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One of the issues I hear most in my work with twenty-somethings (and women in general) is, “I don’t have a boyfriend/husband.” Whether or not this is said out loud isn’t the issue, it is evident. Women across the board are told by our culture that we need a man to be complete. Recently, this is most evident by the latest Taylor Swift song to climb the charts: Love Story. I watched the video today and I got a huge knot in my stomach. So many people are in love with this song, so it’s very risky for me to write this – I don’t like this song, even though it's catchy. This blog comes at the end of a week where I saw women come into freedom. I saw women break out of the boxes that they had put themselves in. I want to go back to that place and create more places like that. But here is the reality… every day on my way to work, this song is played: Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I’ll be waiting… Romeo save me.The video paints an even more vivid picture of a castle, fancy dresses, a horse and something I can’t believe more parents aren’t freaking out about– Taylor picking cherries off a branch…. You’ve got to be kidding me! How sad that when people “get their prince” they will find out he’s not so charming and that in our own selves we all have an ugly stepsister who rears her head too. In reality, we’re not actual princesses, yet we want to be rescued, saved, captivated, and swept off our feet. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I love getting flowers. I even love Disneyland, but what I'm getting at is that my husband doesn't ride a white horse. I like authentic romance, not hallmark. One of my students came into my office yesterday after a professor had gone on a rabbit trail of, “God created each and every one of you to be married. There is a person out there for you.” This is a dangerous thing to say to college students let alone anyone. He went on to say that 90% of your happiness depends on who you marry. Who you marry is very important and certainly impacts happiness, but what my students tell me after instances like these is that to single women this communicates, "I can't be complete without someone else." I find it hard to believe he said this when even the apostle Paul says that it’s better to not walk down the aisle. So what do we do with this? God created us to be in community. We were not created to “go and get married.” I think if women were allowed to be whole without a man, or were whole when they met a man, the love story would not be one of waiting and saving… it would be one of completeness, of people living passionately because of the wholeness inside of them and with each other, not the hole-ness. Being happy wouldn’t be contingent on a ring because those of you who are married know that after the wedding is when the hard work of showing up to your marriage begins. God does know the desires of our hearts and this is not to say to stop getting married, rather it’s to point out that sometimes Taylor Swift songs have more influence on how we view love than the Bible does. God’s love is infinite. God’s love made Jesus die for us. God’s love meets us whenever wherever we are: broken, tired, hurting, happy, overwhelmed, and excited. |
Comments
Like you, Kristin, I get a strong reaction to the skewed, Twilight-loving worldview of so many girls today. But to defend their romantic dreams a bit, I think we have to respect the innate desire that so many people feel to be loved. The symbolism of fairy tales isn't always dangerous, especially if it means that girls view men as strong and courageous (a good thing, since those kind of men seem to be more rare these days).
Don't get me wrong; I'm in complete agreement with your premise--that to define ourselves solely through the lens of romantic love is narrow--but we don't want to go the other direction either by being cynical or jaded about love either (I don't think you're projecting that, but sometimes the line of reasoning takes us down that path.) As for the college professor who said that so much of our happiness depends on whom we marry, I doubt he or she meant that we can't be happy without it, or that we are pawns in the hands of our spouses. Perhaps he or she meant that covenant relationships influence our lives in very powerful ways (as they should).
Anyway, I enjoyed your post, but I just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective. Keep writing!
Thanks so much Caroline! I enjoy reading your blog as well. I appreciate your perspective and I completely agree with you. The sad part about this professor is that he is notorious for saying things like this... his intentions are not bad, but it leaves a lot women confused and questioning. I see a lot women who arrive in their 30s and 40s cynical because in their 20s they thought this (romantic love, stereotypes, what will fulfill them, etc.) was possible and I would like to help younger women figure out before then that romantic love isn't the only thing that will fill them, so they don't turn to cynicism later on. But yeah, I think we're totally on the same page and want the same for thing for women: to know they are loved.
Interestingly, I do not find the young women that I encounter (outside the church) expecting a prince charming. They have accepted a message that men are flawed, that they, as young and modern women, are capable and that they can do things for themselves. Unfortunately, in many cases, the result is that their standards for male behavior in their lives is very low - and frequently their low expectations have become no expectations. As a result, they view men as a means to fulfill their base needs and desires (sex, money, gifts) content with that in lieu of romance, love and respect. I am grateful for your post, and I recognize that you are likely talking about church-going girls, but I tell my girls that their is a prince charming out there (after an abusive marriage and years as a single mother I found mine 13 years ago). One that will love them, care for them, work on the marriage with them, etc. But, unlike that professor, I don't say they won't be happy unless they find him. Instead, I tell them, that they will not be happy if they settle for less.
Thanks for your insights Joan. Yes, I am working on an evangelical campus where "ring by spring" is in full effect right now :). I hear you though... there are two sides to every coin and that is a very true reality as well. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this Kristin. It really does make me sad to know that this really is what society is throwing at us. We are shown, every single day that we are supposed to be "paired up." I love relationships. I love being in one right now, but I do not feel that my boyfriend defines who I am or what I do with my life.
This whole thing reminds me of an old friend of mine, who is now engaged to be married. The couple has been together for many years, I believe around five now, and are so "desperately in love." Honestly I am very happy for them. but it makes me sad because a group of our friends has always said: "I'd hate it if it didn't work out between them because neither one of them has an identity apart from the other." What a sad thing. We are first and foremost individuals, and we do need relationships, but we are not defined by them.
Kristin, thank you again for another thoughtful installment. I have a few thoughts here. First, I should acknowledge that I also work at an evangelical Christian college, and so feel the full effects of "right by spring".
I agree with Joan that I think this emphasis on marriage as the fulfillment of "completeness" is most acutely felt in the faith-based arena. I can honestly, say that when I worked in non-faith based Higher Education, the same pressure was not an overwhelming feeling. The young female graduates were excited and apprehensive about the working world, the saying good-bye to dear friends, the stabilization of finances post college, the ending or long-distance ability of a romantic relationship, etc. -- but it was rare (VERY rare) to have a conversation that stemmed from anxiety concerning marriage as a means of "wholeness". My argument here does not lay with Christian Higher Education, but rather with the church.
I find it more and more difficult to be relevant in my church as a 27 year old single woman. The focus is on marriage as a natural part of God's plan for his people... most aptly supported by Paul's metaphoric reference of the marriage between Christ and his church. But this leaves single men and women out in the dark, searching for their place within the body. How am I to be fully part of the body, if the body is only waiting for me to be married? With the average age of marriage increasing, the church needs to consider how it not only appeals to post-college, single individuals, but also needs to re-examine the rightful place of the single person within the congregation. And I would argue, I hold the same place and value in the church as the married couple with three children.
I would argue that passionately as well - you do hold the same place and value in the church as the married couple or the single guy or the ___________. We all hold equal value - that is what makes God so incredible. I also see this phenomena in Christian higher ed and in churches... women do not feel as valuable because historically there has not been room other than potlucks and BSF... yes those are good things, but men have been given so much more opportunity and are not looked at the same when they decide they don't want to get married. In conversations I've had with women at my church, they have people come up to them and say, "why don't you have someone?" Or "I can set you up" rather than asking about them - their own person... it automatically depletes them, sometimes without even knowing because they feel that relationship will give them the acceptance they've been craving. Anyhow, I love your thoughts Deal! You're great! :)
yes,may be,There's no prince charming as you mate said;and charming would be making lots of money,right?