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I had this friend named Collette. I met her in a creative writing class at my junior college. As I recall she had written a story which turned out to be a thinly veiled story about herself, in which the main character was dealing with some conflict with her husband. I mentioned in the feedback that the story was frightening, to see such a clear example of spousal abuse, and she came and talked to me afterward, to ask if I really thought what she had written about constituted abuse. I told her I thought it did, and in some mysterious way this caused us to become friends. That's my first memory of Collette. Over the years we kept in touch occasionally. Krista and I both briefly worked at the same school as Collette. She got our newsletter, and she and I would send notes back and forth on Facebook. She sent me theological questions every once in a while, and made funny comments on my profile about as often. A few years ago I visited her at her house, and hung out with her and her kids. Collette was a sweet, loving, patient woman, with a lot of ability to endure difficult things without realizing they were difficult. She wrestled with tough questions, but with an underlying certainty of God's goodness. She was friendly, and pleasant, and kind. She had a sincere faith in Jesus Christ, and spoke about him often and with great affection. I considered her a friend, and I like to think she considered me a friend, too. And that's about all I can share here about Collette. This last Monday Collette decided for some reason I cannot fathom that it would be best if she took her own life. How I feel about this is complex. I think it's safe to say that the first thing I feel is regret. I wish she had called me and I had been able to talk to her about whatever it was that made her think this was a good idea. I wish I had known her better, had been a close enough friend that she would have even thought about calling me. I was in her town the day she did it. I wish I had thought, somehow, to call her. I wish it had crossed my mind. Related to that, and intertwined with it, is the sadness and a sense of loss. When someone is gone, there's a realization that I can't call her now. I left a note on her wall on facebook, but that's more for me than for her. She's not checking her messages anymore. Or, well, I don't really know how that works. But there's this moment in the feelings of loss where I just want to go back and remember every insignificant conversation we ever had. I want to re-read our dumb facebook notes to each other. I want to double check her theological questions and see if I missed a warning sign. I want to make sure to remember every last thing I knew about her, because that's all that's left of her, for me. And then there's this next-to-last feeling that I'm not sure how to express because it seems wrong to say. I know it's normal and even expected, but I am really angry at Collette, too. Killing herself was selfish, pretty much the most self-involved thing she could have done. It doesn't change that I liked her, or that she was a great person, but I just don't understand how she left her kids behind, and left all of us behind without a goodbye and without asking for our help. Or maybe she did, and I wasn't close enough to be in that circle. The last thing, Collette, is that I'm glad you're beyond this now. What I mean is, I know you're in the arms of Jesus, and even now he's wiping the tears from your eyes and showing you that all those years you spent broken and worried and hurt and abused and crushed and uncertain of your own value, that all those things are a million years behind you and you are in a place where you can experience (at last) perfect love and see yourself the way our Creator sees you. I'm very, very thankful for that. I wish you could have found a big enough piece of that here, but I'm glad you're in the arms of our savior now. So. Rest in peace, my friend. I will pray for your children and family, and I hope to see you well and whole when next we meet. Your friend, Matt |
Comments
This is the most upsetting post I've read at Conversant Life. I do not mean "upsetting" in any sense that involves anger, at least not with any anger towards Collette, the author, or the husband, whom I do not know. It's more tragic, and extremely sad. I doubt that it is always (or even usually) appropriate to understand someone's act of suicide as "selfish." Suicide can be selfish, but I doubt that this is the typical case. While certainly foreseably painful for others (sometimes devastatingly so), this doesn't imply that the act is selfish. An act is selfish only if it implies an inappropriate lack of consideration for others, and a lack of consideration for which the agent herself can be faulted or blamed. I don't think this is necessarily the case in suicide. But this is also not to suggest that someone else is, or would be, at fault for Collette's suicide. The world itself is not so perfect. We can accept the full tragedy of suicide without having to find someone upon whom to hang blame.
Personally, I think that anger is a normal, understandable and even healthy response to losing someone this way and also think that such an act certainly qualifies as "an inapporopriate lack of consideration for others." The percentage rate of suicide is higher amongst those who are related to someone who has killed themselves. Without thinking about it, this poor woman (and I do feel so much tenderness and compassion for her, I wish she had called someone) has exposed her children to something that they now have to carry with them as they grow and experience perhaps equally heartbreaking disappointments and injuries. She has run the risk of making suicide an acceptable solution to feeling pain. Allowing oneself to feel angry makes room for the conviction that this was not an acceptable means of escape. This was not the right path to have chosen.
Hey CT and Emily--
Thanks so much for your comments. CT, I think it's pretty hard for me to get beyond the fact of suicide in most cases and certainly in this one being a selfish act. I don't think it necessarily entails blame as a part of that. I know a lot of details about Collette's life that would make it seem, perhaps, "reasonable" for her to consider this course of action. But at the end of the day I can't see where this was in any way considering the needs of her children, for instance, even setting aside her extended family and many friends. She chose her needs (whatever they were and however compelling) over the needs of her kids. Which is not to say that she was even necessarily completely rational at the time, I recognize that may not have been the case....
And I think Emily is hitting more at my reason for posting this. The thoughts I shared here are the simple reality of how I am feeling as I am processing my friend's death. I think too often this is something that isn't expressed clearly in western Christian society, and I wanted to take a chance to share openly about it.
I appreciate your thoughts and comments and would welcome your prayers for my friend's kids particularly. Thanks!
This line has the most impact for me..."Collette was a sweet, loving, patient woman, with a lot of ability to endure difficult thIngs without realizing they were difficult." Perhaps she was in a coping mode, for as long as she was able. We change the things we can and accept the things we can't. The suicide may be linked to the fact that she no longer could accept the things she couldn't change.
I didn't really feel it was appropriate to share all the details related to the how and why, but certainly this was part of it. Thanks for sharing your insights...
I read this twice last night while pretty bushed from a long work day.
Was thinking of it again this morning, and just now re-read it to be sure of the authors comments.
What's interesting is, others seemed to have picked up on this too:
I hear the word 'selfish' being used, and I hear that someone was angry at this person as being 'normal,' or even 'expected.'
Without going to great lengths to document it, I've dealt a lot with folks who are suicidal, who have failed in holding on against it, who have succeded in feeling better and working through / overcoming what was causing them to feel this way, (etc.) -and have been close to people who have done this, or their familes.
Never once have I felt it proper, or even acceptable to be angry at someone who is suicidal.
...oh, you hear it all the time in psycho-babble, but, never once has it seemed appropriate (if) the person is actually being considered.
When you understand what is happening? -being angry at them just doesn't make sense from even the slightest point of compassion.
That there are descriptive 'qualifying,' and endearing observations that
'you' had of this person, (though warming and heartbreaking,) really don't even play into it.
-Those are 'your' feelings about her,
those are 'your' ways of knowing her,
those are 'your' stances and 'your' desires to communicate,
wish 'you'd' done better,
'your' reviewing what went wrong,
wanting her to call 'you,'
'you' wishing 'you'd' seen something and acted...
Honestly?,
not to be nasty, --but I see a lot of self in those things.
--And if this is one of those
'what can we learn, how can we prevent this,' sort of discussions?
Then I think we need to do a catch and release here.
--If the perceptions that you're wrestling with are accurate?
You screwed up.
The people around her screwed up.
No one recognized this, apparently,
---but you saw enough to know that her life was troubled, and (now) know that you should have done something...
(Right?)
(20-20 hindsight rarely comes out of nowhere...)
But like I said..
it's 'catch and release,'
I'm not looking to paint and blame you... I'm pointing something out here.
--We need to that train of thought and derail it away from the 'blame' thing
--('being angry at her' (which is blaming, make no doubt about it,) has to go.
When people commit suicide, often they've been wrestling for a long time.
Yes, some do so impulsively,
--but overall?
They're overwhelmed, tired, and simply can't take it anymore.
They're swimmers who go under. (whether quietly amidst cello solos or violently off a bridge in traffic... (whatever external imagery we need to see her to justify our feelings and give some sort of context,,,, fine.)
--But they've gone under after ....trying.
(that should summon not just alarm, but compassion.)
(Further)
For a woman, and a Mom to do this?
-even more telling.
I've seen the most awful parents,
when faced with no longer caring for their children? (for whatever reason)
become absolute tigers,
--if 'anyone else raising their kids' was suggested.
Moms just don't back out on mothering... (In fact, do some homework, a lot of women and men who struggle with thoughts of ending it all?
Stay on as long as they can -BECAUSE- they don't want to do this to their kids, and BECAUSE they know their kids need them.) I've seen people go for decades hanging onto this reality and be little more than the walking dead, -save for their children and families needing them...
So for this person to choose to die, as a way of suffering, --with this situation as it was?
She had to be in tremendous pain, and that was all she saw.
Now...
here's where there can be 'blame,' if we're going to be honest about it.
-Why would a person,
(if) they have people who are acting in the ways of Christ,
(if) in fellowship with people who are acting as Christ,
-not be able to open up,
-not be able to seek and find real hope,
-not be noticed by anyone with their own observation/insights
-not be observed and have someone who is filled with the Spirit directed to them, (in other words, not human intuition, --but God himself giving someone an insight '...person in distress, help them, go now...'
HOW did all this happen and this person still choose to die?
I mean, (again, do homework,) --People who commit suicide, most often have 'very good reasons' that are working on them, --and have been showing signs of struggle for quite some time, ---HOW is it that these signs were not seen by anyone, (if) that person had the most basic of intimate and caring relationships in their life?
--And that's where we (the church, those who are inhabited by the Holy Spirit, who are seeking to love others as Christ did --not in some lofty saying (but) real concrete sense...
--THAT is where we really need to get past our own 'selfishness' --and be able to recognize the condition of others... --(if there's any anger, perhaps beside who or what was treating this person so that they felt that dying was the only way out... it would be directed towards the circle of friends (church, socially, etc.) who failed at keeping this person afloat longer, and really assisting her with what was weighing her down... (That's where 'angry' makes sense.)
But even that... honestly, isn't completely true.
People are complex.
You mentioned that this person was in an abusive relationship.
(I'm glad that they got out of it, (I'm assuming they did,)
--but what causes a person to be in such a thing, really ties in with suicidal ideology or feelings...
Whether it's chicken or egg in terms of what preceeds, a person who is mistreated eventually accepts that such is how it should be.. (whether they had feelings that caused them to 'look for this' initially or not,)
--and those personal opinions that go from active worthlessness to somehow feeling 'right' about punishment, build and all come from somewhere... and that somewhere is also where 'suicidal,' lives.
It's not 'a better self-esteem,' that people need, it's to told who they are in Gods eyes, actively demonstrated that by a loving body of believers and friends, (and) continued on into that way of life, --instead-- to the degree that choosing to die would seem absurd.
(Yes, it's an outside influence affecting the inner person,
--but at the same time, it's working in communion with the HolySpirit convincing this person from their inner self as well...) It's how the 'Gospel,' is introduced and spread on it's most basic levels...
It's not perfect... not every person is turned around, --but that is actually how this sort of path is 180'd.
In a way, we never really know why a person chooses to die, rather than live any further, --the answers and causes are always very complex.
But in a way?
The answer is quite simple: what they were facing (further) in the day to day was too much to bear, and, having no hope, just wanted 'out.' (Which is not only very painful, but quite fatal.)
--So we, if we care and are wishing to stop this? Know all that we NEED to know, and what to look for and go after...
I don't see anything in the mannerisms and behavior of Christ that would lead me to think that He would be 'angry' with this person, --and therefore don't see it as being justifiable...
I don't even think it is normal, to be honest... Sad, heartbroken, completely thrown sideways, feeling like a failure to really help and recognize someones distress...
-yeah...
ALL that.
Angry at the demons that whispered this solution into her ears?
certainly.
But not angry at someone for succumbing.
-that's extremely innapropriate.. I don't care how 'justified and allowed to be had one's feelings are... it's just a wrong response, tells more about the person 'feeling it,' and needs to be worked through and abandoned, (period.)
The modern church seems to have overlooked a couple of things:
-We're here to be an actual family and network of demonstrated caring for each other, (and the size of the present church is huge... massive compared to any earlier era... --yet we're the least personal and least effective in being sensitive, insightful, and effective at ministering (past our own individual sensitivities.) It's rare to find complete 'honesty,' in conversation in the average church setting anymore, actually.
-We're also forgetting that on at least one occasion, (arguably) one of the greatest figures of a transformed life (St. Paul,) also speaks of how (both) he, and his fellow servants 'were despairing of life.'
-so even a Believer being suicidal is not unheard of from the earliest days of the church...
What was it that caused him to have a hope to continue?
How do we believe that ourselves, and know how to convey and bring that hope to others who have lost theirs?
--and what are we believeing in (these days,) where no hope can be found and conveyed?
I know this: We're never going to be able to approach this, nor find it (until) we wipe out any stance of 'anger' 'blaming,' and consider a person in such dire straits as 'selfish.'
I know this as well,
-for an era where the Bible is the most well known and the most available, -and Christianity to be found in more flavors than Snapple... we're woefully dificient in being able to really minister (and) catch cases such as this...
(and)
we're in an era as a nation (and world) where so much that people put their hopes in, --has failed, (including the church.)
Again... what brought St. Paul through?
Eric,
Hey, thanks for the comment, I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.
Just to clarify, I never said I was angry at Collette for being suicidal. I'm angry that she committed suicide. I think that's an important distinction.
I'm surprised that you've never run into someone who was angry at a friend or family member for committing suicide. In my experience, that's not psycho-babble, that's just reality. Maybe people don't feel comfortable sharing that with you because you'll... well, give them a long speech about how it's wrong that they feel that way? That it's "extremely inappropriate"?
As for Christ being angry at people who are suicidal, well, we don't really have much evidence one way or the other in scripture, do we? But I do know that God is serious about people not harming the image of God, and that includes self harm. And in case it didn't come across in the post, I certainly do feel compassion for Collette and her family, but that doesn't preclude me from having other feelings simultaneously.
I think maybe you started sharing a lot of your thoughts about suicide at some point and not responding to my post (I'm assuming that because you started talking about things I didn't... for instance, I'm certainly not suggesting that believers can't be suicidal or commit suicide. I think it's clear in my post that I believe and have believed that Collette is a Christian). I'm glad to hear your thoughts, though, and glad you shared them.
Lastly, I'll just point out that I never said that my feelings were selfless. Of course they are self-focused. That's part of expressing grief. I'm sharing how *I* am feeling. I don't need to think about, for instance, Collette's feelings at this point, as she and I have no way of communicating about such things and she is being comforted by Someone far more adept at it than I.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I really do appreciate you taking the time to share them in such detail, and I know you are trying to help. Thanks for that.
Matt
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