- When someone is in pain, there is no right answer. And it doesn’t matter what type of pain: physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. We try, though, don’t we? Especially for those of us who find ourselves in positions of leadership, specifically Christian leadership, we think that there is something we can say to make things better. Sometimes it is a Bible verse that we quote, sometimes it is something we read in a book, maybe a well-known Christian author, or worse, a Christian cliché.
- God works out all things for the good of those who love him.
- God has a plan.
- They are in a better place, now.
- I guess it just wasn’t God’s will.
- These are just a few. There are many, many more and I’m sure you could come up with much better ones (I guess that’s a result of trying to write while watching Grey’s Anatomy!). Maybe you’ve been the victim of these before. I know I have. It’s a terrible feeling isn’t it? To know that the best you’re getting is a Christian cliché – sometimes I wonder if people say these sorts of things just so that they don’t have to do the hard work of actually caring, of actually sacrificing their time, and of actually becoming emotionally involved. Well, lets be honest, doing these things is rarely pleasant or fun. But still, we wish people would care more. It hurts when we know that somebody doesn’t really care.
- You know what hurts more?
- When you realize that you don’t care. It is somewhat of a wake-up call – and it certainly doesn’t feel good. In fact, it is very humbling. This was something I recently experienced. Myself and two friends were hanging out and one of them started to open up about some deep pain he was dealing with and how it was affecting his relationship with God. He felt very distant from God, very disconnected, very discouraged – and I just kept offering Christian clichés, little nuggets of truth that I thought would fix his problem. Luckily, he had the courage and wisdom to tell me that I wasn’t getting it.
- That shut me up pretty quick!
- And you know what I realized as a result? There is no right answer when someone is in pain. Prior to this moment, I had thought that there was a right answer. There have been times in my life where someone said something to me, and it changed my life. So I thought, that if I could get rid of the overused Christian clichés, and give him some fresh, new truth, that this would help. But, it didn't. Truth, no matter how fresh it may seem doesn’t fix a broken heart. But that is what we’ve convinced ourselves of, isn’t it? We think that truth will fix everything because, if it is true, then it has to.
- But it won’t…and it can’t.
- This is not the way God designed life. Genesis says that when God made man (that is, mankind) he created them in his image, male and female. Now, I’m no Biblical scholar, but sometimes I wonder if that common thread that mankind shares with God is community. Just as God enjoys this beautiful community in himself (I once read that the language used to describe the relationship God has in himself was that of a dance) we are meant to have this beautiful community amongst ourselves. But that doesn’t happen by spitting truth at each other. This doesn’t happen by elaborating an idea, no matter how beautiful – it happens by sitting with each other in silence and tears and learning what it means to bear one another’s burdens; it happens when we learn to embrace the awkwardness that comes when someone shares their heartache.
- Most of all, it happens when we exchange our truth for love. And love doesn’t say much. It doesn’t really need to.
Comments
It is interesting that we still need to be reminded of this truth over 3000 years after the Book of Job was written. We may be tempted to sit in silence for a period and then offer advice and even judgment, but we should be very cautious about that. By the end of the Book of Job, it is pretty clear that God condemns pious platitudes in time of grief and pain.
It may be that a word of admonition is needed at times, even for someone is hurting, but we should be very careful. And usually we should just offer our support. The support may not always be silent, but should not try to explain away the hurt. I think it may be useful to say, "I'm here for you. How can I help?"
Hi Gonzoguy,
I deeply appreciate what you said. Sometimes it's just about showing up and being willing to listen with your whole heart. We can have a tendency to minimize a persons pain in an effort to "fix" the thing that is hurting them. Many circumstances are not "fixable". You can not go over, under, or around, you just have to go through them.
This is so true, I have been on both sides of this, most of us have. And you are so right. Someones we just need to shut up and listen. For me, this is hard to do at times. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your experience. The reminder is needed. God Bless!