In an astonishing announcement from our nation’s capitol, President Obama has confirmed that he was indeed a Kenyan-born plant; the key component of an African conspiracy to bring America back to a purely capitalistic governmental policy. With Glen Beck at his side, a broad grin on his face, and his trademark eloquence, President Obama announced a sweeping series of executive decrees.

Having sold all public schools to the McDonalds corporation’s new “Ronald McDonald Happy School” division, parents of any student enrolled would now be responsible to pay the nearly $25,000 annual tuition that the “communist socialists” administrations of the past had supported. Tuition will include a free Happy Meal as part of a “Freedom Fridays” celebration.

In addition, all “socialist intrusion” in higher education is also ending. Harvard University reported being swamped with new applications, as their $ 50,000 plus annual tuition is suddenly very competitive to the formerly “socialist enclaves” known as public universities. A deal with the Ford Corporation, who has launched a “Forderversities” division, is pending. It is rumored that top graduates will receive free, eight cylinder Explorers, left over from the socialist expansion of President Bush.

In addition, all former “public roadways” will now be privately owned, protected from any socialist intrusion. The former socialist annual expenditure of $ 40 billion will now be replaced by tolls paid to participating patriotic private companies. At a cost of thousands a year for every man, woman and child in the United States, Obama laughed in anticipation of how good capitalists in America will feel cruising down the new “Donald Trump True-American Throughway,” that had been formerly known as Interstate 80.

 Surprisingly, the 60 million Americans formerly provided medical coverage through the Medicare and Medicaid programs, which accounted for 16 percent of the former budget of the United States government, were seemingly dismayed at their need to pay the Geico Gecko for a new “Deliverance from Socialized Medicine” initiative. Obama reassured the press, as he explained that “removing billions of dollars of socialist intrusion is certainly worth it. Red-blooded Americans with cancer will know supporting capitalism is worth any cost to human life. Capitalist death panels run by insurance companies, with the power to deny coverage, have been embraced by Americans for decades.”

Other initiatives will include the privatization of all socialist police, fire, and emergency medical units, socialist/public water and sewer systems, eliminating $461 billion in socialist farm subsidies, and liquidating the American car industry.  As global markets crashed throughout the world and American banks failed in mass, President Obama and Mr. Beck reveled in the new levels of global freedom to plant carrots and create heat by burning furniture.