As I write this blog on a quiet Sunday afternoon in New York City, people seem to be taking a short rest from the stress and trauma of recent economic events.   We are also enjoying a welcome break from winter weather.   We can all start thinking about the stresses of the real world tomorrow, but for now people have a few hours to watch some sports, hug a loved one, get some exercise, or take a nap.    Tomorrow, when all of the stress comes back, one way to help oneself and others to get through the stress and emerge stronger is to develop a lifestyle of affirming others.   

Dr. Gary Chapman’s book,, The Five Love Languages, is a helpful resource for learning some new strategies for affirming others.   He outlines physical touch, time and attention, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service as prime ways to affirm others.    With careful observation and a little creativity, one can learn the favorite love languages of the special people in one’s life, and make a point to include loving acts and words in   daily interactions with them.   It’s an easy concept, and so easy to implement that a five-year-old could do it.   In fact, five-year-olds and children even younger do affirm those they love.   Parents and caregivers are amazed every day by the kindness of children.   So if humans have such an apparent capacity to develop a lifestyle of affirmation, why do so few people feel that they are doing a good job of affirming those they love, and why do so few people feel affirmed?

What adults tell me most often is that their spouse or significant other does not deserve to be affirmed, or that they themselves do not deserve affirmation.    Most people feel that older teens and adults should only be affirmed when they have earned it; therefore, they are slow to give affirmation and embarrassed to receive affirmation from others.   Asking directly for affirmation is particularly difficult for older teens and young adults.   No one wants to appear “needy”.    Not unexpectedly, the standard for earning or deserving affirmation in Western culture is a bar that is set very high indeed.   This problem cuts across all demographic and religious sectors.   Therapists are currently emphasizing with clients that no mortal is perfect, or even close to perfect, and that, while we should all strive to be better people, we need to give and receive   encouragement all along the way in order to become that better person we envision becoming.

The next most common hindrance to affirmation is that people are hesitant to initiate affirmation, even when they feel the other person   “deserves”   or needs it.   Most people want to be affirmed first, and then reciprocate in kind.   This is a universal concern too, just like the demand for perfection mentioned above, This second concern touches a more private and spiritual place for people, which could explain why it is not the “top of mind” response that the demand for perfection is.   Every human being has a deep and legitimate need to be the recipient of affirming love. This isn’t needy, but normal.    People who don’t feel that this need is being met, can fall prey to various counterfeit forms of affirmation that could be called “affirmabation.”   This term refers to something that everyone knows is not as good as the “real thing,” but is at least predictable, can be done without the complications of communicating directly with another person, and feels “good enough” at the time.   Bragging, looking at pornography, shopping just to give oneself a lift, abusing one’s power, abusing substances, fishing for compliments, casual sex, and gossiping are all common examples of affirmabation.    As everyone who has fallen into this trap knows, the temporary good feelings that affirmabation delivers are usually   followed by feelings of emptiness, and the desire to be filled again.   When that empty feeling becomes a pattern, the best way out of it is to look for where your real affirmation comes from.   

Who are the people in your life who respect and affirm you?   Not the people who   supply   your affirmabation habit, but those who care about the authentic and imperfect   you, are the ones to stay close to.    Seek out new relationships, groups, and communities that affirm everyone, not just the “special people”.    Get creative in developing ways to affirm the people you care about.   Overcome your own hurdles that are blocking you from developing a lifestyle of affirmation, because like attracts like:   people who affirm others for being who they really are, attract those who desire real affirmation, not counterfeits.   Perhaps counterintuitively, a lifestyle of affirmation does not diminish the self, it makes the self stronger, more resilient to life’s ups and downs.   Stevie Wonder’s lyrics to the 1974 hit song performed by Rufus, featuring the legendary Chaka Khan, while a little risqué, provide a fun way to remember to affirm others.   Tell someone you love something good, and don’t let pride or busy-ness get in the way.   You just might set someone on fire – in a good way.