My husband and I celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary  this summer,  but  we are not in a relationship.  We were in a relationship before we got married, but  as of August 13, 1983, we have not been in a relationship.  We do talk to each other,  and we do live  in the same home.   We have physical contact,   and  three beautiful  children as evidence of that.   In fact, we are deeply  connected  at a heart and soul level.   So why  the steadfast refusal to enter into a relationship with my spouse?  Isn’t it a little late in the game to be thinking about getting close to each other?   The reason is that people in a relationship stay together or move apart, based on how they are relating to each other;  while  people who are married stay together or move  apart  based on mutual legally documented promises  made  at  the wedding, and their  discernment  as to whether those promises are being kept, have been broken with hope of repair, or have been irrevocably  broken.

In a marriage, the  promises  are the primary  foundation, and in a relationship, the quality  of relating is the primary foundation.  In a marriage,  the promises to love , honor and be faithful are clearly verbalized in front of at least  one witness.   There is a legal document, a  marriage  certificate  or marriage  license, entitling both parties to particular  rights and priviledges, based on the public promises.   There  are distinct  barriers to ending  a marriage,   and there  is usually  an acknowledgement   that  this a change  from the original plan  to stay married until one of the spouses dies.   By contract, in a relationship,  if there are promises  made, they are usually  made  in private, and undocumented.    There is usually  a tacit  understanding that  it would be perfectly  reasonable, although probably   very painful,  for one or the other partner in the relationship to renegotiate   the time  frame for those promises.   Because they have different foundations, relationships and  marriages  have  different  root  causes   underlying the ir  issues, and different  solution paths to those  issues.     

Most of my married clients  have told me that they want  to work  through  the problems  in their  “relationship”.  Perhaps this choice  of wording  reflects the wish for escape   that  married people  sometimes  experience   during conflict.  Spouses in conflict sometimes  wish there  were  an easy way  out of the marriage,  as there was back when they  were  in a relationship.   In most cases,  the use of the term “relationship” is more  likely  being used by clients  who have  adopted the  current   cultural norm of referring to any  two  people  who  are a couple  as being in a “relationship.”   Part of my work with couples  is helping  clients  to  properly  identify  the context, -  a marriage  or a relationship -   before  looking  for root  causes  and solution  paths.  It is important   during conflicts,  when  one   is  bored,  or even when things are going  really   well  with  one’s significant  other,  to reflect  on  which  type of couple  one is in – a relationship   or  a marriage.   Neither  type  of couple   is,  in itself,    better  or  superior  to the  other.  However,  there  are healthy  behaviors   and  goals  for  each  type of couple  that  are distinct.  Both  types  deserve  to be affirmed,  but  the  tricky  part is in not losing  the distinctives  of each type  in the process.

To use an example  from my  clinical  experience,    let’s say  I am seeing two couples.  One is  Adam and Betty,  who  are living  together  with  the  possibility  of becoming engaged being open-ended.   The other is Charles  and  Dorcas,  who  are married.  Both have  the presenting  problem  that they  feel  that they  have  different  goals,  and  they  want  to do  better with  this.  With  Adam  and Betty,  I will  help them  to develop  skills  for  better  understanding of the other person’s  world and experience,  and have each  of them find out how   welcome  they   would  be  if they participated  more  in the  other’s activities of interest.  The  root  cause   is  lack of knowledge.    If  one  of them has trouble  supporting  the other’s  activities,    or is not comfortable  participating with  the other or letting the other participate,  that tells them a lot  about  whether  they  would  enjoy  being married  to each  other.  With  Charles  and Dorcas,  I would   review  the same skills  that  Adam  and Betty  worked  on,  and find out if  there  was  a time  in their marriage  when such participation and mutual  support  was  easy  for them to maintain.    The root cause  here  is probably  time pressure,   combined  with new  responsibilities.  If they Charles and Dorcas  can  re-establish  the habits of  mutual support and participation,  they  can  experience  their  marriage commitment  at a deeper level.    

Happily  married   couples   report  that  it’s not enough  just to have  a supportive  attitude,  they  want  to  be an integral  part  of their spouse’s  success.  Remarkably,  they  want  to support  their spouse even  when  the spouse  fails.  In  other  words,  it’s not enough  for the spouse  to  be  a success  or to enjoy  an activity.  “Your happiness”  becomes  “our happiness”.  “Your passion”  becomes  “our passion”.  “Your setback”  becomes  “our setback.”  What  I call  The Story of Us  becomes  a strength  for the good  times  and a source of energy  in the bad times.   (If another therapist has already  coined this phrase,  then my apologies  to them.  I will be happy  to  cite  previous sources if made  available.)

When a dating couple  mutually  notice  that they   are  starting  to develop  The Story of Us,  they begin  to look towards  marriage.   When  Mako  and I were  in our relationship,   at some point  I realized  that it wouldn’t  be enough  for  me  to  attend  his art exhibits  and to know   that  good  things were happening  in his career.  I  wanted  to be participate in his interests,  and be an  integral  part  of his success.   Believe  me,  I do not have the skills to help  out  in the studio.  I have   participated  in other ways.  He  realized,  at some point,  that it wasn’t  good enough  that  I had  this great  thing  called  faith  in Christ  that  inspired  my life  and work.  He felt the urge to investigate  the claims of Christ  personally.  The Story of Us requires that both partners  not only  desire  to be  committed to each other,  but  that they be willing to  possibly  undergo  some personal  change  and growth  in the process.  When a husband  joyfully  announces  “We’re pregnant”  or  a wife  confides,  “We got laid off from his job this year”,  it demonstrates  The Story of Us  is  being  written  for those couples.    

Whether  two people are in a relationship or a marriage, there is much to be enjoyed and much to learn.   They may be getting to know, they may have supported each other emotionally for a long time, or they may have already written many chapters together in The Story of Us.  Marriages and relationships both can be celebrated.  Which kind of couple are you?