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Eugene Cho, a second-generation Korean-American, is the founder and lead pastor of Quest Church in Seattle and the executive director of Q Cafe, an innovative non-profit neighborhood café and music venue. He and his wife are also the visioneers of a new organization to fight global poverty called, One Day's Wages.
You can stalk him at his blog or you can follow him on Twitter.
If I Were Jon and Kate's Pastor
I'd been intending to write some blog posts on marriage, dating, and other issues related to relationships. But in light of recent events I thought I'd share a few personal thoughts about Jon and Kate Gosselin's announcement <http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=415602> to proceed with divorce and end their marriage.
The Gosselins, of course, are the "stars" of the TLC reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8. The show <http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/jon-and-kate/jon-and-kate.html> follows the life of the Gosselin family, which includes Jon and Kate and their eight children -- fraternal twins and sextuplets. It is currently the most popular show on TLC. About 9.8 million viewers tuned in to watch the season premiere last month in the wake of constant tabloid rumors that the Jon and Kate's marriage was on the rocks. And, sure enough, on that show the couple revealed that they were experiencing a rough patch in their relationship. So when TLC revealed last week that the couple would make a special announcement on Monday's episode, many people anticipated the worst -- and they tuned in <http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/06/jon-and-kate-ratings.html> to witness the tragedy. Last night's episode, which was the first full Jon & Kate that I've seen, topped the season premiere by 800,000 viewers. Before last night, I'd only seen snippets of the show here and there. But, for whatever reason, I remember the episode where they were at church, sharing their story in front of their church community with their pastor, and recounting God's faithfulness in their lives.  And now, it's come to this ... Last night's announcement had no mention of God, covenant, church, community, or prayer. I wonder what kind of pastoral/spiritual care and counseling they are seeking and receiving. So, let me ask you this:If you were in Jon & Kate's community group or were their pastor, how would you advise/counsel them? I have no personal connection to the Gosselins, but it is indeed sad to see their troubled marriage exposed and exploited in the public arena of reality TV. Let me also say that I really have no idea about all the details and gossip. I just know stuff is going on because of the buzz and all the magazine and tabloid covers. But if I were Jon and Kate's pastor and were approached by them for counsel, I would share three simple things: 1. "The show must go on ..." // No, the show must not go on ... the Marriage must go on, but the show is absolutely unessential. This show needed to have ended a season ago. The show may have been a good idea at one point, but it's no longer a good idea. You're sharing their pain and drama in front of an audience of people who have no deep soul connection with you. Mercifully, TLC announced today that they were halting production <http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=415770>1=28103> of your show until August to allow your family to adjust to its new reality. But I believe it would be best for you, Jon and Kate, to end the show permanently and spend some quality time with your counselors, pastors, community, and family. Ending the show should have been the announcement on Monday. Give reconciliation, counseling, and healing a chance without the cameras. 2. Remember your vows. Remember your covenant with God -- and with one another. When you're angry, upset, hurting, and bitter, the marital covenant doesn't often prevail. Rather, it's those feelings that dictate your actions. What you are feeling -- anger, bitterness, betrayal, etc. -- are all legitimate. You are experiencing every one of them. But our feelings can also betray us, which is why we make and honor these vows and submit -- joyfully, respectfully, and, at times, painfully -- to our covenant. Because of our covenant with one another and with God, we seek to live by Grace. We strive to listen to the other person, understand, seek counsel, ask for forgiveness and forgive, pray, communicate our feelings, pray some more... If you believe God brought you together, God can sustain your relationship if you confess, repent, and receive and extend grace to one another. 3. Repent ... for God loves you. It's as short, honest, and real as possible: Repent. Apologize. Forgive. And start the healing process. God has never stopped loving you both and your entire family. Above all, despite their televised announcement last night, I'd tell Jon and Kate: Reconciliation is possible. Do you believe? |
Comments
Eugene:
Thanks for your well-written article. Even though in many ways both John and Kate needed to be confronted:
Kate for her domineering, manipulative, controlling, demanding, elitist, Jezebel mentality
Jon for his passive Ahab leadership style and his priority of his sports car over his family
Their church(es) are also at fault and need stern discipline from their overseers. These rumors have been going on about their troubled marriage for almost a year now with the rumors of Jon cheating with the schoolteacher and Kate cheating with the bodyguard. Why didn't the church elders and pastor not intervene, push the issues hard enough for confessions and lay down the law to the point of formalized church discipline / excommunication if needed?
Maybe it's because they were also blinded by the large amounts of money being received in their own offering plate every Sunday?
Maybe it was because of the fear of a slander lawsuit and Jon and Kate having tons of financial resources (and the ability to obtain more finances) to hire sharp lawyers?
Maybe it was because the church is so seeker-sensitive in nature that it has swallowed the lie of constant POSITIVE-anity to the point of viewing church discipline as being NEGATIVE-anity and therefore never practice it?
----
I can never condone marital infidelity in any situation. After watching a couple of episodes, I can clearly see why John may have committed adultery. Kate made Jon very miserable and placed so much pressure and so many demands on him that he did not have an healthy outlet combined with the fact that everyone wanted the show to go on and the money to continue rolling in.
Kate to me is a very unbearable person whose beauty is skin deep while her ugly demeanor is rotten to the bone and domineering from the start. And she is not the only one. There was a mentality of the "Spiritual-bitchyness" that was taught to many of these evangelical women in her age group many years ago in their singleness as part of the evangelical mindset mixed with a lethal and deadly portion of "name-it-and-claim it" prosperity gospel. The issue now is that Kate Gosselin is the first one of these women to get very famous and the ugly monster of this arrogance King's kids mentality appears new to most of the viewers but has been tolerated in evangelical, pentecostal, and charismatic churches for years with the more it manifested, the more anointed we called these women.
They need to pull the plug on this show NOW! and seek counseling to save their marriage. However, I really believe that the divorce is already "settled" (alimony, childcare, custody issues already agreed upon) to the point of waiting out the time frame to get the legal papers saying they are legally divorced and both parties now have their respective future reality tv shows, their book deals, made for Sunday night TV movies / future Lifetime network re-runs, and their talk show circuit schedules already lined up.
I have watched J&K+8 for a couple seasons now. As well as seen most of the back episodes. And I am truly very sad for their children and somewhat angry at both parents for letting their selfishness and pride overheat to the point of thinking the only solution is divorce.
Yes Kate is controlling, manipulative, selfish & mean spirited.
But she hasn't always been this way to this degree, it's been a slow progression over the course of the series as they got more popular, more famous and more money. I agree with everything Eugene wrote.
But, I have to wonder if the Gosselin's were still active participants of their church. According to some family and neighbors over the past year the Gosselin's (or one might argue Kate) grew incredibly inaccessible. I don't know how much of it is true and it's not my place to speculate. But if they weren't allowing members of their church to hold them accountable then what could their church do? I've seen similar things happen at my church. Families just pull away despite how much support and counseling is offered, there is a perceived notion they have somehow been wronged or that they don't need/want the church's help even if it is offered.
I do understand why Jon wanted out. It's been obvious for a while he was miserable. They have both stated from the beginning of the show he didn't want more than 2 kids, he didn't want to leave his job, he didn't want to move and he made it clear at the end of last season he didn't want to continue with the show. However, he entered into a controlling and demanding relationship willingly and made a lifelong commitment to put up with it. I'm not saying Kate is in the right. I'm saying they are both equally responsible for the disintegration of their marriage, paparazzi spin or not.
I do agree they should have ended the show to work on their marriage. But I have a feeling that Kate's need for attention is what pushed Jon over the edge in the first place. The irony is that I don't see this show going into another season. I will honestly be surprised if it does in fact come back in August.
It's so so so sad, truly I hope they can still reconcile even though it seems like all possibility for that is gone....
Well said, good and faithful servant!