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 As a transracial family in a vanilla county, we hear these kind of comments every now and then, especially from other preschool-aged kids. This week, we heard on two different occasions. No biggie: it is perfectly normal for a child of that age to notice color. I mean, they are just learning colors and pointing it out is just an observation. I am NEVER offended by children making such comments. In fact, it can open up great learning opportunities for kids to understand adoption, difference, etc. However, one of the circumstances this week was kinda awkward. A little girl pointed to my three-year-old son, and this was how the dialogue went: CURIOUS GIRL: Mommy, do you SEE him!?! He's brown! MORTIFIED MOM: (clearly embarrassed) Honey, be quiet. CURIOUS GIRL: Mommy, do you see? Do you see that boy? MORTIFIED MOM: Sweetie, BE QUIET. Be quiet right now. CURIOUS GIRL: But mommy, look! He's brown. MORTIFIED MOM: (now angrily) If you don't stop saying that right now, I will give you a spanking. I totally get where this mom is coming from. I can imagine doing this myself, in another setting. But think for a minute what this interchange communicated to this little girl about "color difference". What message did this well-meaning mom unintentionally send to her daughter, and to my son, who was watching the whole thing?
Avoiding the topic of race can be one of the biggest mistakes parents make in raising healthy, race-concious children. Shaming, igoring, or avoiding your child's comments on race can send a strong message: racial difference is SO bad and SO embarrasing that we can't even talk about it. (Kinda reminds ya of how some families deal with sex, huh?).
So how should someone react? I don't know the perfect answer, but I do know that we should encourage our kids to share their observations and feelings about race, because silence (or silencing) can be louder than words. Perhaps a Diversity Day, like on The Office? Okay, maybe not. But let me tell you about the other interchange that happened this week:
A little girl pointed to Jafta and said, "You're so brown". And my husband said, "Did you hear that, Jafta? Say thank you."
And he did. With a big grin on his face.
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Comments
Yeah, you know this is real big conversation!! This is a good post, I appreciate it. I'm glad I"m not the only one talkin bout race on this site! It's the conversation avoided most often next to sex, and I agree it is a healthy conversation for kids, they do notice and most studies suggest that by age 3 kids are beginning to notice race and ethnicity. Throw in culturally and ethnically ignorant parents and you have a complex problem. Keep stuff like this coming. It gets hard always having to talk for "All" Black and Mexican people. As a multi-racial family, race will be central to our discussions. Its deep. My little one is a bit too young to be noticing color (She's 19 months), but rest assured I know she'll be reminded by society soon.
Thanks for the post. This is an extremely important conversation and I pray and hope that more of this comes to the surface with the new presidential elections!
Peace,
D
At what age should parents begin to discuss race with their children where the child can understand, comprehend and learn?
Thanks for the post. Keep it coming. I look forward to picking up some ideas about how to talk to my grandkids about race. It's odd what situations we find ourselves in where race matters and when it doesn't seem to (or maybe when I'm just not aware of it anymore). In Africa, working in a mission hospital, I may be the only one of 15 people working together who isn't black, but I forget I'm white and our roles and relationships are fashioned by what each person is doing. Here in Fresno, sometimes I'm the only one of 3-4 people in the OR who isn't black and I forget I'm different, but other times mostly on the street or mall with people I don't know there can be some tension and mistrust that I'm sure has it's roots in racial history.
Love what Mark said to Jafta....so wonderful.
I remember my son describing various people and asking why everyone at the MacDonald's counter was "brown." As my older daughter explained to him that they weren't brown, and subsequently described us as "white," he argued, we don't look white to him. It started a great conversation with all three of my kids about labels, stereotypes, and demographics. We live in the Southeastern US and I want my children to understand the realities of racial issues in a way that they can embrace all people at the level of human being, not race. But being color blind isn't the answer. As my children grow, I have begun teaching and showing my children what most African Americans have lived through and challenged them to honor and respect the heritage and culture that has shaped many of our neighbors whether we understand our differences or not.
I'm glad that others are interested in this topic - it is certainly close to my heart and one that I feel people are reluctant to discuss. In terms of the question about when the conversation happens, I think it should be a life-long dialogue that is incremental and age-appropriate. Again, kind of like the sex talk. Kids can process different information at different ages. I have learned a lot from the book "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla". I am also a big fan of the blog www.antiracistparent.com. They have a great dialogue going on there with parents from all walks of life.
Kristen