina Mercer-Hall, who uses astrology and alternative therapies to advise on designing one's home after divorce. Questions: You may not desire to get married any time soon, but chances are you have the desire. Even if you struggle with homosexual tendencies you likely (at least somewhere within you) have a desire for those feelings to subside, because deep down you desire a loving and intimate relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunately the Church is not very good at giving a positive view of marriage. We're really good at looking down at divorce, but its rare when we get a great view and understanding of a God-designed marriage. I think we ought to be talking about this MUCH more in our churches! I told you a couple things about myself at the beginning of this entry. So, here are a few thoughts to muse on if you're perspective growing up, like me, has been negatively influenced: Be encouraged, you can break the chain. Look, my entire family has been divorced at least once. Crazy. Literally, as I sit here I can't think of one close family member that hasn't been divorced. I look back on my life and I never had a good example. Father was absent, mom somewhat distant (although I knew she loved me) and the one man I looked to as a father figure in high school was caught making a move on another high school guy. But, this doesn't mean we have to continue the baggage! You can break the chain. Find couple's to connect with. If you know ANY couple that has a healthy marriage, cling to them! Even if your parents are still married and have a good marriage, it's always good to get more insights. You likely look at your parents marriage and think to yourself, "I don't want to have that in my marriage." Find a couple that does things differently...and cling to them. Make them adopt you into their family! If you want to have godly characteristics in your marriage, it will greatly help you to see them in others first. Even if you don't see them, be encouraged, you at least know how you don't want to be. That's my experience as a father, I just know how I don't want to be. Marriages are like churches. So many people have bad experiences in churches, get bitter, and detach. Trust me, I understand to a degree. But the problem is they fail to realize that not all churches are like that one. There ARE healthy churches out there. Marriages are like this too. If your experience is negative when it comes to observing marriages...just know there are healthy ones too! Let down your guard and fear, your marriage can be different. |
Comments
Thanks for the post about a somewhat neglected area in our church life. I suppose that it isn't preached about more for fear of alienating people who have been through divorce. It does require a gentle touch to be helpful to someone who has been wounded, either through their own poor choices or someone else's. We do need to look to the example of those couples who seem to be doing something right, as well as minister to the ones who need some rehab. In my own 40 years of marriage I find that my wife has been so forgiving and supportive that it is difficult for me to tell a brother in marital difficulties what I would do in his situation. I think the best piece of advice for the "not yet married" is to choose well. Choose someone who shares your passion for Christ. Then be patient. Be kind. Be forgiving. There will be things that you have to forgive each other for. And they will be bigger things than leaving the toilet seat up. And as we are commanded in Ephesians 5:21, we must submit to each other, not just the wife submitting to the husband but each submitting to the other. And be forgiving. For a long, happy marriage there has to be a lot of forgiving going on. Of course the one being forgiven needs to repent of the offense. That doesn't mean it will never happen again, but it shouldn't be a habitual, repetitive offense. To reiterate: Be patient. Be kind. Be forgiving. Submit to each other. And be forgiving (as you may have gathered by this time, it's what I think is most important).
doc
To answer your question, YES! Divorce is totally freaky and awful. I was just married 2 weeks ago and I became so aware of just how many loved ones in my life have gone through a divorce. It totally freaked me out because none of those couples ever began their marriage with the intent of divorce.
The Pastor and friend who married us worked into our vows, "never seeking a divorce." We heard so many comments about that statement from the witnesses. People were shocked that he said that as part of our vows. But we loved it! If people weren't as broken as they are, no one would have raised an eyebrow at the vows.
Thank you for your words of encouragement as I am just beginning my journey in marriage.
I, like your mother, have just ended my 3rd marriage. Just curious, have you ever talked to your mother about her reasons for the divorces? I ask this because being on the other side, I made decisions in the past based on what I believed to be in the best interest of my children (I truly believe to this day that although there is no doubt that damage was done, more serious damage would have been done to the children if I would have remained in the first 2 marriages). I didn't really give complete or detailed reasons to them or include them in the decision making due to their young ages but, I would have, (and still would) welcomed any conversation to offer knowledge and understanding of what their perception is/was.
Years later, the kids now with kids, I have had many conversations with one child and have a clear picture of how he sees his childhood and opinion of me as a single mother. The other, well, not so much. I have tried to open the subject up for conversation on many occasions but still wonder what her thoughts are when she reflects back and wish she would give me an opportunity to explain some things and answer some of her questions that may make some of those childhood perceptions a little more clear and maybe, just maybe, not treat me in a way that indicates lack of pride and lack of respect towards me as her mother.
Just a thought from the other side of the fence... if anyone thinks that their childhood memories are facts of the past, if you have not talked to your parents/parent, shared your thoughts with them or asked them for their side of any given story I am certain that they would welcome it with open arms - even if it is painful...just a thought.