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Below is an excerpt from a manuscript in process on sexuality, love and learning to follow Jesus. Curious what you think about this topic of "the gift" of singleness. The chapter at large focuses on "involuntary singleness," or what it looks like to live well in your single status, even though it's not your choice, per se (to be without a lady or guy-friend). And frankly, that's what most of the book centers on, but I want to make sure I adequately represent the few who feel called to remaining single. Are you one of these? Do you know people like this? Does the excerpt honor the stance and/or is there anything you'd add, or alter?
Derek Webb, Caedmon’s Call, “Can’t Lose You”
"If I find in myself a
desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable
explanation is that I was made for another world.” (C.S. Lewis)
Recent decades have shown
dramatic increases in the single population, as well as singles seeking some
sort of theological backing, or understanding, about his/her state of
singleness. Moses said it’s not good for man to be alone[1],
and then some years later, Paul said it’s good for man not to marry[2],
leaving me to think either the Bible has a typo, or there’s a less travelled
option, like being fully with, while without—fully in communion, without communing with a
ring attached to your finger and spouse attached to your hip? Scripture is decorated by covenant
language, and most people get married.
That means we’re safe to assume that God likes marriage, and that parts of
“marriage” and “covenants” and “altars” are part of God’s design for us. For the purposes of this book, however,
what does this mean for we who are single?
God never mentions a specific
“gift of singleness,” as we moderns like to do. And frankly, few references to “celibacy” appear throughout
the Bible. Jepthah’s daughter did
not marry (Jud 11:38); by God’s command neither did Jeremiah (Jer 16:2); Isaiah
encourages the eunuchs with the hope of something better than posterity (Isa
56:3-5); the prophetess Anna likely lived as a widow for sixty years (Luke
2:36-37); four virgin daughters of Philip prophesied in the early church (Acts
21:9); 1 Tim 5 says some widows made pledges to remain unmarried; 144,000 who
“did not defile themselves with women” briefly appear in the Apocalypse (Rev
7:4-8; 14:1-5); Jesus and Paul were celibate, as was John the Baptist, scholars
think (of these, only the celibacy of Paul is affirmed in the New Testament).
Folks I’ve met who feel a
“calling” to singleness, or celibate living, have come to this understanding on
a personal basis (often unrelated to a lack of desire for marriage, or lacking
sex drive), compelled by longings for deeper union with God. And as Richard Foster said, “We do (such) people a disservice when we fail to proclaim
the single life as a Christian option.
Marriage is not for everyone, and we should say so. A single person can venture into forms
of simplicity that are closed to the rest of us. By word and deed the Church should encourage these faithful
servants of Christ. They should
never be looked down upon or viewed as somehow odd. We should do all that we can to be with those who have
chosen the single life, because they need our friendship and we need their
wisdom” (Freedom of Simplicity, 137).
Like any gift, or state, singleness
does not define one’s spiritual expression, or spirituality at large. That is not to say, however, that one
shouldn’t take seriously fervent explorations herein. If someone is single and not terribly
inclined toward marriage, nor in conflict with his/her sexual impulses, he/she
may more naturally be led to explore vows of celibacy, or an intentional life
of singleness. I’ve met one person
like this, and he’s since gone on to join the Benedictine Order. Nevertheless, we’ve sidetracked a bit
into explorations of “celibacy,” or a Christ-centered, voluntary, lifelong
commitment to virginity. “Single,”
however, describes the vast majority of us—we who remain single for whatever
given (or ungiven) reason and who, generally speaking, have the hope of
becoming married. And though the former is of great importance, our focus will center
on the latter—a life of involuntary celibacy, or singleness. |
Comments
Abbie, I cannot wait for this book! I have been telling many of my friends about it. You once said, "Don’t give up on God. And don’t believe the lie that God has given up on you. Whether in relation to your singleness, or something entirely different, His love will never fail you." That quote is on a post-it, and I look at it when I feel like a failure in relation to being single. Thank you for this book and thank you for your ministry.
Sweet Berry...I hope to have you a copy of this book soon! :) In the meantime, if you're ever wanting some material to sit down with regarding these topics of singleness/sexuality, you can download 3 weeks worth of "Conversations" (for each topic) at http://www.whatisorange.org/xp3college Love to you this morning. Give a hug to Cali for me.
Hi Abbie, I'm really excited about the topic. In reference to myself, I believe I'm in a "season" of singleness and it's been a long season. (smile) I don't believe I have the "gift" of singleness as I believe such people won't even have a desire to be married one day and are very content with their singleness. I tend to waver between wanting to stay single and wanting to be married. I have several girlfriends who seem so desperate to be married but that's not me. I recognize that marriage comes with certain commitments and perhaps restrictions that are not imposed as a single person. So, in this "season" I'm determined to fulfill God's assignment for me as a single person and pursue my goals and activities that I wouldn't be able to do as a married person. As a result, I find myself so involved that I forget about marriage- that could be both a good thing and a bad thing. I believe I'm ready for marriage when the time comes but I wonder if the time will ever come.
Thanks for sharing these parts of your story as a single, Antoinette. Widely encouraging...
Interesting thoughts here, Abbie. To be honest, I've never really associated my single status (and I'm a post-45, never-been-married single!) with my spirituality. Shouldn't we all, married or single, male or female, be "compelled by longings for a deeper union with God"? I find this idea that singleness somehow leads to more (or a higher) godliness comes out of the mouths of married people more often than not. As you wrote, the Bible never mentions a specific "gift of singleness," so why do we single the singles (sorry about that!) out in this regard?
I've embraced the path God has me on. I'm content and happy most days. I'm grumpy other days. I imagine my married brothers and sisters go through the very same thing.
I think you're right on, Barb, in so many ways. Excited to share this book with you.
I came to singleness after an unhappy marriage for 26 years, and absolutely LOVE being single. Does that mean I have a gift for singleness? I don't know, but interestingly, both my sons in there mid thirties are also single, as is their dad since we parted. All of us are very strong-minded, and are passionately involved in things at a level that simply would not be possible in a marriage/relationship. There is such a freedom to do the things we are called to do at whatever the hour of the day or night, as it doesn't affect anyone else. because of this we are able to make a far greater contribution in the areas of our callings.
I wonder if that is why Paul said something akin to " marry if you must"- because he was able to do such a phenomenal amount of visiting of churches because he too was single.
I look forward to reading what you have written when it is published.
Kind Regards.
Interesting things to ponder here, Mary...thanks for sharing from your experience. And I'm glad for the new-found freedoms you're finding!