Because of the euphoria of the “in love” experience, many couples feel like they have genuine emotional intimacy. As one person said to me, “This is the strongest part of our relationship. We really connect emotionally.” However, when the euphoria subsides, some couples discover that the foundation for emotional intimacy is extremely weak. They experience feelings of estrangement and distance. “I don’t know how I could have felt so close to him six months ago when today I feel like I don’t even know him,” one recent bride confided.

What is emotional intimacy? It is that deep sense of being connected to one another. It is feeling loved, respected, and appreciated, while at the same time seeking to reciprocate.

To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality. Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship. Let’s explore these three ingredients to emotional unity.

Evidence of genuine love includes speaking each other’s primary love language consistently. After you have discussed the concepts in this book and discovered each other’s love language, ask yourself: How fluently do you speak it? How much are you—and your partner—trying to speak each other’s love languages?

Respect begins with this attitude: “I acknowledge that you are a creature of extreme worth. God has endowed you with certain abilities and emotions. Therefore I respect you as a person. I will not desecrate your worth by making critical remarks about your intellect, your judgment, or your logic. I will seek to understand you and grant you the freedom to think differently from the way I think and to experience emotions that I may not experience.” Respect means that you give the other person the freedom to be an individual. You must also ask this question: Does the person you are considering as a spouse respect you? You can tell by the way they treat your ideas, emotions, and dreams.

The third element of emotional unity is the sense of being appreciated. When we express appreciation, it means that we recognize the value of the other person’s contribution to our relationship. Each of us expends our energy and abilities in ways that benefit our relationship. To sense that our potential mate recognizes our efforts and appreciates them builds emotional intimacy between the two of us.

This appreciation can look like complimenting each other. She might say, “Thanks for calling me when you realized you were going to be late. It means a lot to me that you were thinking about me.” Or, “Thanks for inviting me over for a meal. I know how much time and energy it takes to prepare a meal like this. I want you to know that I really appreciate your hard work, and the meal was delicious.” Such statements communicate appreciation. If, on the other hand, your thoughtful acts go unnoticed, you may begin to feel unappreciated, and emotional distance develops between the two of you.

Appreciation may also focus on abilities: “I love to hear you sing. You are so talented.” Or personality: “I am so grateful for your positive spirit about things. I know you were disappointed last night when I had to cancel our date, but it made me feel so much better when you told me you understood.” Appreciation requires concentration. First of all I must be observant of the other person’s actions, words, attitudes, and personality. Then I must take initiative to express my gratitude.

If there is genuine love, respect, and appreciation, then you will experience emotional unity. Discuss these three ingredients before marriage. Share with each other what makes you feel loved, respected, and appreciated. The degree to which you develop emotional unity before marriage will set the pace for your intimacy after marriage.