"Over the years, the growing consciousness of radical grace has wrought profound changes in my self-awareness. Justification by grace means that I know myself accepted by God as I am. When my heat is enlightened and my heart is pierced by this truth, I can accept myself as I am. Genuine self-acceptance is not derived form the power of positive thinking, mind games, or pop psychology. It is an act of faith in the God of Grace." (Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, 48-9)

I love Brennan Manning. Other than certain stories in the Bible and of course Jesus Christ, Brennan is the poster boy for grace. He writes paragraphs like this that leave me in awe and wanting that so bad -- to accept myself as I am, right here, right now -- no matter the circumstance.

The problem of perfection is that the right here, right now is not "okay." We can always do more or do it better. Even if we achieve the desired outcome, there is no time wasted before we're on to what is next or cleaning up the next mess or faced with yet another disaster that grips our ever-ready attention.

In this world of self-care (or perfectionist recovery) I find myself in, I see many responses to what I speak on and try to live out. The first response, we'll call her Person #1, is that she gets it.  She might not fully know what it entails, but the way of her crazy life isn't working anymore. She wants to stop listening to the chiding voices in her head and start caring for herself better in order to be healthier for others. Person #2 is quite a different story.  The message of self-care is internalized, but to the point that she cuts herself off from her community only to wallow and not heal.  She thinks that the wallowing will lead to self-care, but actually this person is not wanting to take care of herself.  It is a position of paralysis.  Person #3 thinks that self-care is selfish and keeps on keeping on.  She is the do-er extraordinaire and will stop at nothing (or stop nothing) to face her own issues.

There are other responses, but these three dominate. Of course I am a huge fan of #1, but at its root all three of these mindsets revolve around reconciliation -- or lack thereof -- of the guilt and shame we hold in our bodies and if we're ready to face it. Person #1 is ready to deal with the voices and start down the long slow journey of reconciling with herself. Person #2 can only see her shame and guilt.  The hope is buried so far down that she can't even imagine finding it and/or thinks she does not deserve it. Person #3 does not want to slow down to ask herself anything.  Her life is one of burn-out management, sacrificed for others.

You might know these people.  They might be you.  The truth is, they are all me at different times.  Sure I want to be Person #1, but that requires the hard work of showing up to myself every day.  I have to reconcile who I am every day.  Yesterday my pastor defined reconciliation as, "Making friends with the future in mind." Meaning that when we reconcile we are constantly working at the friendship for the sake of the future outcomes. (Hope I got that right Josh!) That takes a lot of work to do with myself, let alone my enemies!  So if we can't or don't do within our own souls -- how can we do this others?  There is no better time to ask this question of ourselves in this day and age.

So how then do we experience reconciliation, grace and healing? We have to start in that bleak place of our guilt and shame. The church has emphasized "guilt" a lot in the past.  "Jesus takes away our guilt." "We are no longer guilty." Shame is thrown around too, but shame is still what I felt for so long even though I was "forgiven" of my guilt. Recently I discovered a profound definition of both and it helped bring to light the ache in my soul. Norman Bales writes, "We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are." And isn't that just it? We feel that we can be forgiven for actions, but we feel we can't be forgiven for who we are.  There is no changing that -- but that's just it -- we're not supposed to!  However, this self-masochism plunges us into more penance actions i.e. perfectionism.

The truth is the love the Trinity has for us encompasses and embraces us just as we are at any point in time. We are loved for exactly who we are, but why is it so hard to accept this?

The reason I always start with the reconciliation (making friends) with one's self is that most Christians know in their heads that God loves them.  "Yes, God loves me." But their experience of embodying God's love in their souls and skin... what the heck is that all about? It's more than a hike, a devotional, or a book.  It can be terrifyingly awesome.  That is the grace of God and it moves and shapes the core and essence of our beings. There is no way to avoid love in the darkest hour if you know this radical space -- but it takes work.

Trust me, I still look like Person #3 quite a bit. But SLOWLY I am learning that even when I am sick I am okay and I am loved. Even when I am busy, I am loved. Even when I feel darkness and there is no light, God is there, and I am loved. I don't know how to explain it more today, so I close with this thought: Making amends with my own soul -- the guilt of my actions and the shame of who I thought I was -- I have unearthed a tiny slice of the Spirit's love.  This happens most often when I am just being me.

(Leaf portrait picture - Jenny Lee Fowler)