Leah was one of several single adults who attended my marriage seminar in Cleveland. She explained, “I just want to learn more about marriage so that if I ever get married I’ll know what I’m supposed to do.” I wish more singles had that attitude before they got married. After lunch she asked if she could speak with me.

“I don’t want to take too much time,” she said, “but I have a problem.” I nodded and she continued.

“I’ve been dating a man for about six months who is the most wonderful man in the world, but I don’t have romantic feelings for him. I wish I did because he’s so wonderful.”

“So what makes you think he is so wonderful?” I asked.

“He is the nicest man I have ever met. I’ve never had a man do so much for me.”

“What does he do for you?” I asked.

“Well, it all started one night at church,” she said. “I had been to a singles meeting, and when I got ready to leave the church it was raining really hard. He stepped up with this huge umbrella and asked if he could take me to the car. I never remember having seen him before, but he said he had been attending about three weeks. Well, of course I accepted his offer. He got me to my car and told me to have a good evening. I thanked him; he closed the door and then walked to his car. I was appreciative, but it wasn’t a big deal.

“I didn’t think of him again until I noticed him in the singles meeting two weeks later. Afterward he asked me if I would like to get a milkshake. A milkshake sounded great to me, so I accepted. We walked across the street to the ice cream shop. I found out that he had never been married, was an electrical engineer who worked for a local company, and had lived in Cleveland about two years, having been transferred from back East. I enjoyed talking with him. However, when we got ready to leave it was raining again. He told me to wait while he got his car, then he would give me a ride to my car. Not wanting to get my hair wet, I agreed.

“He ran across the street and returned shortly with his car, met me at the door with the umbrella, then drove me to my car. He was soaking wet. As I drove home I had the thought that he’s a really nice guy, but I certainly didn’t think about dating him.

“Well, about three weeks later I ran into him at the singles gathering. Earlier that afternoon, I was having trouble with my computer. As I explained it, he said he thought he could fix it pretty quickly. If I would like, he would follow me home and fix it. So I agreed. He figured out the problem pretty quickly, but needed a part or something, so he went back to his house and about forty-five minutes later returned and fixed my computer within five minutes.

“I offered him a Coke, and we chatted about the computer for a few minutes. I told him how much I appreciated him helping me and offered to pay him. He refused and said that he was happy he could help me.”

Like someone right out of classic literature, the man was seemingly always ready to help. At a later singles meeting, he told Leah about a computer program he thought would be helpful for her.
“I’d be glad to install it if you would like.”

After he explained what it did, Leah agreed and invited him over to install it.

“He showed me how it worked, and I realized that it was going to help me out a lot,” Leah explained. “So again I offered to pay him and expressed appreciation. He refused to accept anything and told me again he was glad that he could help me.

“To make a long story short,” she said (by this time I was really glad to hear those words), “we started going out to eat about once a week, and he started coming over to my place and helping me with various fix-it projects. He trimmed the door to my closet so I could get it closed. He put a dead bolt lock on my front door. He helped me get a couple of windows unjammed. He showed me how to replace the filter in my furnace. He helped me figure out how to use some of the features on my new cell phone. He fixed my toaster when it started burning everything.

“I mean, this man is just incredible! I want him to be in my life forever, but I don’t have romantic feelings for him, and physically I’m not attracted to him. I don’t think I should marry him, but I really like having him around.”

“Do you think he has romantic feelings for you?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “We’ve never talked about it. He hasn’t tried to kiss me, he doesn’t put his arm around my shoulder, and we don’t hold hands. It’s just like a really good friendship. But I want to date other people, not anyone in particular, I mean, I really want to be romantically involved with somebody, and I don’t know if this can happen as long as I’m seeing him. But I don’t want to hurt him either. He’s been so nice to me. I don’t know what to do.”

Leah's Dad

I had the feeling that Leah was asking for the Wisdom of Solomon. Since I was not Solomon, I continued asking questions, “I’m going to change the subject for a moment, OK?” She nodded and I continued. “When you were growing up, was your father a handyman around the house?”

“Oh, yes. He did all the painting, all the repairs. If anything went wrong, Daddy could fix it. In fact, he fixed things for the whole neighborhood. When I got my first car as a teenager, it seemed like every week something went wrong, but Dad always fixed it. When I went to college there was some problem with the electrical system in my dorm room. I tried to get the maintenance people to fix it, but when they didn’t respond, eventually Dad came and fixed it.”

“How would you describe your relationship with your father?” I asked.

“Oh, Dad and I were always close. I am very fortunate to have had a dad who really loved me.”

“How do you know he loved you?” I asked.

“Well, like I said, all the things he did for me. He was always there when I needed him.”

“Do you see any similarities between your father and the man you’re dating?” I inquired.

Leah pondered a moment and then said, “Yes, now that you mention it, I do. Actually, Mark is doing all the things that Dad used to do. He’s a good man, just like my dad. But I don’t want to marry my dad,” she said. She was now smiling and wiping a tear from her eye at the same time.

“I think I can explain what is going on,” I said. “Do you remember the lecture I gave before lunch on the five love languages?”

“Yes,” she said. “I thought it was very insightful.”

“Well, my guess is that your primary love language is acts of service. You felt loved by your father because he spoke your love language.” Leah was nodding. “And you feel loved by Mark because he’s also speaking your primary love language.”
“But what about the romantic feelings?” Leah interrupted.

“I’m coming to that, but first of all, I want you to understand why you feel so close to Mark, why you value his friendship, and why you think he’s such a wonderful person.

“When someone speaks our primary love language, we are drawn to them emotionally. We have high, positive regard for them. We want to do something that will enhance their lives and reciprocate their love to us. That is likely why you started dating Mark. His acts of kindness to you stimulated a desire in you to do something kind for him. So, even though you felt no romantic feelings for him and were not attracted to him physically, it still seemed the natural thing to do. Now you have developed a loving, kind friendship and you don’t want to hurt Mark, yet you want to have a romantic relationship with someone else. So, you are caught in the middle.”

Suggestions for Leah

“That’s exactly where I am. What am I going to do?”

“Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can share some ideas that might help you decide what you ought to do.

“First, you must speak the truth to yourself. You are speaking it to me today, but you’ve got to be honest with yourself. The truth is you have a friendship that is very meaningful to you because Mark is speaking your primary love language. But this is not a romantic relationship that might lead to marriage. Consequently, there is the real possibility that if and when you develop a romantic relationship with someone else, this friendship will certainly diminish and perhaps cease to exist.” Leah agreed with my conclusion, so I continued.

“Then the second idea is this...” I realized that in Leah’s emotional state she may not remember anything I was about to say, so I asked, “Would you like to write these ideas down?” handing her my pen. “Oh, yes,” she said, reaching for her purse to find paper.

“The second idea,” I repeated, “is to find out what is going on inside Mark’s head. What does he feel about his relationship with you? Does he have romantic feelings for you? You can’t possibly make a wise decision without having this information.”

“But how do I find out?” she said.

“The best way is to ask him,” I replied.

“But I can’t just say, ‘Do you have romantic feelings for me?’”

“No, but you can say something like, ‘Mark, I’ve been thinking about our friendship, and I’m feeling the need to find out if we are on the same page. So I’m going to be vulnerable and share with you how I view our relationship, and then I’m going to ask you to do the same. Is this a good time for us to have this conversation?’

“Then if he agrees, you proceed. You could say something like this: ‘First of all, I really value our friendship. I hope it can continue. You have been so kind to me, and I really enjoy our times together, but I don’t view it as a romantic relationship.’”

“Just a minute, let me write that down,” she said. So I repeated it as she wrote it down.

“‘I think you deserve to know that. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I do think you deserve the truth. Maybe I’m being silly to talk about this, but I just want to make sure that we understand each other. Does that make sense?’ Then you listen carefully to Mark’s response; ask clarifying questions so that you are sure you understand where he is and go from there.”

I continued, “If he sees the relationship as you see it, a nonromantic friendship, then you can continue the friendship, and he will give you the freedom to date someone else. If, on the other hand, he has strong romantic feelings for you, the thought of dating someone else while maintaining a friendship with him might not be possible. But at least you’ll know the facts, and you can make your decision accordingly. He may choose to end the relationship. Or, if he has romantic feelings for you and realizes that you don’t have anyone in particular that you want to date at the moment, he may ask to continue the relationship until you meet someone that you’d like to date. The two of you agree that at that time Mark will have the option of walking out of your life. If he does not have romantic feelings for you, then he may be happy for you to have the freedom to develop a romantic relationship with someone else while remaining a friend of his, as long as that does not interfere with your new relationship.”

Our time was gone. It was almost time for me to start my next seminar session. Leah expressed appreciation and joined her group of friends for the rest of the seminar. When the seminar was over Leah thanked me again.

I nodded, accepting her appreciation for our time together, and said, “I only have one further comment. I hope that the person with whom you develop a romantic relationship and whom you will eventually marry speaks the love language of acts of service. If he does, it will make life a lot easier for him. If he doesn’t, I hope you will teach him to speak it before you get married and that he will understand why that is so important.”

“Oh, I’m going to bring him to one of your seminars. I’ll get him fixed up before we get married,” she said, laughing as she walked away.

I never saw Leah after that seminar, but I know she recognized her primary love language and its importance to her. However, most singles do not understand the importance of the five love languages and the role of their own primary love language before they get married. They enter marriage on the excitement of the “in love” obsession, thinking it will last forever. They become disillusioned when they come down off the high and wonder what happened to their emotional love. When we learn to speak each other’s love language early in our relationships, we are able to keep each other’s love tanks full.