With the swine flu on its way off our radar and Sarah Palin’s book deal traipsing across the headlines, I happened to catch what her daughter was doing last week. Bristol Palin and Hayden Panettiere were another cause celeb hitting the news waves. What was their issue? Abstinence. The best way to prevent what happened to Bristol and a decision Hayden is telling people to be responsible about.
Here’s my question: What is abstinence? This word is thrown around so much, but the sad reality is teens and twentysomethings are not paying much attention, much less anyone else. It’s preached so much “don’t, don’t, don’t” that if anything is “done” it’s demonized. And mostly it is the women who are carrying around this weight. I’ve heard mainstream, celebrity, young women who have said they are virgins or “will wait,” but rarely (if ever) a guy. The promise ring has become an early status symbol of this pledge, and then what happens? As health surveys at Christian Colleges have revealed, more college students are having oral and anal sex because of these commitments and rings – they want to live up to the expectations…
A lot of the Christian women I talk to in their later twenties and early thirties fall into 2 camps: They are riddled with shame and guilt because of their escapades or they are sexually suppressed and confused because they never let themselves explore any form of their sexual identity. I sit with these women because there aren’t a whole lot of safe places to do so in Christian circles. We need a new conversation.
I admire Bristol and Hayden for doing what they are doing, but as quickly as they flashed across cnn.com, they are in and out of people’s minds and sadly the odds are stacked against them. I dream and wish for a place where women can talk about their bodies and learn to love and respect themselves. Only then can a woman say “no” with dignity and pride. Women have historically been told their bodies are vessels of temptation and should be covered up, so then they do, or they rebel and have skin spilling everywhere to get noticed, to gain attention, or to feel loved.
We try to pretend we can so easily get a piece of jewelry and deny part of who God made us to be, but people are confused, hurt, broken and feel unloved. I know because I was one who carried that shame and guilt for years. I knew in my head I was forgiven, but I couldn’t forgive myself. As I began my journey of healing and told my story, women opened up. They needed recovery, they needed safe places, they needed love.
They didn’t need another abstinence revolution, they needed a non-condemning pair of arms to hold them. The torture they had in their own souls was “don’t” enough. They didn’t need another face of “here’s what a mistake looks like.” They needed, as did I, to see faces of women who were strong, who knew themselves, and knew they were loved.
So here we are, still sitting with the age-old questions – how far is too far? What ring will I pick out? Am I pregnant? What did I just do? Why haven’t I ever kissed someone? It’s time for real conversations, real life, so please don’t abstain from that. Listen to one another, hold one another up and love one another; how much better off would we be?
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Comments
Well Ms Ritzau you are at it again -
not only was I given a diamond promise ring from my boyfriend of 4 years, but also a silver band with the inscription "promise of purity' etched on the inside.
Needless to say, we are no longer together, the diamond was sold to a pawn shop and the promise of purity was lost in the mere matter of a week. . .
Yes, I do believe in abstinence, I look forward to the day when my husband and I finally unite in that sacred and traditional union of woman and man, husband and wife...
I am now engaged [to a man who also believes in 'waiting for marriage'] and will be married in less than three months
HOWEVER
I have hormones
and he is horny
HOW do you deal with that!!!!
I have needs of intimacy, touching, caressing -
and he wants to mate!
its a relief to find a space where this can be shared and talked about
whether liberal or conservative -
virgin or non virgin
we are sexual beings
Sexuality is not an on/off switch. Never has been, never will be. Abstinence--just like all other forms of moral self-control--is entirely unnatural, and that's exactly the point of Christ's redemption. Apart from the mysterious spiritual transformation of a heart and soul, sexual purity is doomed, and that's why we have a boatload of technical virgins with the souls of harlots. I agree that we haven't done a very good job of talking about this with a new language.
At the same time, I resist too much redefinition. The biblical record speaks too clearly about sexual boundaries for me to draw up my own plans on the matter. But I would rather we talk about what identifies a sexually healthy Christian man or woman. I can tell you what it's NOT, and that is someone who merely keeps his hands and body to himself. That's the pharisees' answer, and we know how Jesus felt about their definitions of righteousness.
To mothers and fathers, pastors and mentors . . . let's give our sons and daughters something more substantial to talk about.
Hi Caroline: "The souls of harlots?" What the heck is that?
I was referring to the OT references to God's people becoming figurative harlots (i.e. breaking covenant with God, defiling the purity of the covenant, etc.) We put the emphasis on the virgin (physical) check-off box and de-emphasize the spiritual covenant. In a weird irony, you can be a virgin and a harlot at the same time??? I hope that wasn't even more confusing!
"They didn’t need another abstinence revolution, they needed a non-condemning pair of arms to hold them."
Why not both? Are they mutually exclusive?
Hey everyone thanks for your comments! Christie - thanks so much for your words of encouragement and authenticity with the issue. Love you!
Caroline - I hear ya! let's have more conversations! :) I think I was a little confused by the soul of harlots comment as well... I understand what you're getting at, but at the same time, that's the issue that needs redefining... like the pharisees, at least in the church I grew up, I was taught that flesh is evil, and sinful... more harlots talk... then after I got married, I was told, it was all just supposed to make sense.... it didn't... women's bodies are objectified, covered up and the "slut and horror" language is everywhere..., so in a way we do need a redefinition, but more so of self-respect, femininity, and sexuality. I'm not saying go take off your clothes and dress slutty in any regard, but I think the abstinence dialogue is tired at least with the young people I work with.
Mama Manifesto.. My comments up above might help, but in addition to that, a friend of mine is doing her dissertation on abstinence movements and the data that she is collecting, as others have as well, actually shows that more than half walk away from their pledge... they do not work. A lot of people end up doing oral and anal sex (as someone put it "freaky sex") because of their "purity". It ends up hurting a lot of women and men. I heard of one abstinence group that gets on stage with a cardboard heart and says, "every time you sleep with someone you tear your heart away" with that they preceded to rip the cardboard heart and throw it to the side of the stage.... the Jesus I love picks up that heart (which they did not do) and although we are definitely responsible for the decisions we make, that is a very scarring message to a 15 year old, let alone a whole auditorium of them. "My heart can't be healed" is a message I hear time and time again. There are some very hurting women out there.
Scare tactics are what the abstinence movements have become and I believe more in our youth and in women that we need education of our bodies and cycles and self-esteem and respect workshops... not more shame and guilt. So if the abstinence movement was that ... then by all means bring it on... but Bristol Palin talking about "her mistake" ... I mean that's a whole other blog about that child being tagged as such for the rest of his life.... we need more healthy models of this dialogue.
I'm wondering about the word "abstinence" itself -- like so many words that lose their power and potency when misused and overused.
Sin is a great word too. Sadly, it is also a word that for many Christians is loaded with shame and blame and no longer useful.
With almost 20 years of experience sitting with Christian women and men struggling with sexuality in many forms, I've concluded that the Church's strategy is to teach sin management and call it "discipleship."
Abstinence is a form of sin management that works for some, but not all.
More than young adults encouraging each other and teens to abstain, I think we need new paradigms about both sin and sexuality that go beyond "sin management". The Jesus I know takes my broken and warped heart and mind and transforms them. The good news is so much greater than sin management.
Degree by degree I am being changed as I behold his glory through prayer, worship, meditation, yoga, nature, art making...and many other forms of spiritual connection. This is the power of the gospel - the wisdom and power and fullness of Christ in ME, the hope of glory.
If Bristol and Hayden, or any of us, want to experience the fullness of sexual health, we need more than abstinence, we need to be transformed into the likeness of the one in whose image we were created.
Male and female, God created us in his image. Sexuality, the pleasure of sensual touch, the ecstasy of orgasm--all reveal something of the glory of God. It's time to reclaim that goodness and find better ways to disciple young people in the power of the gospel. I look forward to the day when sin management is no longer our primary model for dealing with the difficulties of life.
I'm doing my part to bring that into the world. I hope to share more of that here another time. For now, may God's wisdom guide us as we seek discernment on this matter.
Oh my,I'm crazy for the ring style.