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So there I was sitting in church. I’m not going to say I was diligently taking notes, but I was paying attention. As our pastor was wrapping up the sermon on this communion Sunday, he held up a piece of bread, broke it, and instructed us to come forward to receive the elements. The band played a song about Christ’s blood and people began walking forward. I glanced up from my aisle seat and out of the corner of my eye saw something that prompted me to immediately get up and join the line. It wasn’t a vision and it certainly wasn’t the Holy Spirit moving… It was a girl. A girl’s ass to be more specific. I saw it, got up, and followed it to the alter. So much for the Lord’s instructions: “Do this in remembrance me.”
 Of course nothing happened. I am pretty awkward around girls but I know enough not to hit on one in the communion line. So I took my cracker and shot glass of grape juice back to my seat and sat there alone with my dirty thoughts; The body and blood of my Lord and Savior resting in my hands, staring up at me, judging me. I lowered my head to pray but couldn’t. Why should God listen to me? He knew the impure motives which led to my procuring of His body and blood. He knew I was more interested in a close-up view of a first-class butt than a ceremony to remember His greatest sacrifice. But I ate the cracker and gulped the juice like a good Christian does…content that God would be the only one who would ever know about the lust in my heart. And then – I began to cry. I was crying for a lot of reasons – but mainly because I became rather disgusted with myself. And then I cried more. So much in fact, that I could no longer hide it. I got out of my seat and walked to the back of the sanctuary, leaned against the wall and slumped to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head hoping I could block out everyone else in the building, including God. I suddenly understood why Adam and Eve tried to hide from God in the Garden of Eden. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had brought my lust into church and even more ashamed that it was the very thing that prompted me to join the communion line. But mostly I was ashamed that God had seen the whole thing. After a few moments a pastor came up and put his arm around me. He didn’t say anything. He just let me cry. When I finally composed myself I told him what had prompted the tears. He chuckled. He said he was glad I was feeling convicted, but reminded me that I was normal, and not alone. I think back on that day a lot. Not because I’m proud, but because I’m thankful. I am thankful for a church that allows breakdowns like mine and embraces me in the midst of them. I am thankful for a God who does the same. But what I am most thankful for is the beautiful grace that welcomes me at the alter no matter what brought me there. Forgiveness that follows me no matter what path (or person) I choose to pursue, and redemption that covers me like a blanket even when I’m desperately trying to hide from the God who gives it to me. |
Comments
Hey, Matt--
I've been reading and enjoying your blogs. You bring an honesty and a transparency (and a wicked sense of humor) that's refreshing. You also bring some important points to light--as you did in this post.
But, my brother, that image of the women? Really? I'd hate to think you're going to let the sensational/shocking substitute for intelligence and creativity (because it seems you have both intelligence and creativity in great quantities).
You may not agree with my objection, and you don't have to. But as a woman, I just felt the urge to say something.
Barb
Barb -
Thanks for the comment. And thanks for reading.
Perhaps I have been completely desensitized by the media (and the gossip mags in the grocery store) but I was under the impression that image was pretty tame.
If I wanted to pull in readers based on the image, trust me, there was far worse to choose from.
Matt,
Thanks for being so honesty with everyone about the inner battle that goes on in all of our hearts daily. It may not be with lust, but if you are honest with yourself anyone can fill in the blank. Your post was great because it was real and it was inspirational in that you did not let the Devil win. My only suggestion is to drop the ass word so that people can't just write you off because you have a profanity. If someone stops reading halfway through your blog it doesn't really do much good.
-Tyler
I respectfully ask that you remove or edit this post so as not to include the suggestive photo and the crude juxtaposition of the word "ass" and a reference to Christ's literal pouring out of Himself for us. I really do appreciate your honesty about your struggle here. But the title made me feel like throwing up, like someone was mocking Christ's very blood that saves me. I have no doubt this wasn't your intention, but I hope that you will reconsider. I know we live in an age where it's "OK" to be crass to make a point, but is it worth it? Thank you for your consideration.
Respectfully,
---Liz---
Matt,
I agree with Tyler...you should probably not have "ass" in the title. I don't think you did anything wrong, but people will be (and already are) hung up on it.
It's sad to think that someone would miss the point of your post because you included one word they aren't comfortable with. Imagine if the early churches had of done this with Paul's letters when he spoke graphically about sin or liberally about women's cultural roles. They would have really missed out.
If someone is offended by that word being there--enough to openly complain about it--I'm afraid they're missing out and some are even tearing you down with their judgement in the process. It's probably worth it to pull the word and reach as many people as you can with your powerful message of shame, brokenness, forgiveness, reserving judgement, and unconditional love.
Hell, if anybody needs to hear it, it's the people who are mad that my sentence just started with Hell.
God Bless, you Matt. You're doing great stuff on this website!
-BD
oh and one more thing: that picture isn't inappropriate. come on...
I wasn’t planning on weighing in on your blog, Matt, but I’m compelled. Here’s a thought to throw into the conversation.
It’s obvious that HOW you packaged an important theme (the collision of sin and the sacred) has polarized your audience. It’s important to understand why. The moment I saw your title and photo, I knew that it wouldn’t be the ideas in your essay that would get to people. It's not even the use of this word or that word, or which picture to use. Instead, we’re trying to figure out if honesty should always be the highest trump card.
This should not be a divide between young and old, or between honest and naïve, or between relevant and outdated. The divide, as I see it, occurs in our own convictions. As someone with a sharp tongue and eye for the ironic, I understand how you arrived at your title. But I also think that your comment about being “desensitized” is more telling than you think. If you and I are working out our convictions privately, then honesty is a powerful trump card. But the public marketplace changes the rules of the card game. In public spaces, it’s better to give the sacred the higher value. In a head-to-head game, sacred beats coarse. That just makes sense to me, even though I have to admit I haven't always followed the logic myself.
(On a side note, I find it interesting that young people rally around each other when one of their own is "scolded" for something they deem unjustified. Older people do the same thing for different causes. We're all so much more alike than we think.)
Mrs. Ferd -
I appreciate your comments as well.
I have to say I feel as though I got thrown into two completely different debates at once.
As for the word choice in the title... I will admit that it was picked partially to catch the eyes of readers and draw them in. (For some it seems to be doing just that - for others it seems to be doing the opposite.) I don't have a problem with the word - but I completely understand that many people might - especially when it is sitting next to the words "His body and blood".
All this to say - I will most likely change the title. However, if the actual Jesus can hug a prostitute and a tax collector - I have a hard time believing there is anything wrong with His name resting against the word "ass".
As for the image, well - that one I am going to have to stick to my guns on. Not because I am particularly fond of it - but merely because I truly believe there is nothing suggestive about it. I think men are more likely to lust looking at the Land 'O Lakes woman on the container of margerine.
As for honesty trumping the sacred - I'm not sure that was the hand I played.
After all, Christianity is: the sacred colliding with the sinful.
To put in very simple terms: Jesus and I.
And this blog was nothing more than an account of that collision.
Well said. You explained your convictions here very well. It helps to see your thinking process. (Remember that when we write stuff, there's bound to be a disconnect at times between our intentions when we wrote it and how each reader sees/interprets the meaning. You see a natural connection between Jesus and sin while others see sacrilege) Ah, see how this exchange is part of having a conversant life? We're helping the website live up to its name!
BD -
Thank you for the comment. Once again, I appreciate it a lot.
The encouragement came at the right time.
I would like to think my blog has a decent message, but you do have to read the whole thing to get it. Perhaps the title is just distracting enough that people aren't making it to the end...
I take to heart both your encouragement and your advice.
Thanks brother.
Matt
I don't appreciate being labeled "judgmental" just because I have a different viewpoint than others on this site. This site is supposedly about promoting conversation and discussion, and yet the first time a few readers dare to actually disagree with something said/done, people make the assumption that 1) those in disagreement are just "mad" and "judgmental" and 2) they were blinded by that judgement so much so that that they miss the point of the blog. I'm no Einstein, but trust me, I was smart enough to catch Matt's message in between the crass verbiage and--surprise--I don't disagree at all with his message. I made it clear that I appreciated his honesty. I think it's courageous of him to admit a struggle that no doubt every man--and woman--on the planet has dealt with. I love the fact that he pointed to God's forgiveness. But in responding to the post, I also shared MY opinion that putting the phrase "her ass" next to a reference to Christ's atonement is over the line. Obviously, this is somewhat a matter of personal taste. But I would challenge all of us to contemplate the holiness of God and His name in light of Scripture.
I know we live in a culture where we don't respect anyone. We used to have respect for the elderly. Men used to stand up when women entered the room. The Israelites so respected the very name of Yahweh that they didn't dare speak it out loud. That is because we worship a God who is holy. If you're comfortable assuming that Jesus would be OK with his "body and blood" being mentioned right alongside "her ass," that's your business. But I, along with others, find it offensive. We worship a God of love, but also a Holy God of justice. Remember, Jesus didn't show love to the prostitutes and tax collectors because He thought it would be super cool of Him to hang out with them. He wanted to redeem them. He loved them too much to leave them in their sin. We are called to "be Holy, for I am Holy." Put simply, Christians have a higher calling. I felt the way this subject was handled fell short of that, and I said so. Having a moral conviction doesn't make me judgmental.
---Liz---
Liz -
I really appreciate your comments. I hope you believe that.
And I agree - having moral convictions does not make you judgemental.
I also agree with you about this website. It is indeed "about promoting conversation and discussion".
I think that is why a few people were surprised that you asked me to remove my blog. It is hard to discuss a blog that isn't posted.
I appreciate and respect your opinions. I agree we serve a holy God, who deserves our reverance. I believe I was honoring Him with my blog by telling a story of my journey with Him - but your opinions to the contrary are never unwelcome.
Matt,
I appreciate the MESSAGE of your blog post. What I got out of it was the beauty of God's grace, something I need daily. Thank you for sharing your experience and how God met you in that moment! :)
I hesitated on commenting on this post for a while. I don't want you to feel ganged up on or that I am being judgmental in any way. I only am going to share what I am feeling because I am excited about Conversantlife.com and I care deeply about the content that appears on the site.
I too was offended at the use of the word "a$$" right next to the words "His body and blood." For me, it wasn't a good word picture or image in my mind. I realize it may not bother everyone, but it affected me. I think it's good to remember and think about "Jesus body and blood" just like when we take communinion, as you were mentioning in your blog. But when the word "a$$" is thrown in right next to that, it felt irreverant to me, along with the image of the girls in short skirts. I was sad and discouraged about it because I didn't see the need for it. I think your message is more powerful without the image of the girls. It's sort of like when I see movies and realize the movie would be just as good, if not better, without certain scenes.
Would you consider changing or taking the image of the girls off? I know you've mentioned "sticking to your guns" on it, but coming from me, another concerned "Conversant user" and sister in Christ, would you re-consider?
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Matt --
Wow. Seems like you got sucked into a discussion that you didn't intend to initiate. Your posts suggests you wanted to discuss how God's grace and forgiveness are sufficient to cover our lust and depravity (made all the worse when you're standing in the communion line). Instead, the chain of comments centers on what constitutes sacrilege. Implicit in those comments is the issue of whether a believer (you) should comply with the respectful requests of other believers to change what they (but not you) consider to be sacrilegious.
Speaking for myself, I didn't find the picture to be sacrilegious. In an attempt to see if you could have done better (meaning find a more moderate photo), I searched Google images for "girls' butts" -- based on what I found, I think you showed great restraint. Your photo looked like something from a Target ad. No problems with me on that one. (Sidebar: Apparently the people who objected to the picture on your post never saw the photo with all the boobage in the Jan 13th post on the Countdown to 30 blog. Maybe they never read that blog. Or, maybe they didn't find those pectoralis gigantis to be offensive because they were juxtaposed with Christ on the cross -- which leads to my point below.)
Again, speaking for myself, your use of the "A" word in the title was startling, but I don't find it sacrilegious. Yes, there is a jolting juxtaposition with "His Body and Blood," but I like the juxtaposition (in light of your message). Certainly the precious beauty of the Gospel -- Christ on the cross -- was the world's greatest moment of sacrilege. And that was the message that I got from your post -- that God's love, mercy, grace and forgiveness are revealed in the moments of our depraved sacrilege.
So, no worries for me with the title and photo. But now I turn to the topic that seems to have overshadowed the points you intended to make. I think the comments posted are certainly respectful; they appear to come from mature believers. And you seem to be a thoughtful and respectful mature believer. So, should you make the changes requested (i.e., delete the post, remove the photo, change the title) in a display of respect for those folks? Or -- assuming they believe that the aspects offensive to them were included by you in a sincere attempt to articulate your spiritual convictions of that very personal episode -- should they applaud you for your honesty (which they have done) but refrain from asking you to subscribe to their personal settings on the sacrilege meter?
In other words, should you respect their gauge of sensitivities, or should they respect yours? Interesting question? Sorry I don't have a definitive answer.
I don't wear a covering on my head when I enter church for worship. Some would consider that action sacrilegious. I don't. Although I respect their sincerely held beliefs, I do not feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to make an adjustment for their sake. I am hoping that they will grant me grace sufficient to encompass my viewpoint. Maybe a head-covering isn't a fair comparison to use of the "A" word, but I don't consider either of them trivial because they both involve strongly held beliefs on each side of the issue. For me, I think the overall impact of your message would have been diluted if the title had been "His Body and Blood -- Her Caboose." The crassness of your title seemed to point to the crassness of your thoughts. Maybe I'd be a better Christian if I viewed all of my sins as being as sacrilegiously offensive to God as your title portrays.
I'm enjoying this site's experience because it causes me to think. Your post and the responsive comments have done that again for me. So, thanks to all those who spoke their hearts and mind on this issue. It doesn't seem that you are offended by the comments your received; I hope they won't be offended if you choose not to make any changes. Isn't it great that God loves us all and allows us to express our faith in different ways.
Boston U Diva -
Thanks for your comments (and your support). I appreciated so much of what you said I don't think I would even know where to begin. And I am very glad you did that google image search. I had to do quite a few before I found the image I chose.
Thanks for reading and commenting. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Boston U Diva,
I actually have seen the Jan 13th post you referenced, and never commented on it for the same reason I almost didn't comment on this one - I didn't want to come across as judgmental in any way. I am truly sorry if that is how I came across, because that's the last thing that I want to be. I only was trying to point out how the image and a-word affected me, and that I perhaps may not be the only one. And I realize many people may not be offended by it at all. I do appreciate the message that Matt was getting at - it's very powerful. Just wondered if the image and word used was necessary. I do want to thank Matt for changing the title in consideration of all this.
Abby -- I never thought -- and certainly didn't mean to imply -- that yours or any other comment came across as judgmental. This appears to be a fairly safe place to express such opinions; if we as Christians are supposed to build up each other, then we are each doing our part when we converse on spiritual themes in this manner. I think this is a healthy experience for us as Christians as we communicate openly and honestly about issues such as sacrilege. As sisters and brothers in Christ, we should seek to understand and be understood by each other. I thought all of the comments were respectful, and while they represent different points of view, I believe God has been pleased with this dialogue.
I could not agree more, Boston U Diva. This has been an amazingly engaging and productive dialog. It's what ConversantLife.com is supposed to be! I also believe God has been pleased, and I believe He has been honored. I am so impressed with the level of thought and maturity that has informed this entire discussion.
By the way, your first comments in this thread were extremely insightful. You write well!
Matt, thanks for your response. Sorry I haven't commented sooner (been sick as a dog), but I wanted to say I like the new title. And again, very meaningful story that you were willing to share. Thanks, and I'll keep reading. PS, love the alliteration in the title also!
---Liz---
OK I'm not sure if this is being posted as a response to another person's comment, or to the blog...I'm new. Anywho, I DO think honesty is one of the highest trump cards when it comes to writing. Especially journal-style writing. The whole point of your blog was to evoke universal feelings in readers/Christians, especially those around this age group. You wanted it to resonate with young singles who struggle and would probably appreciate feeling a little LESS alone in that struggle. Hence the word choice of "ass" is alright in my book. If people are busy getting hung up on a small bit of your diction, they're not getting the full resonance of your worldly struggle. The word actually BETTER conveys the level at which we come before God; at the altar or in our everyday walks. So personally, I LOVE the authenticity...and I'm not even offended by it on behalf of self-respecting ladies. I was actually more entertained than anything else. The best of godly guys have these struggles- we might as well get a glimpse of it so we can be real & supportive females in their lives. We have OUR hangups TOO.
Your blog is so outdated bro. Time to write another one.