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Doing some final work on a manuscript called, “Slow Fade” dropping in April. In short, it’s about the fade-out of 18-25 years olds from the Church Body, and written with Reggie Joiner and Chuck Bomar. We’re pretty excited. But in the meantime, below is an addendum of sorts, offering ideas of what we'd do well to not keep saying to college-aged and single people. Anything you'd want to add?
***  INSTEAD OF: “How is someone like you not dating or married?”… HOW ABOUT, “It’s really good to see you.” (Point being, to validate God’s movement in one’s life, regardless of whether he/she is married. Furthermore, to validate their significance, worth and value just as they are). INSTEAD OF: “Don’t worry, when you stop looking, Mrs./Mr. right will come along”… HOW ABOUT, “Gosh, it sounds like where you are could be a tough place. INSTEAD OF introducing someone as “your single friend, _____”… HOW ABOUT introducing them as “my friend, _____ . INSTEAD OF asking what the person wants to do with the rest of their life… HOW ABOUT asking what they enjoy. Ask (and you’ll likely have to help answer) how it is God has uniquely designed them, and how they might walk out that vocation today. INSTEAD OF honing in on accolades and accomplishments… HOW ABOUT reflecting valuable parts of their character and how you see God at work in one’s story. INSTEAD OF wearing a mentor mask… HOW ABOUT being yourself. If you’re having a bad day, or just got a promotion, say so. Acting like you have it altogether, or are suppose to have “if I were a good mentor, I say…” (robotic) answers, isn’t helpful and can be detrimental. As one in her mid-twenties said, “The way a mentor portrays his/her life walking with Jesus influences more than they know. Don't sugar coat that walk, because when the weekly coffee dates are gone, these students have to walk without you.” If married, INSTEAD OF saying you remember “exactly how it felt to be single”… HOW ABOUT being sympathetic, but let the person have their own story. Your story isn’t everyone else’s. And by nature of the fact that you’re with someone now, you’re automatically being filtered through a different lens (was single, but got hitched). Also if married, INSTEAD OF inflating where God has you (compared to where He has a single person). Walking down the aisle doesn’t make you an entirely different species, or lend liberty for statements like, “Once you’re married, maybe you’ll understand…”… HOW ABOUT talking about your life in honest terms – what’s fun, what’s challenging, what you’re learning from God, where you feel He’s is being silent, etc. If single, INSTEAD OF belittling where God has you... HOW ABOUT embracing your singleness. You, and your ability to lead well, are complete in Him. INSTEAD OF assuming gaining ground with this age-stage is always about speaking their language and being in their world… HOW ABOUT asking if they’d ever want to meet at your workplace, or if married, join you and your wife/husband/family for a meal, or night-out. INSTEAD OF assuming college-aged people “have so much free time”… HOW ABOUT asking if they’d be interested in helping-out. They most likely have jobs, friends, parents and interests beyond volunteering toward your needs. INSTEAD OF asking college-aged people to step-up only when you need babysitters, extra hands for the car-wash, or to teach pre-school... HOW ABOUT asking what they’re passionate about and giving them outlets to serve accordingly. INSTEAD OF pitying single people because they’re single… HOW ABOUT rejoicing with them in their joys and weeping with them in their sorrows. Not all single people wish they were hitched and actually maybe be living so by choice. They may be legitimately happy, content with themselves and their community, freedom, etc. INSTEAD OF assuming all singles live a road-tripping life that pulls all-nighters and sleeps till noon… HOW ABOUT meeting individuals where they are, respecting that most have important jobs and live lives not unlike those of married twentysomethings. INSTEAD OF slapping-on Proverbs 31, or “If you just delight yourself in the Lord, He’ll give you the desires of your heart” like a bandaid. Translation: If you’d just delight better, you wouldn’t be single…you’re doing something wrong that’s causing your singleness… your singleness is your fault… HOW ABOUT exploreing one’s desires and what it means to be a man/woman, or delight in the Lord. God can handle the rest. INSTEAD OF assuming a guy and a girl are dating when you run into them hanging-out… HOW ABOUT treating them like two friends. We’ve dichotomized male/female constructs to the degree that guys and girls have lost understandings of what it means to healthily be friends with the opposite sex. INSTEAD OF teaching as if your audience will soon “be married and benefit from this marital material soon…” HOW ABOUT teaching from the text, valuing all people as fully loved where they are, as they are. It’s tempting to put life in a line of boxes labeled infant, child, teen, single, married, parent, grandparent... Don’t fall for it. Boxes suffocate. Furthermore, if you’re a pastor, no matter what you say leading into a marriage series about the imporatance of this material, even for those not yet married, your single just tuned-out. INSTEAD OF praying solely that single people would find a wife, or husband… HOW ABOUT praying for single people to continue discovering who it is God made them to be…and for the grace and courage to become that. |
Comments
Thanks Abbie (and friends), for these very practical, gentle and honest approaches to simply being with people, married or single, wherever they are at. I pray readers will search their hearts when/if they see themselves reflected in these scenarios. Looking forward to reading more.
It's been exceptionally helpful to hear your feedback thus far. Everything from the title changing, to adding a short intro, and even to a revised (and hopefully more gentle) voice of "Instead of, How about," versus "Don'ts and Insteads," I don't take your impressions lightly. Keep 'em coming!
"INSTEAD OF assuming a guy and a girl are dating when you run into them hanging-out…
HOW ABOUT treating them like two friends. We’ve dichotomized male/female constructs to the degree that guys and girls have lost understandings of what it means to healthily be friends with the opposite sex."
Amen to this. Death of the male-female friendship has led to confusion when people do start to date, and this can easily carry into couple friendships if and/or when people marry. Thank goodness for the creation of co-ed Bible studies, sports teams, etc within the newer concept of church so that men and women can enjoy being friends with one another without the raised eyebrows.
This book will be good--I can tell already!
Abbie-
I love this! It totally speaks to where I am at right now. I would also love it if bible studies were not always oriented to either 'single' or 'married' groups, I think both groups are defined further than those title's and deserve an opportunity to be intertwined.
I look forward to reading 'Slow Fade'.
Blessings sister.
Berry
Abbie, I'm really looking forward to reading this book! It sounds undeniably relevant to my life right now as well as the life of the church. After moving away from my college town and moving to a rural midwestern town, I have not been able to find people in the church that are my age. Most are 5–10 years older or younger. On top of that, I think there is ONE other single guy around my age at my church. I think I know why, but I'm anticipating reading what you and the other authors have to say. I think it's an important work!
Mari, Berry and Nick, I hear your cries!! The target audience for Slow Fade will be college and senior pastors, but I'm hoping college-age-people (or at least the ministry-minded of them, like yourselves, it sounds) will enjoy it, too. Hopefully it's a tool you can pass to folks at your church and say, "Here, this is what's going on and this is how we have the chance to respond." And fear not, more projects toward your/our age-stage are coming! Cheers to each of you tonight. Always appreciate what you share. Abbie