My summer has gotten off to a very busy start, despite all attempts at R & R, but for a joyful reason. My son is getting married at the end of this month, and our family members are putting all of our efforts into giving him and his fiancée a great launching into married life. Truly, they have our blessing and our emotional support as they start their shared life together. They have also had to bear the constant scrutiny of a mom/future mother-in-law who is a marriage and family therapist, and who also provides premarital counseling for other couples. Over the last two years I have observed how they treat each other, their body language, and their choices. My husband and I have conversed with the young couple about their values and future plans. I have listened in on their (very occasional) arguments, to the best of my eavesdropping abilities – my bad, I know – to determine whether they “fight well”. I have checked them out on every scale and predictor of marital success that I know of. Why? Because we care so much about them and their future, and we are quite aware of the pressures on marriage in our day, and because this is the help I am qualified to offer.
The movie “I Think I Love My Wife,” starring Chris Rock and Gina Torres (2007), portrays with high-definition accuracy the current pressures against marriage, and how couples can resist those pressures. I found it very funny too. The protagonists are a married couple with two small children, who find that, although they still love each other, they never make love. The kids, the job, the house, and other responsibilities are sapping all of the couple’s energies. Never being able to get together sexually creates fears for both of them that the marriage may be over. When the husband’s predatory single co-worker enters the scene, it appears as if this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for this marriage. However, they have some essential couple skills working in their favor, which give the marriage a fighting chance. Here is a short list of skills to cultivate for those who want a long-lasting marriage:
- When one spouse speaks, the other listens
- When one spouse makes a suggestion, the other takes it seriously
- Both spouses are willing to laugh at their own faults
- Both spouses study the habits and preferences of the other, striving to become the expert on the other.
- Both spouses feel equal, and feel like adults in the marriage
- There is a sense of playfulness in the marriage
- Both spouses suggest changes in a positive way
- There is no personal criticism or name-calling, or shutting out the other with silence
- Both spouses are responsible with their use of money and time, and they take good care of their physical health
- Both spouses desire each other sexually
- Both spouses have a sense that they are actively participating in their shared history, “the story of us”
If readers have noticed other “saving graces” in their own marriages, I would love to read about them. I will check in after we get these young people married. And yes, I predict that it will be a long and happy marriage for my son and his fiancée, despite all of the pressures out there. They present a very moving picture of the kind of life that two young people can build together.
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Comments
This is an excellent list.
As a statistic of divorce, I may not be a very good source of marriage advice but I would offer one insight from my 17 year marriage.
When either partner loses a sexual interest in the other, it is an indicator that there are many more much deeper issues that need to be addressed. Young couples don't understand this because sex seemingly is an easy glue for the marriage early on.
I attributed my spouses lack of sexual interest to fatigue, busyness, or that my expectations were just not realistic. After years of counseling after my divorce, I realized that I should have sought professional help long before my marriage ended. This was a symptom that was ignored for a long time.
As Christians we tend to de-emphasize the importance of sex. The sexual bond is what separates the marriage relationship from any other.
Dear Judy,
Your husband has a great "eye" for art, and you have a great "eye" for relationships. This is so insightful. I am not married, but I grew up in a home with parents who exhibited all of the characteristics in their marriage listed above (well, I can't speak to their sex life, which is FINE BY ME, but the other stuff was all there!)
One thing, too, that I've noticed about my folks that seems to be missing in a lot of marriages I've observed is that they are one another's #1 fan. Not only do they never badmouth one another, but they are quick to defend the other if anyone else is critical. They seem very secure in the other's love for them, and that seems to help foster an atmosphere of safety within their relationship.
I hope to have that someday myself.
Thanks for your great blog!
Christy
Judy -
I'm certain that you would love nothing more than to be "put out of business" by masses of people who would simply adopt your common sense approach to a well-balanced marriage - which having tried it... works beautifully. When I think of all the times I have selfishly not employed the items you have shared I only remember how exponentially more difficult my life became.
I would like to add to the list which came to me a while back in an epiphany -
All my issues with relationships (namely my marriage) stem from one of two "E's"
Entitlement or Expectations
With regard to entitlement I find that I am entitled to very little and with regard to expectation even less. One wastes much time waiting for others to become the people they wish them to be. Receive the good graces that are freely offered to you - acknowledge them as such and be freed from the tyranny of the "E's"
This realization has helped me become more grateful for the miracle marriage I enjoy. The miraculous thing about my marriage is that my wife is there when I get home. No verbal commitment or piece of paper could ever hold her there for past 14 years.
Thanks for sharing
Matt