I sat down to write today and couldn't find a good starting place.  So I'll start there. I knew the concepts of what I wanted to write about this week: Self-care = intimacy and that I have found intimacy with myself and God through contemplative prayer. I am on a journey of getting to know the self that God wants me to be which is all tangled up in the world around me.... so yeah, I'll just go ahead and jot all that down in a quick blog.  (insert ironic laugh here)

I thought of writing about the fake intimacy that Facebook and the world of technology provide; of the addictions that are haunting our families and communities because people can't find places that will help them become who they are supposed to be. We have become so enmeshed in what family members and friends want from us. The subconscious expectations from youth stomp on our heads so much so that our feet become anchored and can't move. But then I thought, there I go again, going off on technology and using it in order for this message to be heard.

What I landed on for the first practical step of self-care is that you have to choose it.  There is a huge risk involved in that taking care of yourself REALLY will lead to taking care of others better. If we don't face this reality, we risk collapsing the delicate house of cards we have painstakingly built. And it will fall, it's just a matter of when. That is what happens when we are not connected to the intimacy in our souls.

I believe this is why there is so much stock, clout and pressure to complete the life checklist: college, marriage, kids, house, or even to just get a facebook page in the first place. That way once these things are checked off society can say, "Phew, she's okay, she's playing by the rules."

Rules make people feel safe and predictable. They provide order and, in a way, can be enforced from distance, therefore avoiding said intimacy. From a distance, a bunch of people can look the same.  However, move in closer and everyone has a different story, a different college, a different culture, a different lifestyle, a different marriage, a different way of raising a kid, or a choice to not have kids at all. Intimacy forces listening and understanding. It requires a commitment and investment of time and energy. I keep wondering do people have time for this these days?

Where I end up is in looking at people's versions of god.  A god (little "g") that is a distant rule maker is just that. There is no intimacy or care from a god like that because that god is only interested in keeping order.  I fired that version of god.

In firing that version of god, I opened myself up to risk-taking. I discovered a God (big "G") who is intimacy incarnate. One who wants to talk to me and give me words and visions. A Creator that truly cares. Self-care to me is living life as a prayer with this God.  A Divine Presence that communes with me in times of meditative contemplative prayer.

Contemplative prayer is what most of the Psalms come out of.  The prophets and disciples spent hours, days even in contemplative spaces. Not to mention this Jesus' MO. They may or may not have had art journals, but they wrote on walls and parchment and it might have been considered ancient day rule-breaking graffiti.  The people who listened to them were warned that it was scandalous. Run! Turn away! They were told that it wasn't safe.

Now there were a handful of false prophets and I'm sure it was with grave intention that the officials sent their warnings. But at what point do we teach discernment and model intimacy so that worried caution is not the given course of action?  When do we let people think for themselves?  I have run into a handful of middle-aged people lately who do not think for themselves.... so I'm beginning to wonder about all of those messages I heard saying that in my 30s and 40s, "all would be revealed."  Really?

I see Jesus saying that kids get it.  I see the prophets trying to teach people to think for themselves... to live out of love and not fear.  Sure there is some scary stuff that goes down in the prophet's stories, but that is life.  So how do we get there when everyone around me is either scared or too busy to realize how scared they really are?  Are there any models of intimacy and self-care left?

Contemplative prayer has opened a door to this way of life for me. I grew up with a god that made me recommit my life every six months and got mad when I didn't write in my prayer journal or read my Bible every day. I didn't see the delight God had when I enjoyed my hobbies or talked with my elderly neighbor, Hilda, who had no grandkids in the state.  I didn't see God in those things because my god was controlled.

I now serve a God that is uncontrollable. I live in a world that doesn't make sense.  I pray in unconventional ways by finger painting, collaging, or quieting my mind for 15 minutes. Ripping paper is a sacred act in my home. Gardening is church.  The church is people and when they come out to see what we're doing on our urban farm, we're doing church right there.  We still gather on Sundays to worship together, but more and more, as my husband said yesterday, we are realizing that church happens outside of Sunday's gathering time.

I use lectio divina and Ignatian contemplation because the Holy Spirit is uncontainable in those moments and I get to experience it. I show up to what is already moving because life is invitations to sacredness that is happening all around us.

Are we becoming a society so closed off to intimacy that we would choose busyness over self-discovery? Are we blinded by schedules and what we don't have to the point of being paralyzed by anxiety? If we don't risk intimacy with ourselves to find how God is moving in our souls -- we will surely miss the reality of our lives and the lives of those around us.

Sure iphones keep us connected at all times, but connected to what? I invite you this week to turn off your phone (yes, you can do it) and sit for 15 minutes -- breathe deeply, quiet your mind. Set a timer so you don't turn your phone back on. Just 15 minutes. Show-up for you.  Choose it for your sanity in this crazy world.

If that seems like too much or you need structure (like me) try a self-care practice -- click here for a list. Fire your god that is not only in a box, but has put you in one. Learn how to paint if not with your fingers, then at least let yourself dream and think in color.

Your life is unique, it is spiritual and it is worth taking care of. I hope your journey of self-care is one handled with the utmost care and that you will take a risk with me that this is absolutely worth it.

Photo credit: Sean Thompson