I bought a hula hoop today.  Inspired by my massage therapist, who just bought one, I drove to Toys-R-Us and found the sparkly hoops.  They now come with water inside instead of the little beads that used to help it go round and round.  I kept shaking it in the store expecting a rattle, but a woman finally pointed out to me that there was water, which makes it go much smoother now.  After I had made a new friend and we talked about what a great workout we were going to get, I found myself wandering around the giant toy store.  I usually dash in and out to quickly snag a Christmas or birthday present for my nieces and nephews, so I haven’t had time to peruse as I was hunting for the Death Star Galatica Lego Extravaganza whose-it-whats-it.  

I wandered back to the bikes and through the doll aisle.  The Barbie bride has come a long way switching out her Princess Di veil and layers of lace to a strapless glittering number with an ultra modern hairdo.  I couldn’t help but also notice that Toys-R-Us used to seem so much bigger as a kid, and it always held such wonder.  It was torture to go in there with no allowance money or to shop for someone else with my mom!  But now the dusty stock shelves and the vinyl floors have lost a little magic – toys don’t hold the key to happiness anymore.  I clutched my hula hoop and drove home. (After paying of course.)

I thought about sexuality on the way home and how toy stores for adults promise similar magic, but their products are quite a bit different.  It’s confusing all of this talk of “toys” so in turn sexuality loses its lackluster too.  Should we go in there?  Am I evil if I actually like it?  Who cares?  Are all questions thrown around when discussing this particular toy store.  So where do we go for play?  For some it is the bedroom, for others the toy store revolves around clothing or electronics or kitchen stuff.  There are still places we go to play, but in a lot of ways the passion of play was lost in our youth.  I think that is why so many people don’t want to lose it.

When you get older, passion for others, non-profits, or even churches is supposed to grow.  Passion for yourself means, well what does it mean?  If it’s talked about in the media it means botox, surgery, and the latest workout, diet, or piece of clothing – you deserve it.  Like the CRV CRaVe campaign – shopping, nails, chocolate dipped strawberries… you’re passionate about all of that right?  So why not buy a car that lives up to that standard too?  For some it is the simpler things, as my friend recently discovered, it can mean going to the grocery store without your 7-month-old in tow.  But to find passion if the romance and drama section is taken out? What does that mean?  Passion for our “self”?  It’s interesting too that the dramas showing the life and death of Jesus are called Passion plays.  Passion here, passion there – what is passion when it’s everywhere? 

Some feel guilty for spending money on toys, some think they’ve earned it – possibly both are right.  Just a thought, but maybe if we redefined passion, it would help with this thing called sexuality.  And not just a passion for others, but this so-called passion for ourselves – to view ourselves as Jesus sees us: redeemed, loved, cared for, even when we don’t feel like that.  So new question: How do we feel loved and cared for? What do we do to invest in those things? As I have dived into this, I have engaged in dialogues with groups of my single and married friends. My friend Kim presented a list to one of her grad school classes on 50 ways singles can embrace their sexual selves in a healthy way.  Personally, I think the list is great for both singles and marrieds – the divide doesn’t just go away when you say your vows.  Sexuality is still something to ponder, talk about, and discover for your self. Part of list is at the end of this blog. 

This short blog series is not an attempt to say here is what it is: __________. That would be irresponsible.  Rather I hope it has spurred on good conversations and thoughts either in your own mind or with others.  So for now I will end with a few items on the list (if you would like the whole thing, please comment or send me a message and I can forward it to you), but this will definitely be a topic revisited because our passion and sexuality are in constant redefinition as are our hips, our bodies, our minds and ourselves.  So make some time to dance, to hula hoop, spend some time with your body discovering you and not letting the media tell you who you are. Use time to heal wounds and confront your past and finally make time for play – for magic – for passion.  You might be surprised how God shows up.  

50 WAYS SINGLES CAN EMBRACE THEIR SEXUAL SELVES IN A HEALTHY WAY [edited for length]

By Kimberly Williams and Kristin Martin

PHYSICAL:

• Take a risk with your body. Do something that feels uncomfortable: rock climbing, surfing, rollerblading, ice skating, etc. See what it feels like to feel the adrenaline rush and to work new muscles that you don’t normally use. Be willing to fail and look silly.  

• Embrace nakedness. Sleep naked, stand in front of a mirror naked… If you are uncomfortable with yourself naked alone, I would imagine it may be difficult to be naked in front of someone else. It’s hard to offer our bodies to someone else, when we aren’t comfortable with them ourselves…even with their bulges, dimples, lack of tone, and stretch marks.  

• Celebrate yourself and your senses. Learn how to create space to pamper yourself. Eat some really good food. Buy a new piece of clothing that you feel great in. Teach yourself a new skill. Take a bubble bath, light some candles while you’re at it. Do an art project.  

RELATIONAL:

• Live with other people. We can’t help from developing habits from our family. How to clean bathrooms, how to do dishes, how to go grocery shopping, how to make breakfast…how to do life. The more you see other people doing the same things the more you learn that things can be done in different ways. It’s so important to learn how to be a part of a household system. Again these are helpful skills to have in marriage.  

• Build multi-generational friendships. Sometimes singles end up only interacting with people in their own walk of life. Just as the family unit brings together generational stages – go out and gather some people to be in your life who are at different walks of life then you.

PERSONAL:  

• Date Investigation. Take yourself to the movies, go to a restaurant by yourself, find a great beach, figure out what you like to do on dates. Be creative. Plan dates for a friend. If you get into a relationship you will not become an automatic expert on the matter. A significant other may ask, “What do you want to do?” “What do you like to do?” “Where should we go?”– learn how to answer these questions.  

• Acknowledge your own emotional wounds. Relationships have a way of bringing these things up – not to mention that emotional wounds can have a large impact on our everyday dealings with others – so why wait until you’re forced to deal with it and get a head start on it now!

• Distribute your energies. Maybe you are using this single stage of you life to jump-start your career.  That may be so, but it’s a healthy thing to balance your life at this stage as well. We will always feel the pull of different commitments and wants. Cultivate your ability to balance now and invest your energy into a varied list of things whether that’s taking time out to build friendships, study, enjoy a hobby, or take care of family.

SPIRITUALLY:

• Intentionally self-disclose to God.  Give your whole self over to be known.  Bring things into prayer, in honesty, that you may never have talked to God about (i.e; actually enjoying some sexual situation that you felt was a sin.)  Let your prayer be a conversation rather then only a confession.  Only when we can honestly bare ourselves in front of God do we give him the permission to begin healing, making us whole, and revealing to us what is true heart and intention is.

• Learn how to make space for this relationship.  Just like any human relationships we have, it only deepens when we carve out a segment of our life to give the relationship priority.  Set aside Sabbath days, daily prayer/devotion times, learn a new spiritual discipline.  And don’t think these things can’t be fun…some of my free-est and most playful days have been those I’ve spent alone during Sabbaths.

• Pray naked. :) This may be a far reach for many. We heard this from a nun expressing how she embraced her sexuality. God created us naked. God sees us naked. Our bodies are his creation and we have no need to be ashamed of them in front of him…so why not!?

• Learn what it means to offer your heart to someone. Giving your heart up is a very risky thing to do. Along with the risk are many benefits. Begin now to learn what it means to truly love others and practice in small ways what’s involved in offering your heart. Maybe it’s a calling you feel God is leading your towards or something else you are really invested in.

• Practice confession.  YES, the ‘C’-word! We all mess up with God and with others. Come clean and honest by putting yourself on the line via confession.

• Define your own definition of what a holy sexuality is. All of us have some skewed ideas of sexuality from the world or the church (or both!) Take some effort and recognize what lies you may be unconsciously accepting. Once you define what it really is you are aspiring to, you’re much more likely to stay on track! 


BEHAVIORAL:

• Get to know your own sexual history (even if you don’t know you have one!)  Where did you learn about sex?  How do you interact with others?  What ideas about sex, gender roles, sexuality do you have?  How do these affect your interactions with others? Think about how your sexual history can affect even your relationship with God.

• See yourself as loveable and affirm that others are also. This suggestion isn’t just to make you more attractive…but using the space of singleness to really embrace who God made you to be and to do the same for others is an awesome gift!

Again, this list is not just for singles.  There are many things that I think are great as a married woman too.  It’s very long, but helpful and I thank Kim for letting me use it.  Here’s to embracing our sexual selves!