Two people sitting in the same room are certainly in close proximity, but they are not necessarily together. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It is giving someone your undivided attention. As humans, we have a fundamental desire to connect with others. We may be in the presence of people all day long, but we do not always feel connected.

Physician Albert Schweitzer said, “We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” Professor Leo Buscaglia notes, “There seems to be accumulating evidence that there is actually an inborn need for this togetherness, this human interaction, this love. It seems that without these close ties with other human beings, a newborn infant, for example, can regress developmentally, lose consciousness, fall into idiocy and die.”

When quality time is used as a means of expressing genuine love, it is a powerful emotional communicator. The single mom sitting on the floor rolling a ball to her two-year-old is giving the child quality time. For that brief moment, however long it lasts, they are together. If, however, the mother is talking on the phone while she rolls the ball, her attention is diluted. The child no longer has her undivided attention.

Quality time does not mean we must spend all of our moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It may mean doing something together that we both enjoy. The particular activity is secondary, only a means to creating the sense of togetherness. The important thing about a mother rolling the ball to her two-year-old is not the activity itself but the emotions that are created between the mother and her child. Similarly, a dating couple playing tennis together, if it is genuine quality time, will focus not on the game but on the fact that they are spending time together. What happens on the emotional level is what matters. Their spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that they care about each other, that they enjoy being with each other.

If, on the other hand, your dating partner has expressed a desire to learn to play tennis and you, being more proficient, agree to give him a tennis lesson, the focus is on developing your partner’s skills. This may be an expression of love, but it’s not quality time, this would be the love language known as acts of service. You are providing a desired service, teaching your partner to improve his tennis game. He may feel genuinely loved by your efforts, especially if his primary love language is acts of service. In this context, you might also speak the love language of quality time if after the instruction you sit down for a cool glass of lemonade and have a quality conversation.

...and you?
Are you really spending quality time within your relationships? Are your relationships expressing genuine love?