Hot chocolate and a ride on an electric boat.

Two amazing things to a 4-year-old.  These could be his if he would just swim five feet to me with his head in the water.  Easier said than done.

His cold little body shivered on the side of the pool.  His eyes were red and a bit puffy from plenty of crying.  He continued to say through his tears, "I can't Daddy, I can't."  But he had - many times before during swim lessons.  But for some reason, this day was different.

Our family was at a wonderful vacation resort in the desert and had been building up to this moment for about 30 minutes.  We splashed around while I cast visions of the boat ride, chocolate goodness, and way more "you can do its" and "you don't have to if you don't want tos" than he could possibly need.

  I now began to notice that some of the other people sitting around the pool had become increasingly interested in the situation as I'm certain we were distracting the relaxation at this point - just a hair.  One lady keenly observed, "I think he's cold."  Thanks for the input.  As if my sons' convulsions didn't inform me of this fact.

Side note:  It's amazing how much I really cared what everyone else thought about me.  I wanted so much to stand up with a loudspeaker and let everyone that I'm a really good parent and I love my son and he loves me and he can actually do this because he's done it before and I don't desire for him to ever be sad and shiver and I would never make him do something he didn't want to and how I want more than anything for him to have hot chocolate and ride on that boat!

 Back to the pool and the real problem.  This situation is a perfect example of why I think parenting is so difficult and why in some situations I have only found one answer, one thing to be true - which I will get to in a second.  You see, this whole time my son is sitting on the side of the pool, I'm in turmoil trying to figure out what is BEST for him.

First point - There is something good and healthy as a human being about learning to swim.  It's not out of reach or asking him to do something unreasonable, and in the end I know this will bring him great joy.  If I was asking him to bungee jump and he was having these same reservations, my struggle wouldn't be the same.  But swimming, in general, is good.  It's a skill that could actually keep him from harm and bring him happiness and fun at the same time.  And it's a skill I know he can attain within the physical capabilities he has.

Second point - Everyone learns differently, at different paces, and has unique things to overcome.  How these worlds are negotiated from situation to situation have potential to either build up or tear down depending on how they are handled.  So with Grant, I think it's quite possible that he would swim to me and feel wonderful about it.  I think it could catapult him into the swimming bliss that most kids experience in their lives.  I also think it's quite possible that for his personality I could push him too hard too soon and tear down his confidence or enhance his fears about swimming and future things he might try.

Third point - I also bring my own crap to the table.  I must also sort through how much I desire for him to overcome a fear - for me.  How much I want him to accomplish something - for me.  How much I want my son or daughter to be the best and not be weak and be great athletes and go to a good college and, and, and...get the point?  All stuff Jesus strove for and wants for all of us, huh?

Sometimes I marvel at just how messed up I am.    Yuck.

Needless to say, these three things make for a rough combination.  Now, my wife and I have read countless books on parenting.  We have been to classes on parenting.  We have loads of friends around us who are wonderful parents.  We have Grandparents who are wise and available to us.  But not a single one of these sources has the exact knowledge of how to best love Grant Halliburton on the side of a pool in the desert at 2pm on a Friday afternoon in April.  But there is an answer.

I was reminded that afternoon that here was yet another area of my life that is out of control and requires complete dependence and surrender to God.  This wasn't the first time that I was out of answers as a parent and it certainly won't be the last.  I have discovered great freedom in some very simple prayers to our creator.  The creator of Grant.  The one who actually knows every hair on his head.  The one who created the water to swim in and the one who died for fear and tears and all the brokenness Dad brings to the pool as well.

Jesus, I don't know how to be a Dad.  If I'm left to myself I will wreck this just like I have so many other areas of my life.  Please teach me how to best love Grant right now.  Please teach me what is best for him and how you want to raise him.  Because I won't do it perfectly, please make up the difference in my mistakes.  Thank you for your grace, mercy and patience as you allow me the gift of being a Father.

Now, please keep in mind this is all for FIVE FEET OF SWIMMING!!  I love how God just doesn't waste anything in order to teach us.

So here it is.  Grant jumped in and swam to me.  We cheered and hugged and my throat was crying.  We had that hot chocolate and rode on that freakin' boat.

And God taught me very clearly that I'm absolutely in over my head - just the way he wants it.