Many of you were interested in what I shared at the conference last week, so below are my talk notes. (For copyright reasons, please email me for permissions if you intend to use any of these contents for further use.)

I. Intro
Facebook status responses

II. Prepare ye the Way
The entirety of Scripture points to marriage, and God’s heart for pursuit, love, rescue and ultimately, Union with Him. What though, does this mean for us as singles? And as single women in positions of leadership, how do we treat our ministries and singleness accordingly?

Yes, I'm a woman; yes, I'm single, and yes, I’m in ministry. And all three affect the other. As much as being a husband affects someone, or being a mother, or being a star athlete or a math whiz, or even left-handed. All adjectives affect our day to day identity, but they don't it. I am all three and yet beyond all three.

Jesus said, “You [and the Greek here means all of you, male and female, single and hitched] are my witnesses. You are the salt of the earth. You are the light of the world." Thus, married and single alike, your ministry on earth is to abide in my eternal commitment of love to you and thus, shine my radiance accordingly.

For married and singles alike, our ongoing call is to stay awake to, receive and PREPARE from and for these eternal aspects of marriage. Though marriage is the norm for most, not all of us will receive that gift, but we’re still called to “prepare.”

“Problems in marriage are always the result of self-centeredness,” writes Douglas Wilson in Her Hand in Marriage. “So the time a person spends when he is single should be time spent in preparation for marriage. This is important even if he never gets married. This is because biblical preparation for marriage is nothing more than learning to follow Jesus Christ and love one’s neighbor. In other words, preparation for Christian marriage is basically the same as preparation for Christian living. Christians are to prepare for marriage by learning self-denial, subduing their pride, and putting their neighbor first. Once they learn to love God and love their neighbor, they are prepared to enter into the covenant of marriage with one of their neighbors.”

II: Treasure
At the heart of preparation is identifying your treasure(s).

For where your Treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matt 6:21/Luke 12:34)

Like the rudder on a ship. Where it is pointed is where the ship will go. So many times little "g" gods creep in and steal my treasure-focus, and the direction of my life starts veering to the right or left, ultimately barging out the One True Treasure if we aren't careful to judge our heart's Treasure. Getting a guy, getting married, getting attention, work, people pleasing, success, getting in shape, …. Not bad things in and of themselves, but when they’re our treasure—the rock on our left ring finger, steering our attentions, we’re cheapening our worth and the worth of our True Treasure (more beautiful than diamonds, more costly than gold...

For some our treasure leans more on the singleness and “I wanna be married” side of things, while for others “building the Kingdom of our ministries.” For all though, even those who are married, where our hearts are today and what are our hearts are treasuring, is the trajectory from which the entirety of the rest of our lives will flow. Whether married, single, living in Singapore, or studying in college, at our core, we’re all daughters…women designed by God…humans, designed for a Lover and with need for a Savior.

III: Treasuring Truth : Cultivating Christly Preparation

A heart of uniqueness versus equality (toward both women and men)

Envy/judgment/comparison with other women: Comparing ourselves with other women… (James 3:13-4:3)

Men and women are like apples and oranges—both fruit, each unique in taste, role, design…

*“There are diversities of operations, but the same Spirit. There are varieties of personalities, but all are made in the image of God. As a woman I find clear guidance in Scripture about my position in church … I started my missionary work as a single woman with three other single women. There was no church, there were no believers, and there were no male missionaries. Later I was a wife and had to rearrange certain priorities in accordance with what I understood to be my job as a wife, as a coworker with my husband in the field and later as a mother. When my husband was killed by Indians, I found myself in some indefinable positions. There wasn't one missionary man left in Ecuador who spoke the jungle Quichua language. There was no one to teach the young Quichua believers, no one to lead the church, no one but women to carry on where five missionary men had left off. The door to the Auca tribe had slammed shut for those men and was, to our astonishment, opened to two women. It didn't look to me like a woman's job. But God's categories are not always ours. I had to shuffle my categories many times during my last eight years of missionary work. Since coming back to the States I've done it again. I've had a career of sorts, I've been a wife and housewife once more, and again I'm a widow. But it is the same faithful Lord who calls me by name and never loses track of my goings and reminds me in a still, small voice, "Ye are my witnesses, that ye might know and believe me, and understand that I am he." (Is. 43:10).” -Elizabeth Elliott

Resources:
*”Captivating”: Stacy Eldridge
*“Biblical Manhood and Womanhood”: John Piper (academic, more technical)

A heart of completion in the Body versus partiality in one’s singleness

Mentee serving in Africa: “Abbie…my heart continues to be a mess. I am confused. Confused about a lot. I have been looking over the past year and talking with God about it. Have I done what he wanted me to do? Have I served him well? Have I loved these kids and these people well? Have I represented him well? And these questions lead me towards looking at the future--can I do this again? It is really hard Abbie to be here long term, and be all alone. All my friends here are married...they are great great people, but they are married and have their own life. It is hard to process all this, to live with the kids alone, to go to masese alone....to go through each day alone. When a child dies, when someone is really sick, when the day just seems hard, when I feel heart broken over the poverty and need---I have no one to go through it with, to talk about it with, to cry with. I have no one looking out for me. I have no one to walk through this with and serve alongside.”

Your wholeness and ultimate vocation is as a daughter of God, and member of His family/Body…so to search for (belonging and your role in the) “family” (Body of Christ), versus a husband, is crucial.

We were not made to be alone—we’re made to be part of a Body. (1 Corinthians 10:17, 1 Corinthians 12:16, Ephesians 3:6, Ephesians 4:16)

Mentoring/being mentored: Who’s asking you what’s really going on in your heart?

Resources:
*1 Corinthians 12 and 13
*”The Slow Fade,” Reggie Joiner/Chuck Bomar/Abbie Smith


A heart of vocation versus ministry

*Becoming more attuned to your identity as a friend and daughter of God, more so than servant, or worker for Him (Ephesians 1:1-4, James 2:23…).

*”Mothering” Long-term investment in people’s lives versus job serving people…God’s femininity: Luke 13: 34/Matthew 23:37 (How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling)

Resources
*”The Call,” Os Guinness
*”Courage and Calling,” Gordon Smith


A heart of honesty versus suppression

God isn’t surprised by where we are…He knows what you’re thinking anyway, so you mine as well verbalize, or journal the truth for your own sake. What we don’t “get out,” we maintain within…we harbor anger or resentment that fleshes out in different ways and at different people…we use food, work, exercise, even seemingly virtuous things, like service, to mask the reality of what we’re holding deep within. And eventually, in one way or another, whatever we hold within will find its way out.

Emotions/desires/longings are never our end…they’re an invitation. Ministry, how you look, what you produce…when any of these become ends in and of themselves, we’re always falling short… Beauty, confidence, value…all and ultimately only found in Christ.

Resources:
*”Abba’s Child” or “The Signature of Jesus”: Brennan Manning
*The book of Psalms


A heart of hope versus despair.

I’ve never met a person in a third-world country who’s an Atheist. Without hope, we bound to death. Even false hopes can hold-us in a game for a while, but will eventually disappoint.

What to do with unfulfilled desires, or dreams then—desire to be married, motherhood? My tendency toward anxiety and depression/melancholy… Take them to God…wrestle through them with Him…He is your only hope. Without Christ, we are bound to despair, and ultimately death (Fall of Man, “wages of sin is death…”. Any glimpses of deep-rooted hope are a grace from God—an undeserved, and yet offered gift, paid for in full at the Cross. Pray for a Spirit of hope, and belief that God is with You, and hears You…

Resources:
* Romans 15:13: Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
*Hebrews 11: Faith
*”Shattered Dreams,” by Larry Crabb
*August Rush (film)

A heart of belief versus fault (or “sovereignty versus self-condemnation”)

What if God messed-up?...If this is true, God is not Sovereign and not who He displays Himself to be throughout the whole of Scripture. He knows what He’s doing

What if I messed-up?...Sin…self-condemnation…It’s my fault… If this is true, what happened on the Cross of Jesus, both in death and resurrection, wasn’t enough. The Truth of the Gospel says nothing can separate you from cross of Jesus Christ, so either we choose to lean our faith into this promise, or we choose to do life alone, trying to save ourselves.

God says He’s, in fact, spared you from the “many troubles in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28b) in marriage by keeping you single...if true, says a lot about God’s thoughtfulness and protection of our stories.

Resources:
*For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
*”Traveling Mercies,” Anne Lamott


A heart of submission versus control

Ephesians 5:22-33: Stunning comparison we have in submission/respect/honoring men (and if married, our specific husband), as they reflect to us similar submission and love as “Christ loves the Church and gave himself for her.”
Galatians 2:2: It was because of a revelation that I went up; and I submitted to them the gospel which I preach among the Gentiles, but I did so in private to those who were of reputation, for fear that I might be running, or had run, in vain.
Colossians 2:20: If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as,
Hebrews 13:17: Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.
James 4:7: Submit therefore to God Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
1 Peter 2:13: Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority,…
Genesis 3:16 (God placing man over women)…Eph 5:22, 1 Peter 3:7 (women as “weaker vessel”)

Proactive waiting: Waiting well versus “becoming one of the guys…leading/pursuing...hiding our emotions and trying to become what males want us to be…trying to be male’s equal…

For those who are married, divorced, dated-much, or dated none at all, our ongoing task and priority remains seeking, asking and waiting on God’s pursuit…believing this is where our ultimate rest and hope falls.

Submission to God's order of headship (1 Corinthians 11)
*Anna in the Temple serving God "under" Simeon (Luke 2:25-38)…Jesus and Paul respectfully name women who helped him to do God's work, but there is still an order given…Head covering is still a symbol of this order (Florica’s: Romanian Orthodox).
*Married and single women here! If a single woman is not under her father, she needs to be under the headship of a pastor (including the help of his wife), elders, mission board, etc. Note that order is "because of the angels"…commonly believed that this means the angels observe our order and obedience and rejoice as they witness our obedience to God…we’re loved so much that He designed this order…and we need it to function most fully.
*Destructive when this Truth is taken lightly, or disregarded altogether…women feel isolated and alone…the Eve in us steps-up and creates/leads/speaks out of line accordingly… Men, then are emasculated, and women are get stuck becoming more and more layered in their “toughness,” while more and more fragile and distanced from their inner needs.

Resources:
*Surrender to Love,” David Benner


A heart of chastity versus possession/seduction

se-duc-tion (n): 1) the act of persuading somebody to do something wrong. 2) the act of persuading somebody to have sex, especially by using a romantic or deceptive approach. 3) something that tempts, persuades, or attracts.

chas-ti-ty (n): 1.the condition or practice of abstaining from sex on moral grounds. 2. plainness or simplicity of style. (online dictionary)

“Purposefully turning away for a time from dwelling upon or engaging in the sexual dimension of our relationship to others—even our husband or wife—and thus learning how not to be governed by this powerful aspect of our life. (Renovare Spiritual Formation Bible (NRSV):

“Usual strategies for helping people cope with sexuality are not working, repeating biblical teachings about sex is simply not enough, urging self-discipline isn’t enough, reminding people of the psychological cost of premarital sex or infidelity is not enough. What we need is something larger and deeper: a clear vision of what chastity ultimately is and the most important context in which it is to be practiced. Attempting to promote a whole new idea of chastity as “discipled sex…Chastity is doing sex in the body of Christ—doing sex in a way that befits the body of Christ—and that keeps you grounded, and bounded, in the community.
Sex is, in Paul’s image, a joining of your body to someone else’s. In baptism, you have become Christ’s body, and it is Christ’s body that must give you permission to join his body to another body. In the Christian grammar, we have no right to sex. The place where the Church confers that privilege on you is the wedding…. Chastity, in other words, is a fact of gospel life. In the New Testament, sex beyond the boundaries of marriage—the boundaries of communally granted sanction of sex—is simply off limits… Abstinence before marriage, and fidelity within marriage; any other kind of sex is embodied apostasy.” Lauren Winner
Chastity is a basic rule of the community, but it is not a mere rule. It is also discipline. “Chastity is something you do; it is something you practice. It is not only a state—the state of being chaste—but a disciplined, active undertaking that we do as part of the body.” Richard Foster
Coming to appreciate the challenge and possibilities of discipline helps us move away, “from the nagging voice in our heads that says, ‘I’m being made to give up something that is totally normal and natural…Spiritual disciplines are about just that: giving up something the body wants for a higher cause. With all aspects of ascetic living, one does not avoid or refrain from something for the sake of rejecting it, but for the sake of something else…. The unmarried Christian who practices chastity refrains from sex in order to remember that God desires your person, your body, more than any man or woman ever will.” Winner

Guarding your heart (versus self-protection) is about realizing your worth.

Resources
*”Spirit of the Disciplines,” Dallas Willard; “Celebration of Discipline,” Richard Foster (both of these have chapters on chastity)
*Real Sex: Lauren Winner
*Sex God: Rob Bell


A heart of hospitality versus entertaining

*Romans 12:13: Paul speaks of “contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.
*1 Timothy 5:10: Also instructs Timothy that showing hospitality is one of the many good deeds that should characterize women who are on the list of widows supported by the church.
*Titus 2:3-5: Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

*Home is a place to care for those who live with us, and more like for us in this room, where we can reach out to care for the needs of others—not to show off possessions or cooking skills, but to draw others into a sense of welcome, safety and genuine Love—not because others need us, or we have extra time, or energy, or freedom to entertain others’ needs because of our singleness, but because we have free and willing space in our hearts because of Christ to minister to those around us.

“When you are interiorly free you call others to freedom, whether you know it or not. Freedom attracts wherever it appears. A free man or a free woman creates a space where others feel safe and want to dwell. Our world is so full of conditions, demands, requirements, and obligations that we often wonder what is expected of us. But when we meet a truly free person, there are no expectations, only an invitation to reach into ourselves and discover there our own freedom. Where true inner freedom is, there is God. And where God is, there we want to be.” Henri Nouwen

Resources
*”Making Room—recovering hospitality as a Christian tradition,” Christine Pohl


A heart of rest versus productivity

Mary/Martha: Luke 10 Martha is doing the hospitable task, the one expected of her gender—frazzled by fixing and preparing, “distracted with all the serving.” What she isn’t doing is being present—to herself (possibly her resentment, Savior complex, need to be needed, etc.), her guests (at least in any healing capacity), and God. Jesus challenged Martha’s daily tasks of ministry, in order to draw her toward a similar task toward relationships with the Divine.

Desire to “save the world for Christ” versus solitude/being saved/needing Him. “…come away for awhile..." (Mark 6:31, Mark 1:35, Luke 4:42). Never put outreach over in-reach.

Lisa’s Sabbath blog post: “I’ve come to believe taking a Sabbath isn’t about my profession, or given season of circumstances. When I was a student, I wasn’t good at Sabbath because I had deadlines I ‘had’ to meet in the academic world. When I was in the work force I wasn’t good at Sabbath because I ‘needed’ to meet my boss’ expectations and produce a good product. Since I’ve been a wife and mom (for almost 25 years, now to 7 kids) I’ve struggled with Sabbath because I’ve been 'busy' and I’ve crafted my priorities according to some slippery standard of what I ‘needed’ to be doing. So, I suspect stinking at keeping the Sabbath has more to do with my inside affections than my outside schedule. “Do I want it?” That question of the heart is probably the biggest obstacle.

A lot about my Sabbaths, or prioritizing time with God in the morning, begins the night before...adequate sleep, mindfulness in reflecting on the week’s past, or stilling my heart so that it’s ready to rest, hear and receive the following day… Sometimes this simply isn’t feasible (I hang-out with college students a good bit and often they finally come awake at about 9pm) often we stay up late because of "fellowship"…counseling people, study, etc and feel exhausted the next morning…remember that you’re not in charge of changing people; God is. You must guard your heart, and know your limitations…Satan loves more than anything else, maybe, to rob us of our rest (Hebrews 4)and tell us, especially women!, that we’ve never done enough.

Resources:
*The Rest of God: Mark Buchanan
*Practicing the Presence of God: Brother Lawrence
*Hebrews 4


A heart of self-Acceptance versus self-hatred

Identity in Christ versus identity in the world

Affects of time in front of TV (Grey’s Anatomy), Mirror, Magazines, Facebook, versus nature, authentic friendships… Find myself turning to these more often when I’m feeling insecure, or lost in my longing….and more confused/insecure/longing when I leave them.

Self-Acceptance in my singleness: Realizing we’re made in God’s image…every crevice of our bodies and souls is thought-out, desirable and beautiful to Him.

Self-Acceptance in ministry “Stay and be made,” not just “go and make.”

Resources:
*Psalm 139
*”The Gift of Being Yourself,” David Benner
*”Breaking Free,” Beth Moore


A heart of holiness versus happiness.

The overarching will of God for our life is holiness (1 Thessalonians 4:1-3, 1 Peter 1:15). Sometimes this involves earthly happiness, but other times it involves suffering, unfulfilled longing and societal persecution, etc. (look at the life of Jesus for more references here). And yet, in all this, even, God’s (and your) best interests are in mind (Romans 8:28).

Resources:
*“The Sacred Marriage”: Gary Thomas (pulling from original quote by Oswald Chambers)


A heart of Kingdom mindfulness versus circumstances

Though many of us will get married, we live as we all will-and as if marriage is the end of becoming all we were made to. Not a promise of God. He promises that He will be with us; He’s enough for us; He’s our completion; He’s our ultimate bridegroom…

Wedding Feast (Matthew 22, Luke 20:35, Revelation 19): There is an end to singleness. One day we will be at the wedding feast of the Lamb and we will be His Bride. Even if we receive the gift of marriage on this side of heaven, it will never be our ultimate end, or union. Rather, earthly marriage will have its conclusion in death, and is but a shadow of what we’re offered in spiritual marriage.

The invitation for us, in our weakness and strength, in our desires and dreams, in our fears and frustrations, is always union with God—communion with God’s Story.

Resources:
*Isaiah 54; Colossians 3
*”The Divine Conspiracy,” Dallas Willard


IV: CONCLUSION: RESPONSE

Where you are is where God has you. On purpose. For His purposes. And your ultimate good. He hasn’t forgotten you, or your desires, or failed to hear your requests.

Heart Check: Where is your heart? What are you treasuring today? Bitterness… un-forgiveness against men you’ve dated, or men who have never asked you out… Fear of future or thinking God has forgotten you… Busy ourselves to stay away from the silence, or felt voids in our lives and longings…or asking the Spirit to reveal His unique plan for us…and affirmation that He knows us uniquely and knows what’s best for us, and that even in this time, we could be open to hearing His voice and trusting that He is well at work in leading and authoring the story of our lives.

Prayer of Release: 2 Options: TOWARD GOD or AWAY FROM HIM

*Even when you don’t understand You, Lord, help us believe. Help us understand how this season of less distractions from “full devotion to the Lord” (Paul) is, in fact, a gift, and something we want to live wholeheartedly in and toward.

*Stuck in our attempts at dating, beauty, or progress, or ministry…or believing You as a perfect Father and lover and brother of our deepest needs…and that when you see us as your daughters, you see: beauty, wholeness, chosen ones, significance and desirability…. Help us believe this is true God, for your namesake. Amen.

*Belief and ability to say “Thy will be done, Lord…Do what you want, and I’ll choose to trust you? Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee.