Welcome Graduates and Honored Guests.

Whoever voted for me to speak at your commencement made a grave mistake. I will not be giving you tepid advice for the future. I will not mention your square cardboard hats. I am certain to offend some of you, and while I’m moralizing, I will be convicted of my certain hypocrisy. As for quotes by famous people, there will be none; the temptation of plagiarism was too great.

If a motivational speech married your mother’s lecture (who ate Hallmark cards for breakfast all during her pregnancy), they’d give birth to a typical commencement address. So first, let’s get the metaphors out of the way. You can pick which ones you like best. You graduates are a lot like (eagles / shooting stars / Olympians), and as you leave today, you will want to (soar / fly / blossom). Life is a lot like (opening a gift / reading a book/ traveling the world) and you will certainly discover that the world is your (rainbow / oyster / treasure map).

As for wisdom, let me tell you that you will spend a great deal of your life waiting in lines. Be ready for this. During those accumulated hours, you have several choices, all valuable to some degree. First, you can daydream. Daydreaming has value because what else can give your imagination a workout while doing something as mundane as waiting for the DMV attendant to give you a clipboard? Second, you can observe people although this will most certainly depress you. Even so, people-watching will make you sharply aware of your own, often underestimated, attractiveness, and more importantly, it will let you see how remarkable the love of God toward mankind really is.

Thirdly, you can pray while you’re waiting in lines. Prayer is one of those activities that everyone wants to do, but few participate in it fully. This might offend you, but prayer to empty gods is foolish. Before you invest a lot of time in prayer, first figure out whom you’re praying to. Not every god is a worthwhile recipient.

Now that you have your academic degree out of the way, your education can officially begin. Ugly and difficult circumstances make the best instructors, but you can also earn credit hours while staring at the ocean,  reading good books, or just playing with children. The good news is that you won’t have to pay for your education with real money anymore. It will only cost you the years of your life.

As for miscellaneous advice, don’t marry anyone for his or her perceived hotness and try not to skip church. Hold on to your money loosely because it’s just money. Anticipate just how hard it is to love people and love them anyway. Avoid cheap hotels and fast food whenever you can. Don’t tell people what to do (unless they are your children under the age of 18 or you’ve been asked to give a commencement address. After that, you’ll just have to white-knuckle it while keeping quiet).

Finally, search for God diligently, and you will find him.

In conclusion, I’d like to say that I stole this commencement address from an obscure blogger named Caroline Ferdinandsen, and since she is not a public speaker, she gave anyone permission to use it at anytime, as long as the speechmaker gave her credit.

I wish you the best, Graduates. Go in peace.