Last week, from Sunday to Sunday, was my church's annual week of prayer and fasting. Like he does every year, our pastor called the entire church to fast. What type of fast we did was entirely up to us. He just asked that we have 100% participation.

A few people I know of did juice fasts, but most of us did a modified Daniel fast of sorts. Some (myself among them) did a "media fast." For me, this meant that I did not watch any television or movies all week. 

Now, I do not consider myself a tv junkie. In fact, for years I did not watch television at all. But lately, I have grown very fond of Hulu. The truth is, I don't get any TV stations in my apartment; I do not have cable or a TiVo or DVR or anything of that technological ilk. But with Hulu, I can watch a variety of television programming any time, for free. So nowadays, especially after a long day of work, I come home, fix something to eat, and watch something on Hulu to "check out" for a bit.

Last week, however, I came home, cooked, did some home projects, and spent my evenings reading and praying. And you know what? It was a beautiful week. I felt a closenss to God I had not felt in a long time. I was sleeping 8-9 hours a night, and my days were very peaceful and productive. 

The fast ended on Sunday, and yesterday, Monday, I came home from work and, as per usual, sat down, exhausted, to veg out. For a couple of hours, I putzed around my apartment, not really doing anything important, while reruns of Hill Street Blues played on Hulu, one right after the other (I'm not kidding - Hill Street Blues. I was not allowed to watch it when I was little, so now I'm getting caught up. I'm also getting a big kick out of how tame it is compared to TV shows today. And to think, there was a time when the subject matter of Hill Street Blues was controversial!) I drank a cherry ale, then another, and then around midnight went to bed. I ate homemade bread, lime flavored Tostitos, and ale for dinner. I know - real healthy.

This morning, I woke up and one of the first things that came to mind was what a waste last night was. And as I contemplated what makes me want to come home and "check out," especially after a hard day, I remembered this passage from Jeremiah:

Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror," declares the LORD. "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." (Jeremiah 2:12-13)

Conviction landed on my heart like a crow in Tokyo, and it has been sitting there all day, waiting for me to come home from yet another full and exhausting day to face the fact that this passage is talking about me. I realized that, sometimes, I come and plop in front of my computer to watch stupid TV shows because I am tired and worn out and I want to be entertained, when what I really need and what I am actually craving is something that only time with the Holy Spirit can actual satisfy. I know that when I sit and read scripture or a good book and pray my soul is refreshed. Yet something in me feels like that will be too much work, and I dont' want to have to think. I want to turn off my brain and just chill out.

Yet what I find is, at the end of such an evening, I am not refreshed or rested. In fact, I am also feeling more agitated, because I know in my core that I have wasted a few good hours of my life.

Now, let me clarify: I do not think this is always the case with watching television. I have no problem with entertainment. In fact, my work is largely about helping good art and entertainment to be made. And when you live alone, sometimes it's just helpful to have the background noise of some show that doesn't require a lot of you.

But the issue I'm referring to here is motivation:  when I am tired and weary, do I go to Jesus for refreshment, or do I go to Sam Adams and Hulu? When my heart and soul are whispering to me, What you really want is to sit at Jesus' feet for a bit, chew on some scripture and listen for a while, do I tune it out and tune in, rather, to cheap and irelevant entertainment?

It is also a question of self-control. Hulu has a function that enables you to continuously stream one show right after another, and since the shows are created to leave you with a cliffhanger each time, you find yourself thinking, "well, one more episode... I want to find out what happens to so-and-so in this episode." Next thing you know, three or four episodes later, you're exhausted, your sink is full of dishes, and you head to bed, still agitated by the incident in the subway or the disagreement at the staff meeting.

I begin each morning with scripture and prayer, and I close off each night with more prayer and reading. I think of God and godly things throughout my day, and I often find myself in ministry situations that I had not planned or expected.  I work hard, and by most peoples' assessment, in both public and private, I live a godly life. I don't have hidden junk in my life that I'm afraid people will discover. What you see with me is really what you get (after all, I'm pretty open about my weaknesses and struggles...)

But one of my goals this year is that I would live each moment with intention and care. When I watch TV, which I will do, I want it to be something that is done with self-control and intention, and not something I do every single night to check out after a hard day.

Because sometimes, the difference between the spring of living water and a broken cistern that can hold no water is hard to spot. Sometimes what feels like it would be relaxing and refreshing is actually only sapping more life out me, and the thing that seems like it would require a lot of me (reading scripture, praying) is actually something where the Holy Spirit does pretty much all the work, and I just allow myself to be carried along in his river of grace.

So tonight I am saying no to the broken cistern, as tempting as it is to just check out/turn off/veg. I'm going to sit on the couch with my dog and cat and read for a bit, rather than watch more TV. Perhaps I'll go to bed a bit earlier than usual - I could really use some sleep. 

After all, I don't want to wake up again tomorrow with a mouthful of sand.