Democracy is so outdated. If we Americans can customize our laptops, our dream homes, our low rider trucks, and our pizza toppings, we can surely come up with a way to manufacture a custom-made President.

Choosing one candidate to represent the dreams, idiosyncrasies, causes, beliefs, and common sense of 300 million people doesn’t make any sense at all. I mean, doesn’t Washington realize that we have a very specific list of demands?

So I submit a new idea, inspired by those geniuses at Apple: iLeader.  It would fit beautifully with the American ethos of individuality and self-absorption. This impressive gadget—still several years away from a workable prototype—would allow us to be governed by a flawless, personalized platform of ideals. Call it anarchy without all the depressing chaos.

You could create your list of causes and I could create mine. After the talking heads lost their jobs, I’d get to write my President’s speeches for him, choose his (or her) running mate, design his lapel pins, and even carve out a suitable spouse and children.

Electing a one-size-fits-all President (an OSFAP, for short) is simply ridiculous. It would mean that my sacred views might be supplanted by some other yahoo’s convictions. It would require the risky business of democracy where some of the people get screwed some of the time. An OSFAP might force me to reconsider things that I never liked and fight for things that are morally adrift. Most important of all, such a ridiculous process would uncover a strange truth: that a secular system isn’t very good at solving spiritual problems.

Since there’s so much to hate about democracy, anyone want to give iLeader a try?