Can it possibly be just three years ago that the television program Jon and Kate Plus Eight first appeared?   My daughter first discovered the program, featuring a family with twins and sextuplets, living in Eastern Pennsylvania, and introduced our family to the program.    I, and millions of others, quickly became fascinated with them all.   As the controversy and possible scandal swirl over recent events associated with the family, they are being pressured to deal publicly with very private issues.   As they struggle, the public is left with the comparative luxury of debating as to what would be the appropriate position to take on the many difficult dilemmas that the Gosselins must resolve.   I would argue that the process of resolving the dilemmas of people we don’t know personally does much more for the person sitting in the comfortable armchair of judge than it does for the person sitting in the hot seat of judgment.   It tells us a lot about how we process our own dilemmas, and what we value.   Thinking about other people’s dilemmas reveals how we process our own failures and successes.

Thinking first about the many dilemmas faced by the Gosselins, it would be possible to come up with a short list:

1. Should people pursue IVF treatment, knowing that they may have to face the impossible dilemma of whether to end one or more human lives by not implanting all of the embryos produced by the treatment?
2. Should a parent then implant all embryos that develop from an IVF treatment?
3. Should the surrounding community assist parents of multiples, giving of their time and finances?   What if community members disagree with IVF, or with parent who have large families, due to environmental or other concerns?
4. How much privacy should parents be expected to give up in order to produce an interesting television program about their family?  
5. Is it O.K. to create a family event for the sake of television ratings?
6. At what age should a child be allowed to decide for himself or herself how much privacy they want and need?  
7. How long is it a good idea to keep one’s children in the public eye?
8. How much stress is “too much” stress for adults and children in a reality television program, and how is that determined?
9. Is it wrong to have an emotional affair?
10.    Is it O.K. to observe other people’s lives on television?


Emotionally healthy people resolve their difficult personal dilemmas based on their own deeply held personal values.   When emotions are high regarding an issue, this is usually a signal that the issue touches a deeply held personal value.   The reverse can also be true, that we feel blasé or numb about an issue at first, because our emotions around it are so intense that we are uncomfortable approaching them, and our emotional self has shut down a little, as a form of self-protection.   A skillful psychotherapist helps people in difficult dilemmas to identify the emotions that the issue touches, and to provide empathy for the person’s emotional experience.   Probable outcomes of various answers to a dilemma can then be explored.   The next task is for the person who is in the dilemma to make the best decision they can.   A good decision is one that takes the emotions and probable outcomes into consideration, but above all, aligns with the decisionmaker’s deeply held personal values.    A person can be at peace with a decision, even if it puts oneself at a disadvantage and causes much personal pain, as long as one does not violate one’s own personal value system.   Couples face the more challenging task of resolving dilemmas in ways that align with the deeply held personal values of both spouses.   Successful resolution of one’s more difficult dilemmas builds maturity and emotional health over time.   But we can even learn from poor decisions, if we process the consequences of them.    

Any of the ten dilemmas posed above could touch on the deeply held personal values of most people, such as the debate over when life begins; what constitutes marital fidelity; child labor laws; and the sanctity of marriage.   Thinking about other people’s dilemmas helps those who are the observers to better define their own deeply held personal values, and to connect with the emotions those dilemmas trigger.   This helps observers to feel better prepared for the day when they will be faced with a difficult dilemma, although nothing can replace “real reality.”    Only the first-hand experience of resolving one’s own dilemmas can develop the maturity to resolve one’s next major dilemma.    Only the person who is going through the emotional toll that a major personal   dilemma exacts; doing the soul-searching as to whether their personal value system can stand up to the test;   and paying the consequences of the decision that is made, is experiencing “real reality.”    By observing, outsiders gain armchair wisdom at best; voyeuristic pleasure in most cases; and mean-spirited smugness at our worst.   A far better way to prepare for one’s next major dilemma is to be in touch with one’s emotions and to ardently, actively, learn and adhere to a personal value system that is solid and eternal, true and loving.     

Resolving the dilemmas of people we don’t know also reveals a lot about how we process our own past failures and successes.   Is there a part of you that needs to experience forgiveness for a poor decision?   To repeat, a poor decision is not one that results in a disadvantage to the self, or that produces difficult emotions, but one that violates one’s personal values.   People sometimes torture themselves for decades over a poor decision, as a way to remind themselves never to repeat the same bad decision.   They also avoid or cannot feel gracious towards people associated with the failed decision.   They may be successful, but at the cost of their sense of self-worth and some of their key relationships.   Another problem with this approach is that people face so many new dilemmas for which they are often unprepared because they have spent their mental and emotional and spiritual energies focusing on the unsatisfying outcome of their previous dilemma.

Is there a part of you that places too much weight on your past successes?   A symptom of this problem is the inability to slow down and process their current life.   Success-driven people can be a little too impressed with themselves, thinking that they are too wise to get bogged down by a difficult dilemma.   They can also be very anxious, even when things are going well.   And when they finally experience a major failure, they can get very depressed.   Some people who dwell on past success with old dilemmas will tediously recite stories of their glory days, rather than process their current life.   Dwelling on past dilemmas, no matter how gloriously successful or dismally failed, both can keep people from living “real reality” as fully as possible, because in both cases the person is spending much more time thinking about the past than developing a value system that will carry them into the future.  

There is a part of all of us that longs to be connected to perfect wisdom and goodness, and pure and eternal values.   It can feel like we have these all figured out while we relax and are entertained by watching other people deal with their dilemmas.    But the way that people mature into the knowledge of these good things is to think about what they value, and use their values to deal with their own “real reality.”   I have enjoyed watching Jon and Kate Gosselin and their children, possibly because they remind me of our family with (only) three biracial little ones, just a few short years ago.   As long as their television show is fun for them, it will be fun for me.   But I have also felt a little uncomfortable when one of the Gosselin children covers their face with their hands, or runs away from the camera.   I think this couple will have the maturity to resolve their current dilemmas successfully, and I wish them all the best.