It's been a long time in coming. I am at the end (gasp!) of the third chapter. I have to apologize for how long this has taken--with the holidays and work, I have been delayed more than I had hoped. I've run into other problems, too, but they're more interesting. I'll tell you about those later this week.
For now, here's the concluding section of Chapter three. The central point is that no one is really ready for marriage anyway, since marriage is what prepares people for marriage. The argument for delaying marriage makes even less sense, then. But let the reader decide...
The possibility of betrayal is enough to deter many young people from marriage, especially for generations like ours that have seen the nasty and painful effects of divorce firsthand. I occasionally hear older people advise young people to delay marriage until they are "mature enough" to marry. Being mature enough to marry is certainly desirable. But the monumental nature of the marriage calls in to question any person's abilities. Marriage is a crucible: it refines, and no one is ever prepared for the fire.
Allow me one nerdy example: the journey through marriage is similar to Frodo's journey in Lord of the Rings. At the beginning of the book, Frodo clearly lacks the skills he needs to take the Ring to Mt. Doom. But his inexperience and youthfulness does not stop him from taking the Ring out of the Shire. And it is his journey that prepares him for his ending. It too is a crucible: it refines him and strengthens him.
In other words, it is marriage that prepares us for marriage, not dating. The two relationships are, after all, completely different relationships. Like Frodo's journey, marriage is a process of growth-which is always good but often seems to be painful. There are many times of peace and playfulness, joy and laughter. But there are difficult times as well, and it is these that test and develop our character and the character and strength of our marriages. A deep and unswerving commitment to the marriage vow is necessary to journey well.
It is within the marriage covenant that our hearts deepest desires find their rest and peace: "At last," says Adam, and when we reach that state, so too can we. It is our natural home, our resting place. And as poet T.S. Eliot says, "The end is where we start from." If we are to make it safely home, we must know where we're going. We must have a positive vision for marriage. Kass's question-to marry or not to marry-demands an answer from us if we are to successfully navigate the rest of our romantic lives. It is precisely that vision that I have attempted to provide.
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Comments
Matt,
Well said. No one is ever "mature enough" to be married--I agree.
BTW, from my experience it has not been only "occasionally" that I've heard people counsel younger couples to wait to get married until they're older--it's often, quite often. I have heard it touted often that younger marriages have a much higher chance of ending in divorce. Why do you think this is so?
Something else to consider: What about not being "mature enough" to pick a marriage partner wisely? If you choose poorly it's likely all those aspirations of realizing what marriage is meant to be just fall apart. You might end up more "mature" through the process of a bad marriage, but you still have a lousy marriage.
Just some thoughts,
jessica c
Jessica,
I agree that most older people counsel younger people to wait. I think that is often because they somehow think marriage would be easier if people waited--financial reasons excepted, I don't think that's the case at all. It's always ironic to me, in fact, when people who have been married a long time give that counsel.
I tend to think that most young relationships end up in divorce not because the people are young, but because they have misconceptions about marriage and lack communities to help them stay grounded in reality. The age factor, in other words, is more a case of correlation without causation.
As for picking a partner wisely, I agree that it is a difficult issue. It's something I'll wrestle with in the final, practically oriented section of the book. I would say two things right now: (1) everyone I know marries someone at the same level of maturity as them. It may not look like that on the surface, but peel back the layers and it is almost always true. (2) A lousy marriage is a tragedy, yes. But I would argue that the failure of marriage rarely has to do with the choice of a spouse, and more often is due to how we behave once married. I'm not a huge fan of "compatibility" as a measure for determining whether to marry someone--in fact, marriage seems to depend upon acquiring the virtues of patience, love, kindness, faithfulness, etc. Develop those virtues and it doesn't matter what kind of person you pick--you won't have a lousy marriage.
Matt
You mean if BOTH people develop those virtues, right? It takes two to tango.
Well, in most cases people develop the sort of character that cultivates virtue prior to entering marriage. I don't think people's character is fixed by that point (at least I hope it isn't!), but major transformations are very rare. In other words, if one person is inclined to cultivate virtue, they'll almost certainly be attracted to someone else who is inclined to cultivate virtue....which means that everyone should just relax a little. The odds are that you're going to get someone with roughly the same level character as you. That's good--and bad--news!
matt
WOW. This is really really good.
I used to think that maturity was better to start marriage, but I've totally changed my mind. Youthfulness alone should not be a reason to delay marriage. The bond of young love without expectations can cement a marriage for life. You just pray that both partners mature along the way. Many do. If you think about it, the only marriages that get to 50 or 60 years are those that started very young.
Keep the vision going!
Thanks, bluediamond, for the encouragement! I appreciate it immensely.
And your point about the marriages lasting 50/60 years starting young is well made. I have always thought that if our grandparents could do it, then certainly we can do it too!
Thanks again.
matt
Isn't the idea that there's no "mature enough" for marriage the same as saying there's no "immature enough" to warrant waiting? Aren't there people who lack the maturity to understand or make a life-long commitment to another human being? Say—I don't know—children? Maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying...
I am not sure that the one entails the other, actually. I'll have to think more about it, though. It's a great question.
Allow me to clarify my point, though: most adults will tell young people ages 15-25 that they should delay getting married. Functionally, this argument suggests that (a) marriage gets easier if you wait longer to enter it (which is dubious) and that (b) young people are not mature enough to enter it. Regarding (b), I would argue that this view actually debilitates young people and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if we expect young people to consider marriage, it turns out that they will begin acquiring the skills they need to marry. It is a basic rule I learned as a teacher: teenagers will rise to the expectations that are placed upon them if they believe they can meet them and they see the work as worth doing. I am more interested in destroying the advice that young people should forestall marriage because I think it fundamentally treats such young people like children, when in fact marriage is a very adult thing to do. I want to treat them like adults.
For more on this topic, I'd encourage you to read The Case Against Adolescence, a fantastic book. My review of it (which might illuminate where I'm coming from) is here:
http://mereorthodoxy.com/?p=1087
Thanks for commenting!
Matt
Great stuff here, Matt. Thank you so much for it. I love your disarming, panic-reducing encouragement that no one is every 'mature enough' to get married, and that that is just fine. I'm a bit more skeptical about the line that, in the marriage covenant, 'our hearts deepest desires find their rest and peace'. I'm not so naive to miss the fact that that could be the guarded caution of a 32-year-old single man, but I'd also think that the rest and peace of desire is something found in relation to Christ and, finally and fully, at the End. 'At last...' is an eschatological sort of thing to say, right?
Matt,
Thanks for the kind words, and the feedback. I have continually been hit with this criticism, which I think is justly given. I hadn't picked up on the eschatological dimension to Adam's language, which I must think further about. I do think my language of "rest and peace" is overstating the case, though. I'll temper it in future editions.
I should say that I recognize that a fully orbed understanding of marriage and the covenant must take into account both nature and grace. No surprise, I am still learning how to balance (if that is the right word) those two. I recognize that I really emphasize the natural aspect of marriage in this chapter. In the next (currently undergoing revision) I think I shall probably go over to the other side and argue that marriage's intended purpose can only be attained with Christ. In this regard, I differentiate myself from the bulk of secular psychology. We will see if I am successful, though.
thanks again.